Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga - DAY 34

I had a dream last night that I was in a giant building. The building so tall that its top floors reaching into the clouds. I stood on the roof looking down onto a street so far below me that it seemed to be a slow moving stream. The wind buffeting me and threatening to push me over the edge. I knew that I was still imprisoned on death row, but also knowing in the way of dreams that if I could find my way to street level I could gain my freedom. So I made my way through this elaborate building within my dream. Although the focus of the dream changed at every turn I made within the labyrinthian building, I knew that I must find that street exit. I found myself running through boiler-roomesque rooms, the steam rising as if I were in the bowels of hell and still could not find my way out. I ran through office spaces that I knew belonged to difference factions of the prison, secretarial pools where I stopped to discuss various topics that I knew were only a moment’s distraction from the great escape that I was attempting. But no matter how many floors I traversed, how many hallways that I walked, I never could find the doorway out. At one point I found myself staring at the much sought after exit only to be distracted from my goal by the allure of feminine contact, when I finally realized that I had finally found that elusive exit, I have gotten myself turned around and could not again find the exit to give me egress from this place I have found myself.

I am no psychoanalyst but I am sure the portent of the dream means that no matter what I try I will not be getting out of here. What truly bothers me of that I have no clue as to my fate here on death watch, Does the dream portent that I will search for the door only to be thwarted? Does it mean that I must remain in prison for the rest of my life? I wish I knew what the dream meant. No one could look forward to spending their life behind walls and steel bars, but when it is all you’ve really known then it is not that bad. I mean I wish to write a novel and if I am granted a life sentence I will fulfill this dream. If I am to be executed then I will leave behind the legacy of these journal entries. Either way I have written something that many people have found an interest in. I know that what I am about to say will sound so cliché but that doesn’t, or at least shouldn’t, take away from the statement, look within yourself and realize your dreams and then figure out the way those dreams can be made reality. Why wait until you’ve been handed a death sentence to figure out the things you could have done. I know that some people will argue that they don’t have enough time to do some of the things that they would like to do. When you are looking into the abyss you realize that time is a relative thing.

I close for now, but here is to those of you who are brave enough to embrace your dreams and make them become a reality.

Kevin Varga 999368
Polunsky Unit
3872 FM 350 South
Livingston, TX 77351

© Copyright 2010 by Kevin Varga and Thomas Bartlett Whitaker. All rights reserved.

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