Thursday, April 15, 2010

Death Watch Journal for Kevin Varga - DAY 64

Sometimes I feel like I am inside a giant pressure cooker and the lid is sealed tight. The heat has been turned up with no release in sight. I have high hopes that I will receive a stay of execution, but as I lie in this bunk and my mind is allowed to wander, I cannot help but to think about “what if” What I the courts deny my motion, what if the people helping me to file this stop, what if those same people start asking for money that I don’t have, what if, what if…. These pressure have been building so much that there are actually times where I find myself thinking about just throwing my hands into the air in surrender. The only thing keeping me from doing so are the people in my life that love and care about me. For them I continue to fight. I mean sure I want to live to be a doddering old an, shuffling around in house shoes and a bathrobe complaining about “how it were in my day” but seriously I will never see the free world no matter what happens to me. It is thoughts like that that have me thinking about giving up, well also the thought that I may have just over 3 weeks of life left and, oh wouldn’t it be better to live out what remains of my life without any stress. I could relax and just allow it to happen. I have never been in this type of situation in my life, where I think so much that it seems as if my brain never shuts off. Even in my sleep I am typing a letter, or thinking about motions and possible outcomes from the appeal of the motions. My heads seems to be filled with explosive gases and I am just waiting for the tiniest of sparks to ignite my whole existence in the most impressive explosion imaginable. Good thing is that I have only three weeks for the pressure cooker to either cook me or release its pressure and allow me to breathe, bad news is I have only three weeks to… Catch 22 where no matter the outcome I am still in the cook pot and that lid can be closed at a moment notice Well in just over three weeks our journey comes to an end one way or another.

Kevin Varga 999368
Polunsky Unit
3872 FM 350 South
Livingston, TX 77351

© Copyright 2010 by Kevin Varga and Thomas Bartlett Whitaker. All rights reserved.

1 comment:

Norma said...

This is a tragic situation, Kevin. You are "planning" in your "sleep" possible ways to save your life, while I do the same for my loved one, who finds himself in the same place you are now. I feel for you, and for those doing all they can for you, and for your mother. I don't know what it's like to be in there, but I do know the desperation of wanting something to happen, to go a certain way, and not being able to do much about it. Retreat into yourself if that helps you, but remember that as long as there is life, there is hope. Praying for a stay.