Monday, October 18, 2010

Poetry by Jedidiah Murphy

I’d Save You If I Could...
by Jedidiah Murphy

The broken unwanted don't have a lot
coveting our dreams we've almost forgot
brave faces and shattered hearts we‘ve fought and fought
I'd save you if I could...
I drank my pain away each day
I begged sleep to come my way
to take me far away away
I'd save you if I could...
It's not easy to trust someone else
having been deceived of our belief
patchworked personalities of former selves
all too silent in our grief
I OD‘d on pills, I sliced my veins
never loved life like we should
35 years yet the pain remains
I'd save you if I could...
Took sobriety and prison to learn to live
to deal with facing my past
we've always wanted to come in first
reality is that Foster kids are last
I can’t take my mistakes away, or make you dreams come true
yet there's no fire I wouldn't walk through
face all your demons to save your dreams for you
and save you if I could
I'd save you if I could...

by Jedidiah Murphy

Lately I´ve been saying
That luck´s a fool man´s game;
You plant your fields and reap your crops,
And love your family through pain.
Whoever said it was easy,
Never flew like a dart to the wall;
Never sang about pain in the rain,
Or wanted to sleep through it all.
We all want sunny days,
And baby birds to fly like the wind;
Though should they get burned by the flames,
They know to come home to us again.
Sometimes we plan to walk tall,
And often times end up chopped at the knees;
For who among us plans to fail at life,
Instead of striving to succeed?
In the era of survival of the fittest,
Where we trample the weak and the lame;
Politicians praise God on Sunday,
Then kill those unfortunate in your name.
So when you say your prayers at night,
For love, for life, for family,
While down on your knees with God,
Say a few for sad poets as me…

Depression Defined
by Jedidiah Murphy

They say that loneliness is a razor that cuts the heart to shreds,
That a child has every right to dream;
That if we don´t strive to be happy now,
Most never will, it would seem.
To count the endless seconds for a horse of the apocalypse,
To turn away in fear in the eye of a twister,
The world whirling and disintegrating all around
Is the mind with mental illness as a visitor.
Whatever abyss the broken mind looked into meant,
We barely talked and appeared to feel even less;
Maybe it was fear that changed us all
Maybe we left a lot of ourselves behind to rest.
The numbing, the personal disconnection,
Was far worse than the physical injury;
Suffering from our own version of shell shock
It broke the man from the broken family,
You find yourself deeper in the canyons of despair.
Praying for relief at the bottom,
Wondering what joy there is in having,
When it´s your life that´s become the problem.
Sometimes in those worst moments of secret pain,
When you´re both judge and executioner;
You weigh your life, both loss and gain,
To decide if you even deserve a future.
If you go down deep enough in the darkness,
Nothing will ever be the same,
Outside the concrete tomb of the injured mind
We wounded fake smiles through a life of pain.
Yet even depression, we learned, can be replaced,
That even the unyielding has a span;
And though we´re scared, with love it´s restored,

The life and hope to those that were damned.

by Jebediah Murphy

A faint black blur registered in the corner of my vision,
as if conjured into life by my mind.
Some haunted dreamscape staged where,
sketchy versions of reality reside.
I remember the car ride in the country,
stationwagon packed for some but not others;
my childish mind flickering hope like it should,
yet comprehending the plans of my mother.
I remember the feel of sunshine on my face,
while watching our life drive slowly away;
standing there with my brother and sister,
I lost sight to any landmark to happiness that day.
Like a wounded animal, a thing alive and breathing,
my young life tottered, broke, and crashed.
I understood at five the destruction could not be halted,
that in the ruin of betrayal, our hopes lay smashed.
Being sacrificed had a startling effect on us,
rippling like tsunami waves throughout our lives;
from jails, from suicidal places and insanity,
while those with family live, those without merely survive.
The weight of what we experienced would never leave us,
it would smother we three throughout life;
we abandoned have scars that only we can truly see,
lost to a world that never heard our cries.
There’s no light at the end of the tunnel for me...a pariah,
statistically insignificant it would seem;
professor emeritus at destroying things that matter,

beginning with my life and ending with my dreams...

Jedidiah Murphy 999392
Polunsky Unit
3872 FM 350 South
Livingston, TX 77351

My name is Jedidiah Murphy and I have been incarcerated since October 4, 2000 on Death Row in Texas.  I was raised in Texas and was adopted twice.  I graduated High School in 1994.  I am a husband and father to two girls whom I love without limits.  I make unfathomable mistakes and most times cannot see the forest for the trees.  I am flawed, I am human and I am trying to be something more than the sum of my parts.  So far… no such luck but I am stubborn and I have faith in tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

How sad that people fail to fully realize what abandonment does to a child's life. It doesn't stop with just destroying their childhood. It carries over into the rest of their life… no matter how many days or years that may be. The pain never goes away. The abandoned child continues to hurt, continues to cry; just no longer where others can hear him.

Nathalie said...

Abandoned and orphan children need all the love and protection in the world.
Our society is unequal to their role. It's a dismal failure.

This poem is deeply moving, Jedidiah has a nobility of soul. Thank you for sharing this with us, my friend.

Nathalie :)

Hollie Bishop said...

As I sit here reading this this poem I'm taken back to that day we were separated. As your sister, I read these words and realize just how deep our scars are. It wasn't an easy life, but at least I'm still free..