Friday, March 19, 2010

Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga - DAY 37

I have found inspiration in the guise of an old friend of mine. Last night when they passed out mail I received an assortment of letters. Some from established friends and a few of hem from new people writing to me as a result of this journal, and one from someone that I have not heard from since 1998! She was the friend of a girlfriend that I had back in 1988, Dawn was like a little sister to me. I always thought of her as such, and at one time even thought of taking our relationship to the next level. The only think that stopped me from doing so was that I knew it would lead to the ruination of our friendship. I valued her too much as a friend to subject her to that! I found out through her letter that my trial attorney lied to her telling her that I have no desire to have contact with her or anyone else from my life. I was so angry at his last night that I started to cuss out people around me due to this anger. I decided to lie on my bed and tine out everything around me, losing myself in the music (a local radio program plays speed metal on Thursday nights…PERFECT!) Then I got up to answer her letter, in answering it I relieved many of the times we spent together. She is a special person. She is the kind of person that would give you her last dollar if you needed it. Her letter has shown me that I will live; I may die in the physical sense, though my mortal remains pass on, I will live on through her but also through each of you. These thoughts have refueled me, as I am the phoenix rising from my own pyre. Though I am not yet dead, I feel that I have been reborn through her letter. Can anyone doubt the power of love? Yes Dawn loves me and I her, ours is a love build on friendship. She and I share much and I thank for now for this resurrection of sorts.

I am full of energy this morning! I only slept for like six hours and needed no prompting to force myself out of bed today. I have found yet another reason for fighting. I have found someone from my past and I wish could not have been gone from my life. I have been given a gift thought her letter. I hope my elation is coming through because for the first time in days I have found a smile and I sincerely hope that I do not love it ever again. I live in an atmosphere that breeds animosity and strife, so even in the best of times, which obviously this is NOT, is not conductive to tranquility. I say this only you allow you the reader to better understand the difficulty I find in keeping my spirits up. I can still feel the shadow touch of the melancholy I have just recently been released from awaiting me. I know that each day will be a struggle, but if I can summon a single smile then I have won. I still have those fears due to a lack of communication from the people I feel are supposed to help me, but I hope that I will now have a renewed source of strength. I dedicate this entry to Dawn Marie Sippert.

Kevin Varga 999368
Polunsky Unit
3872 FM 350 South
Livingston, TX 77351

© Copyright 2010 by Kevin Varga and Thomas Bartlett Whitaker. All rights reserved.


Dawn Shortman said...

If you only knew how much I still think of you. How many days I have cried because I miss you so much. 6 years and my heart still misses you. Dawn Marie

Dawn Shortman said...

I wish you knew how deeply I still miss you. How many times I have cried for you. It's been 6 years and my heart still breaks.

Joe said...

Good to see people still come back to read Kevin's journal. He would doubtless be extremely happy to know people would still be reading this 6 years later, especially someone who meant as much to him as you, Dawn.