Thursday, March 11, 2010

Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga - DAY 29

Today’s entry will be a poem I write recently. I had just found out that the Supreme Court had denied my case and I wad expected to receive a date any day. It was two weeks later that I was scheduled to die on May 12th. I hope the images I conjure with my words will not offend anyone. I merely wish to convey to you the feelings that came over me as I sat and contemplated what was to come next for me. I have always dabbled in poetry, I am not sure if I am any good at it, but then I would never have thought that so many people would read what I had to say here in this forum. I have been proven wrong on that account. Then again, it may turn some people away; I hope that it does not though. The poem is untitled.

As I sit in the death box and watch the sands of time fall,
how can I perceive of anything remotely resembling life?
With ghoulish glee those who warden my existence
strap others down to sink their venomous fangs in those prone forms.
Hearts flutter with fear and anxiety as each binding draws tight,
once a proud individual now reduced to quivering fear.
What comes next? Oblivion or eternal damnation,
Either way I must face the ferryman,
pay his toll and step to the bow as I watch reality fade
as the stench of the river Styx fills my head.
Breathe deeply of death as it is now “ALL”,
reduced to nothing,
my once life is but a passing memory.
Before me stand those gates, gold?
Now that I can see them clearly, I realize they are not tarnished gold,
but built of misery, pain and degradation.
To pass beyond their thresh-hold will test my sanity,
death’s embrace, cold and bitter,
yet to feel fear is better than emptiness.

I hope that you can see that my feelings sometimes run into the dark places where we seldom wish to go, but if you are honest with yourself you too will admit that you have visited those places within yourself. This does not mean that you are yourself “dark”, only that you are able to see that in those dark recesses of your mind you can sometimes find a little bit of light to guide you9 through and you can then appreciate that light a little better for having experienced that darkness. I truly hope that you can understand me better for having seen into one of my dark places.

I again thank those of you who sent letters. I have received more this evening. I enjoy reading them and as I have stated will try to answer them, I only ask your patience as I am writing more here in these last days than in all my years on the row. I can say honestly that it has helped focus my mind to fight to live! Thank you all.

Kevin Varga 999368
Polunsky Unit
3872 FM 350 South
Livingston, TX 77351

© Copyright 2010 by Kevin Varga and Thomas Bartlett Whitaker. All rights reserved.

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