Thursday, September 6, 2018

Months Before Six - Part One

By Billy Tracy

“Death Watch” is Texas’s morbid way to house its Death Row inmates who have execution dates set.

Once an inmate is given that date upon which he will be killed, he is then moved to twelve building A-Pod 1 section and housed in one of the fourteen cells that has a camera installed INSIDE of the cell, up in the left hand corner of the cell with a view of the entire cell. This was done some years ago because an inmate on Death Row had the audacity to kill himself, shortly before Texas planned to.

So logically, of course, it makes sense to install cameras inside the cell that we inmates can cover at any time we choose and then still kill ourselves without leaving any video for anyone to view.

This Death Watch section has more than one dark purpose. Texas is famous for getting the maximum amount of suffering it can out of each taxpayer’s dollars. Texas also houses inmates it doesn’t like on the Death Watch section who do not have execution dates.

Under the guise of “security,” they put inmates on this section without execution dates so they will have to live daily with a camera in their cell, but more importantly, so they are surrounded by men just days away from their death, constantly reminded of their own doom.

Imagine that the only people around you are inmates with at most, ninety days to live, getting to know them and watching them experience their last days, and then finally, watching them leave to be killed. Now extrapolate that over years. Can you imagine the psychological impact this would have on someone?

There have been three other Death Row inmates without execution dates housed on this section as punishment. Including me, four. Two of the other three were housed on “Death Watch” from nine to thirteen months, then moved back to regular cells. The third has been on this section, in the same cell, since 2011 and has watched over eighty men come through and go to their deaths. Thirteen were his friends. He just recently gave up his appeals. He told me he can no longer endure watching people die. His words were “I’m done, Billy. I’m done.”

My name is Billy Joel Tracy. I have been in prison for over twenty years continuously, and I’ve been incarcerated in prisons, juvenile hall, boy’s ranches and psychiatric hospitals for a total of over twenty-five years. I just turned forty in November 2017. I was sentenced to Death Row on November 15th, 2017 for killing a Texas prison guard, and within five hours of being sentenced, I was brought to the Polunsky Unit and put in 3 cell on the Death Watch section, where the cell had been customized for me. 

The table and shelf were cut off of the wall, the locker box cut out from under the bunk. I have no place to store my property or to sit and write, save for the floor. My cell door was totally redone so that I cannot get anything in or out of it. No other inmates are now on 1 row with me and I can only recreate alone outside. I have been isolated and made as uncomfortable as possible.

I was told this will be my cell as long as I am on Death Row. This is not a healthy way to live. I knew that immediately, and especially after talking to the man who has been here for six years.

I’ve been on this section now as of today, February 5th 2018, for two and half months and I’ve already watched three men go to their deaths at the point of a stainless steel Texas needle, loaded with Texas style justice that is pushed into their bodies and not removed until their souls leave first.

One of the three, William Rayford, was my friend...

I cannot explain to you all of the effects of living this way. Without vigilance to counteract and combat the negative impact, I know madness is lurking and will be my fate long before Texas penetrates my veins with its death dose and extracts my last breath as payment for extracting the last breath of one of “theirs.” With this awareness I am seeking to find a purpose bigger than myself; something that will help me. True, but something that is not just for me, but will give me purpose to this existence and benefit others in some way.

My plan is to go out of my way to be supportive to the guys going through this Death Watch section. If I see a need - meet it, if I see a way to help - do it. Not everyone will want or need my help - many would resent it, but some may need it and I’ll be waiting to help. I also plan to write about each person and their time on this section in a way to share their journey, humanize them, be a benefit to those of you who care about people like us. I need to make something good out of this situation, to find a positive mission of worth in this mad State of Texas.

What I have found to be the most inspirational aspect of living on this section are the guys I’ve been around so far and how well they have handled themselves going through such a stressful time.

All, save one, have been positive and stay active and interactive. I can tell that they are preoccupied mentally, but man, these fellas are handling things well.

All the men over here have been on Death Row almost ten years or longer and have lived on death’s edge for years. At first I found interacting with them difficult because the mentality of Death Row inmates, who have been on Death Row ten plus years, and the mentality of a general population and administrative segregation inmates that I’ve been around for twenty years is a lot different.

It's rare to find an administrative segregation or general population inmate who has been productive with his time, who has accomplished a lot while incarcerated. So far, it's been rare to me to talk to a Death Row long-timer who hasn't done a lot with his time.

These fellas know their time is short and make the most of it and I like that. Being that most seem goal oriented, they are also more introspective and preoccupied with thoughts of their imminent execution, which makes drawing them out of their thoughts harder.

Usually it is easy for me to get people talking - with these guys it is not easy, but once they start talking - wow, these men are smart, well read, and articulate. Not what I expected.

I expected to be around some combination of men that were full of rage, bitterness, arrogance, meanness, or men defeated, depressed, resigned and without hope.

I haven't seen but one person full of anger and one person who'd lost hope. For living in these oppressive conditions, that is not bad.

I have seen some struggling at times, but if I were not looking for it I wouldn't have seen it.

Remember, I've seen so far only a small sample of Death Row inmates come through this section. What you're reading now is my earliest thoughts on living in this environment. 

Don't be surprised if after two to three years here I see things much differently.

What you'll find next is my observation of each inmate who has been executed in the order they were killed. I hope you all find some benefit from these stories.

Always, Billy

Anthony Shore (Executed January 18th, 2018)

I was only around T-Bone, as he was called, on Death Row, for two months before his execution on January 18th, 2018. He almost never talked to any other inmates and did not go to recreation until just a few days before Texas killed him, so I did not have an opportunity to know him well but something still occurred that I want to share.

After six weeks on Death Row, I was demoted to a level III and T-bone heard about it and knew I could not make commissary. And without us ever having spoken a single word to each other, on commissary day, he bought me an ice cream and tried to send it to me, not knowing my cell door is sealed up tight and I could not get it. He tried to show some support, some inmate solidarity and I think that says something good.

It was shortly after he tried to get me that ice cream that he went to the dayroom for the first time since my arrival and I had a chance to talk to him, for about thirty minutes. I told him of my idea about writing "farewells" honoring the guys who pass through here and asked  if he'd mind if I did one about him. He said he always liked being number one (he'd be the very first person I'd watch leave to their death on Death Row and then write about) and he said it with a smile and then grew serious and said, "If you follow through with this project, I don't care what you write about me, you can tell everyone I was a monster, say what you want, just tell everyone that I said I was truly sorry for all I've done and to everyone who supported me, thank you for helping me find a better way."

He seemed very sincere when he said this and I gave my word I'd relay that message and I wrote it down word for word immediately.

T-Bone's last day was my first day witnessing a man be lead away to his death and I was hyper aware of everything happening that day. It was more than just being alert so I could "capture the moment" for this project. I've been incarcerated for over twenty years in Texas prisons, plus many more years as a juvenile, and I sensed a wrongness in the air. The very environment around us took on a different feel. Death was looming and it was triggering something vile to rise up to the surface and I could sense it and almost taste it and it had me on edge. It was no normal day.

The guards were all walking a little stiffer, a little tighter. Their voices were more clipped than normal for even these uptight Texas almost-cops. Even the female guards voices' were a little deeper. They were walking in a Death House and today was the day of death.

Maybe their own mortality was on their mind, maybe vengeance was on their mind, maybe they were second-guessing their own decision to be a participant in the murder of another human being. It may have been hypothetical for them until that very day.

The other inmates were all just a little more quiet than usual. Their voices had a little less zest. They all knew another man was about to face the fate that also awaited them. Death. Death by the State. Regardless of whether or not the other inmates liked Anthony Shore, they wanted no part in making his last day any more trying then it already would be, so whether it was consciously or subconsciously, everyone spoke a bit softer, with radios lowered. The atmosphere of the other inmates was like a light that had been dimmed.

At 7:55 AM the Death (Row) Major came onto the Death Watch section and went up stairs to 8 cell where T-Bone was housed and told him they were going to put him in the dayroom right then.

This made zero sense because T-Bone had a visit scheduled from 8am to 12pm and he tried to explain that to the Major of Death, saying why not just take him directly from his cell to visitation as his visitor was already at the visitation room. The Major of Death told him in an aggressive and confrontational voice, "You're going to the dayroom and you don't have a choice in the matter." Hearing this, my gut reaction was that this Major was trying to antagonize T-Bone, hoping that he'd become belligerent and give him an excuse to refuse his last visits, or so he could get him in the dayroom for one last public humiliation and have him do the strip search dance and bend over and spread 'em, boy!

Anthony Shore did not become belligerent, he was stoic and kept his cool and went to the dayroom, where stayed for about six to eight minutes before he was taken to his visit. I spoke to him briefly, telling him goodbye and I was looking for nervousness or fear. If there was any, he completely hid it from sight. He seemed almost eager to get this over with and end his own suffering.

After he was stripped out, he was escorted out by a few guards, and only one inmate said goodbye, which I found very odd as I expected a show of solidarity from others.

As soon as Shore was gone, the inmates grew louder and the tension was gone from the guards. The sense of wrongness in the air, however, lingered awhile. That vileness was not so ready to recede back to the place it had arisen from.

Rest in Peace Anthony Shore.

William Rayford (Executed January 30th, 2018)

Rayford was a sixty-four-year-old man, tall and lanky, with broad shoulders and a little bitty head. He was still thin and trim despite his age and having to use a walker for the previous year plus, due to a broken hip. He had a very unusual voice, that was high and smooth and he had a lisp that made it sound like he was baby talking. I got a kick out of how he talked and how he sounded. No matter what he said he sounded happy and it was so clear in his voice that he was a good person.

I have never seen more inmates seek out and talk to another inmate as they did with Rayford, even if it was just to say a quick hello, and it was all inmates, white, black and Hispanic. He was one of those rare individuals that everyone liked, and almost everyone called him "Papa," "Grandpa," "Old school," "Old Fella." Even many guards did. If he wasn't called by one of those names he was just called by his last name, Rayford.

Sunday the 28th of January 2018 was two days before he was scheduled to be executed on January 30th. I knew on Monday the 29th he would be at visitation from 8am to 5pm and would have plenty to keep him distracted and from dwelling on his looming demise. I was worried that Sunday would be rough for him because he's locked up in his cell all day because there is no recreation on weekends and I could just imagine him down there stressing out, so I asked him if he'd like to play chess with me (we each have our own chess boards that are numbered the same way and we each call out the number of the square each piece is on and being moved to. That's how we play without being in the same room together). He was eager to play. Ol’ Rayford was a pretty decent player and the few times we'd played he'd rarely missed any of my mistakes, or made any of his own. This day he was messing up a lot though, and that told me he was stressed and preoccupied. I was glad then I'd asked him to play. We played for a few hours and then afterwards talked awhile and a few others joined in the conversation and we all spent some time with him.

I asked him how he was feeling and he said he was ready to go. Only knowing Rayford two and a half months, I did not know if he was religious, or, really, what, if anything, he meant by that statement and I asked him "Ready to go where, Rayford?"

He answered me quickly and with sincerity and certainty in his voice, "Heaven, Billy, I'm ready to go to heaven".

He said he was still a little nervous and scared, but overall he was prepared - as prepared as a healthy person can be - to die, and was ready to say howdy to Jesus.

The day of his execution he was taken directly out of his cell by just a few guards and rolled off of the section in a wheelchair. Knowing unless he got a last minute, stay, reprieve or commutation we'd never see him again; everyone on this section shouted out their goodbyes and support and many on other sections did as well.

Seeing that old guy get wheeled away sucked. Rayford was the second person I'd seen go to his death, but the first person I'd known well enough to like and feel a kinship with.

I think everyone was a little heartsick when he was killed. The day after his execution not one of us who'd watched him deal with his last few months went to recreation, and that had never happened before.

Rest in Peace Old Man Rayford, many miss you.

John Battaglia (Executed February 1st, 2018)

My goal in writing about the fallen Death Row inmates is to share something positive about them, to humanize them. To share their struggles with those who care, struggles that I witness as I am housed on the Death Watch section with them, in the hopes that maybe it will be a comfort to those who loved these men or, maybe, even encourage readers who are against the death penalty to continue to fight and to let them know that others see their goodness and worth too.

With Mr. Battaglia I am taking a different approach and I hope everyone will bare with me and, at least, value my honesty and hopefully, too, put more weight on the farewells I write about others that are more positive and know that what I write comes from my heart.

I spent two and a half months on this "Death Watch" section with Mr. Battaglia and I paid a lot of attention to his interactions with other inmates and guards, searching for positive stories to write down to share with those who'd read these farewells, searching for him to do or say something positive, something good, to help someone in some way, to support someone struggling. I tried and failed. I never saw anything redeeming at all, only the opposite, examples of meanness and bitterness.

I searched out positives in Mr. Battaglia until the day of his execution on February 1st 2018. It was not until that day that I began to try to write something positive about him and was simply stymied. I decided I would ask others who had been around him for years and years, guys who are very insightful and intelligent, to share positive interactions with him, or, of acts of kindness by him they'd seen. Both times I got long pauses while they thought about it and then I was told they'd never witnessed anything of the sort from him.

Mr. Battaglia was put in the dayroom before 8am on the day of his execution and stayed in the dayroom until three minutes before noon, when it was time for him to be taken to Huntsville’s "Death House" in preparation for his state-sanctioned murder. At this time, about fifteen Texas Department of Criminal Justice (TDCJ) officials swarmed onto A pod 1 section and gathered around the dayroom bars like a swarm of grey clad locusts, crowding him, and demanding he submit to a strip search.

All of the Polunsky wardens and majors were there, along with captains, lieutenants and sergeants and two others in free world clothes that appeared to be from Huntsville. Mr. Battaglia had a very high profile case, so the TDCJ vultures all wanted to ensure that they were involved somehow, to have something to brag about with family and friends. A ghoulish badge of honor.

These vultures in grey made sure to dehumanize him to the fullest - with females just feet away, ordering him with loud, rough, contempt filled voices to bend over and spread his buttocks, just so they could put him in chains, walk him sixty feet away to another cage and search him all over again.

After he left, I gave up trying to force out something positive about him and decided I'd just let things percolate in my mind.

The very next day another inmate on Death Watch came to the dayroom and I asked him about something positive he'd seen in or from Mr. Battaglia and he had also not seen anything redeeming, but he told me something that struck extremely close to home for me and something that could explain a lot about Mr. Battaglia.

Mr. Battaglia had shown this inmate his service records from serving in the marines. His service record was spotless, no disciplinary issues at all and he asked Mr. Battaglia about this and he stated he'd never had any sort of behavior issues prior to or during his service, that that all began occurring after his discharge. And what I found most intriguing was, while serving overseas, he was exposed to numerous poisonous chemicals that caused neurological damage to soldiers and very well could have caused neurological (brain) damage in him. This happened to thousands of our soldiers in the Vietnam conflict. This is a proven fact. Lead poisoning... agent orange... nerve gases... various inoculations. All of these things caused thousand of our soldiers neurological and central nervous system damage, which the government covered up for years.

One of the most common side effects of neurological damage is an increase in aggression. You get mean. You lose patience. You see it with lead poisoning, Alzheimer's, and even in Rabies, for example.

I do not know if Mr. Battaglia had neurological damage or not. I do know that neither before nor after his trial did he have an MRI or PET scan, or any other brain scan done and the competency exam he underwent was not a proper exam. He was simply never tested for brain damage.

Having severe organic brain damage myself, damage that went undiagnosed until I was twenty, despite being in and out of mental institutions starting at eleven years old - nobody thought to check for it - I have studied neurology to better understand my behavior and try to correct it, I'm no expert but Mr. Battaglia’s behavior does fit someone with neurological damage.

If he did suffer from brain damage, it's a tragedy that the state killed him and it's a tragedy that he never got help when he was free, before committing his crime. Our society has a responsibility to help those who are ill, who suffer from psychological disorders or from organic brain damage. If our society determines that the treatment - or cure - is death, then I submit to you that that cure is nothing more than another form of eugenics.

Rest in Peace Mr. Battaglia.

Thomas Whitaker (Granted Clemency February 22nd, 2018)

Have you seen the old TV show “The Wonder Years” with Fred Savage and Danica McKellar? If you have seen this show you will remember the science teacher just as well as the main characters, because of how this teacher spoke. He spoke in the driest monotone you can imagine. His face was a blank, emotionless, slab of European drabness, his voice was a pitchless drone, and multi-syllable words rattled out of his mouth with ease.

He was the Hollywood creation of the extreme stereotypical science teacher: very dry, very dull. Utterly emotionless and monotonous. The actor played the role so well he ended up doing commercials as that science teacher on multiple other TV shows.

I think Thomas is related to that guy. Like that fictional character, Thomas has mastered the art of removing all emotion from his voice and face.

I heard Thomas speaking long before I ever saw him when he was in the dayroom for his two hours of recreation, and his flat monotone immediately struck me as different, and then the extremely precise way he annunciated each word made me think he ironed his underwear. You just do not hear people in prison speak like that. Ever. How he structured his sentences and expressed his thoughts and ideas was like he was reading from a prepared script. That’s how organized and well thought out everything I heard him saying sounded.

He sounded like the whitest person in the history of the world, and also, extremely intelligent. My mind created an image of what I thought Thomas would look like, from listening to him speak and that was someone about thirty years old, five foot five inches tall very thin – maybe a hundred and forty pounds and balding ... And of course lily-white. I was curious to see what this uniquely-voiced individual actually looked like, but I had just arrived on Death Row the day before and my glasses were confiscated by the Major of Death, as a way to harass me, and there was no way I could see Thomas without my glasses. I had to wait until my third day on Death Row to receive my personal property, which had my spare pair of glasses.

On that day, Thomas was escorted to the dayroom, which is directly in front of my cell, but he did not speak to anyone on his way to the dayroom or when he got inside the barred cage. Without hearing his voice, I had no way to know whether he was the guy I was curious about, but when I walked to my cell door I saw a very pale-skinned, bald-headed, tallish, semi-thin guy jogging from one side of the small triangular-shaped dayroom to the other side. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth...

He was jogging with his back straight and his head up and slightly tilted back, and he ran with a slow steady stride. Even though he was much bigger than my imagination had conjured up, I immediately knew this was the science teacher I had heard the day before.

What struck me the most about Thomas was the enormous size of his head. I had the idea that he wasn’t really jogging in the dayroom, but was instead a pendulum, and his head the weighted end swinging his body back and forth .... back and forth .... with his feet pitter-patting to keep up. When he’d reach the end of the dayroom he’d just lean his head backward more and the massive weight of it caused his body to spin around and follow the new direction. As I watched him jog I was intrigued by how he would be able to stop himself. Surely his skinny legs were not strong enough to produce enough power to decelerate safely, so I watched him jog just to see how he’d come to a stop and after over an hour and a half he was still going and I was becoming convinced that I was not on Death Row at all, but in purgatory and I was watching a man trapped in a cage as some bizarre form of spiritual restitution. He would never stop, in fact couldn’t, and his head had been intentionally enlarged to such an extreme to force him to be a human pendulum.
But eventually Thomas did manage to come to a complete stop, and when he did, his back was to me and I clearly saw his neck bones compress so severely, I thought his head was going to cause his spine to collapse. But somehow the bones withstood that cosmic force and left me wondering if enough pressure had been generated in the compression between his neck bones to create a diamond.

Thomas then grabbed the thin, blue, plastic covered, foam exercise mattress and positioned it beside the sink, a stainless steel box that’s attached to the concrete wall about six inches off the ground, and is roughly three and a half feet tall. I knew he was about to sit on the matt and put his feet underneath the box frame of the sink and do sit-ups. And I became very alarmed. Sit-ups with a head that massive? If he was strong enough to lift his head up and forward surely he’d smash it into the stainless steel sink like a wrecking ball and obliterate the sink. He couldn’t possibly be able to stop his forward momentum,  could he? With fascination I watched his planet-sized head rise off of the concrete (it didn’t fit entirely on the matt) and then swing forward towards the sink and then, a miracle occurred and his forward momentum actually stopped without his wrecking ball of a head smashing into the sink. Most surprising of all, when his torso stopped his head did not fly right off of his body. How the hell could his body be strong enough to endure that weight and that strain?

In my mind I had named Thomas “Bobby” from that cartoon “Bobby’s World,” about a baby with a gigantic head and who was a super genius.  

I didn’t speak to Bobby, I mean Thomas, until a week or two after my arrival and as expected, he was polite but very reserved, standoffish without being rude. The first few times we spoke were brief, but there was an immediate click between us and we slowly began to thaw towards each other. Bobby – damn it – Thomas, had been on Death Row over a decade when we met and had recently received his “Date of Death” and was fighting with the aid of his father, friends, lawyers and the media for clemency, meaning his sentence would be commuted to Life without Parole. He was highly involved with this endeavor and stayed busy on one project or another in an effort to save himself.

Knowing he was a busy man fighting for his life, I did not want to bother him, but at the same time I was new to Death Row and had a ton (the weight of Thomas’s head) of questions about how things went appeal-wise, what to expect, and how to navigate all things legal. Thomas always took the time to answer in a thorough manner, covering everything I needed to know. Now and then, as the work he was doing to save himself would hit a lull, he would have more time to discuss deeper topics and we’d run through there discussing politics, religion, philosophy, science and psychology. I couldn’t miss this big-headed dude on any topic, and usually he was more well-versed on whatever subject we would be on. I would throw out questions to get him talking, but he quickly caught on to my strategy and would deflect my questions with his own questions, or, switch topics. What I got a kick out of ol’ Big Head the most was how slick he was at dispensing little bits and pieces of a story at a time and leaving you thinking you knew the whole story only to later learn you really didn’t know shit at all. With his super-dry monotonous style of talking you wouldn’t think he’d be a good storyteller – but he was. How the hell he pulled that off I have no idea. You would think listening to a robot talk would be boring, but it wasn’t at all. Plus, I was still convinced that one day, his head would fall off, and that kept me riveted too.

As robotic as he speaks – as emotionless as he portrays himself to be – you’d damn sure never expect him to be able to express deep emotions with the written word. Well, you’d be wrong. He’s the best incarcerated writer I’ve ever read by far. He writes the way I wish I could. How can such a somber person express such deep emotions in such a creative way? It’s as if he is afraid if he lets emotion show in his face or voice then it’ll be forever lost and he’d never be able to capture it on paper. It’s like he has to hold it all inside so he can save it for a later need – a later time – when he can channel it to share it with many more people through a story, article or essay.

Maybe the reason his head is so big is it’s filled with all of the emotions he never showed anyone except when he wrote.

I came to really like Thomas and respect him. He’d spent years on Death Row educating himself to a degree I have never seen another inmate do and also rebuilding a damaged relationship with someone close to him (that story alone is inspirational), all the while maintaining decent conditioning. It is rare to see men in prison who workout their bodies, minds and master their emotions. Most either accomplish nothing, or, focus on just one thing, exercising exclusively their bodies, or minds, or emotional well-being. People like that are like body builders who only workout their upper bodies. They seem okay, at first, until you see their atrophied legs. Bobby – I mean Thomas - wasn’t atrophied, especially not his head. He was well-rounded, especially his head. During his last days on Death Row he was cool and calm and stayed mellow. I know he was feeling plenty but he didn’t show it. He didn’t start acting crazy or seeking God. He maintained his composure and prior beliefs. He handled the enormous pressure of looming death extremely well. Almost as well as his neck handles the enormous pressure his head puts on it.

When it was announced on the news, he’d gotten clemency, there was a lot of cheering from those of us on Death Row who called Bobby our friend.

May your journey continue in peace and be successful. 

Always, Billy

Rosendo Rodriguez (Executed March 27th, 2018)

So far in my short time (five months) living on the Texas Department of Criminal "Justice" Death Watch-section that houses the men on Death Row who have execution dates, Rosendo Rodriguez has been the most outspoken person I've met about his - as he called them, "bleeding heart liberal" political views, as a staunch opponent of the death penalty and of how Texas operates its penal institutions.

Rod, as he was called by us, did not just rant about how unjust the penal system is, as the vast majority of Texas prisoners typically do, but had studied how other countries operate their prisons and found what he felt was a solution to the problem in the way that Germany runs its system: focusing on rehabilitation and treating its inmates in a humane way and not striping away dignity and breaking the inmates' spirits as Texas does.

That was one of Rod's favorite subjects, Germany. Rod had even learned to speak, read and write in German. What I liked and admired about Rod was his passion and effort to look for a solution to what he felt was an injustice perpetuated against societies outcasts. His passion wasn't solely because he wanted a more comfortable existence for those incarcerated but because he believed that if you treat criminals like humans and focus on rehabilitation, these same men and women would be more likely to get out and become productive members of society. He loved to tell me how much lower Germany's recidivism rate is than Texas's - much lower - and how lowering the recidivism rate is a benefit to the whole state and country.

When I spoke with Rod, our conversations seemed to revolve around his desire to help others in one way or another. I asked him why he wanted to help others so much and he told me in his very sophisticated, college-educated way, while pushing his glasses up his rather large nose with one finger and rumbling away in his very deep voice that he feels a terrible sense of guilt for things he's done in his life and is compelled to, in some small way, try to make a positive impact to offset the negative impact he's had. I really understood that and appreciated how forthright he was with me.

Rod handled his last months and days well. He never seemed fazed by his impending death and kept a positive, easy-going demeanor. He was always polite, respectful and courteous to everyone. I never once saw Rod become irritated or impatient. No matter the situation he treated everyone with kindness and understanding.

Roughly a month before his execution date he found out through the vigilant effort of his friend - and not through his trial attorney or District Attorney's office as he should have - that a doctor who testified against him at his trial had been accused of falsifying autopsy reports, having an affair while being in the army (which is something you get discharged for) and other issues. Rod looked up every case he could find where that doctor testified and wrote the attorneys that represented the defendants in those cases and informed them of the issues with that testifying witnesses and reminded them of their obligation to inform their clients and file with the courts to have a hearing to determine if this new information of that witnesses morality problems disqualified them as an expert witness and would require a new trial. He did all he could to try to help those people who he did not even know.

Rod was writing these letters until the week he was executed. Such was his commitment to try to make a positive impact.

The day of his execution, as rank was on their way to take him out of his cell and lead him away, the last thing I heard him say was to request that two other inmates to look out for a third who had recently gotten his execution date and been brought to the Death Watch section and was having a hard time emotionally.

Even hours from death he was trying to help others.

Rest in Peace Rod.

Erick Davila (Executed April 25th, 2018)

Truman, as he went by in prison, was about 6 feet tall rangy athletic, light skinned, good looking. He had a BIG smile for DAYS and this hilarious laugh that seemed to start at his toes and travel up through his stomach and then rattle around in his throat before escaping from his mouth. His laugh made me laugh. It was the laugh of a silly kid having fun. He was what we call "ghetto." He spoke like a man raised in the ghetto and like a gang member. He was "HOOD." He had swagger, presence and self-confidence. Based on the way he spoke, it would be easy to assume that he lacked the ability to have very complex thoughts, but that would be the wrong assumption. He was very intelligent.

Truman was a Blood gang member who was raised by a gang as much as, or more, than by his family and lived for and subsequently died for his devotion to his gang. He was by nature a good-hearted person. That was evident in his daily interactions with other inmates and prison staff. For ANY inmate who he felt was honorable, with a warrior's heart, Truman was there in anyway he could be to help them without needing to be asked, and any prison staff that treated us with respect he was respectful toward. He was a gangster and a good person.

Truman was a classic product of his environment; a black male raised in the streets who sought family bonds by becoming a gang member and became one hundred percent devoted to his gang. Had he been raised in a different environment, he could have become a successful person. His heart and nature were high quality. What I mean is that his instincts were to be kind and generous, and to put forth all of his effort all of the time.

About three weeks after Truman was first brought to the Death Watch section, I was trying to understand what kind of person he was.  He was in the dayroom real early one morning for his two hours of recreation. The dayroom is just a cage with a table, pull-up bar and toilet and it is right in front of the cells. Since it was so early, everyone Truman normally talked to was asleep, so without anyone to talk to he was just prowling around the little cage - pacing back and forth - quietly rapping to himself and then an airplane flew directly over the prison - low enough for it to be pretty loud to us inside the building. I'd just come to my cell door, in front of the dayroom, and was looking at Truman as we heard the thunder of the low flying plane. He stopped, clocked his head sideways to better hear the plane and became still - totally motionless- and then he said in a quiet voice, "I'm here."

That hit me hard... I heard that as the plea of a man two months from death saying "Over here, over here - come get me out of this carnal house!"

It showed me a glimpse of the little boy he was and of his sense of humor and spirit. From that day on I liked him.

On his last day alive he'd been up for close to two days straight without any sleep, when I spoke to him early that morning, and he told me he was getting in every last bit of life he could and asked me to mention in this farewell that he loved his family, fiancée (he actually said wife) in Holland and the Bloods. He wanted all of y'all to know how much he loved you.

Rest in peace Erick Davila.

Sincerely, Billy Tracy

Juan Castillo (Executed May 16th, 2018)

Dear Juan,

Damn Homie, I've been sitting here staring at this blank sheet of paper for thirty-something minutes, trying to figure out what to say to you. It's Saturday, May 19th, 2018, three days since you were killed and I still haven't been able to put my feelings into thoughts and those thoughts into the words that do justice to the feelings.

I stayed awake, the day you died, and listened to the Execution Show on the radio, until they reported that you were gone. When they said you were gone I knocked my headphones off of my head and tried to go to sleep and couldn't. My mind was whirling with thoughts of your kids and parents and what they were dealing with right then. And thinking of the interview I'd just listened to, on the radio that you'd given with Ray Hill. You sounded like a dork bro. I'm just sayin'.

You had me laughing with how fast you were talking and how nervous and uncomfortable you sounded.

Listening to you talking on the radio at the exact same time I knew you were – likely – living the very last moments of your life was surreal.

When Ray Hill said you were gone, unexpected tears started streaming down my face. I thought you'd get a last minute stay and live to fight another day. I just don't believe you did the crime you were executed for and hearing you were killed while likely innocent made the tears roll.

And then listening to that clown on the Execution Show taking the stand that you were guilty and discussing your motives for firing your trial attorneys after you were found guilty in the sentencing phase of your trial and before the punishment phase began and representing yourself, pro se, because you had convinced yourself that without any physical evidence there was no way you'd get found guilty and were not prepared for being found guilty, so you had a temper tantrum and fired your attorneys. How stupid could that guy be not to see the obvious? That an innocent man with incompetent attorneys who'd just been found guilty for something he didn't do would be so outraged with his attorneys that he'd fire them out of sheer disgust. That wasn't the act of an angry guilty man, but the act of a disgusted innocent man.

All of those things were spinning through my mind and I got so worked up I had to get up and pace about in my little space, in my walk to nowhere, until I'd calmed down enough to lay back down. I didn't sleep much that night.

When I got to Death Row November 15th, 2017 and was put on the Death Watch section, you were the first person I spoke to and you did all you could to help me. You gave me all the addresses to the people who are advocates for Death Row. At that time you were just two to three weeks from your execution date and were still so positive and sure you would get a stay. And sure enough just days later you got a stay and were moved off the pod. You were not gone long before getting yet another date and coming back to the Death Watch section and still you were positive and hopeful that you'd get another stay.

When I asked you why you were so sure you would not get executed you told me you were innocent ,and sensing my skepticism, you went into extreme detail about your case, explaining how there was no physical evidence at all against you and you were convicted solely on the testimony of people who were all connected together as friends, blood or relationship and had a reason to lie, to try to save the man actually caught at the scene of the crime and all (or most) of these witnesses later recanted.

And every last thing you told me happened was conversed about on the Execution Show by people who'd read the trial records. You hadn't misled me about anything. I am nobody’s sucker and my gut was screaming to me that you were telling me the truth. I believed you and I still do.

Juan, you were not a typical dime a dozen inmate. You shined. Your nature was good and you had a humble pride that set you apart. It’s rare in here to find people with true honor and integrity and you had both, and that is why I believed you so strongly about being innocent.

Getting to know you was a trip. I'll never forget the day you were at recreation, in the dayroom, standing in front of my cell, talking to me about different drawings you'd done and what art meant to you. Seeing that you had tattoos and were an artist, I asked you if you'd done any of your own tattoos and you started telling me about the tattoos you'd done on yourself and then you dropped your head to look at a tattoo on your shoulder and said “I got this one when I was 17 years old and still free and I really regret it.” I could not see what it was and asked you what it was. You wouldn't look at me and mumbled something I couldn't catch and had to ask you to repeat yourself. You finally looked at me and said, “an electric chair...” It took me a second to process this and then some unintelligible loud noise erupted out of me. I couldn't believe it. Of all the bad ideas and of the irony! A man on Death Row who got a freaking electric chair tattoo on himself years before getting accused of Capital Murder and ending up on Death Row!

I loved getting you talking about your son and plotting ideas to try to get his ass back on the right track and refocused on school. You were so proud of how smart he is but were worried he was slowly slipping down the wrong path. I saw the frustration and worry and the helplessness you felt at the idea that your son might screw up his life without you out there with him, you seemed consumed with guilt over not being there for him and your other kids. At least to me it seemed that the worst part of your situation was not being there for your family and that your execution would cause your family yet more pain. You never seemed afraid of death – only bothered with knowing that your death would hurt to the very people you'd give your life to protect from pain.

On May 16th, 2018 when you left this section to go to your last visit until they took you to the Death House in Huntsville I told myself I would not be at my door and not watch you leave. I did not want to see an innocent man walk away to be murdered. I was sitting on my mattress with my back to the door when the guards were getting you out of your cell and escorting you out. When you were going by my cell you hollered my name and said goodbye. And I was at my door in a second and without even realizing I was doing what I'd promised I wouldn't do. And forever the last image of you in my mind will be of you handcuffed behind your back with guards on either side of you and your shiny, baldhead bobbing away out of my sight.

I am glad I saw you leave, even if that image will haunt me forever... Rest in peace.

Always, Billy

Death Watch Update June 5th, 2018

I have now been on Death Row and the Death Watch section for almost seven months and I have a few things to share with everyone.

As you all know we on the Death Watch section have cameras in our cells and I want to talk first about the effects of living under constant surveillance that I have noticed in myself.

I did not believe that having to live with a camera in my cell could change my behavior at all. I felt that I was too strong and secure in myself for it to affect my psyche and then something occurred that made me realize how full of false confidence I was.

An over-twenty-five-year-old memory kept resurfacing of a girl I had seen on my school bus when I was fourteen years old. A girl who I did not even know and whose name I can’t remember ever knowing. Why was she now haunting my thoughts?

I rode the school bus starting my freshman year in high school and when I got on the bus I noticed this girl. She was new. I knew everybody, especially all the pretty girls, so right away I was curious. My memory is a bit hazy about the time frame in which it took me to see that she was REALLY shy and insecure and did not like to talk to other people and only ever talked with a girl who lived near her, but at some point I realized these things and I could not understand a girl that pretty could be so insecure. In my fourteen years of experience the beautiful people always were the most confident seeming and outgoing. Why was she so fragile? I was thinking she must get abused at home by her parents. What else could make sense?

I am guessing it was, at least, a month after first seeing her that I finally got an explanation. We were on the bus heading to school and she and her friend were sitting in a seat together one row behind mine and across the aisle from me. This girl and I were both sitting in the aisle seat so sitting sideways in my seat I could see her clearly.

She had this super thick curly long golden hair that had natural highlights in it and bounced as she moved her head. It was spectacular hair and I was checking her out. She was talking to her friend and something kept catching my eye and I could not understand what it was my mind was telling me I was missing. I stopped checking her out and let my mind focus more ... It was something with HOW she was moving her hand ... What was it? Every time she moved her right hand she did it in a way where you couldn’t get a good look at it. Suddenly it would be in and out of sight and always angled so you couldn’t see it clearly. Her hand would zip here and there and then be hidden out of sight again behind her bag, in a fold of her shirt, up the sleeve of the long sleeve shirt that she had on, behind her other hand. She mixed it up never hiding her hand the same way twice in a row. It was this subterfuge that my mind had picked up, but why was she hiding her hand? Minutes had passed and I still hadn’t gotten a good look. I continued subtly watching and was struck by how smooth she was at hiding her hand. It had to be second nature, something she did without conscious thought. Hard as I tried I never got a really clear look at her hand – only a glimpse here and there that let me know it was terribly deformed with little fingers in the wrong places.

It hit me hard that day. She wasn’t so insecure because of her hand – but because of how others made her feel about her hand. It made me think her family must make her feel ugly and deformed for her to be so self-conscious and insecure. Sure, kids might have teased her but with strong family support you would think she would be more self-confident. As these thoughts bounced around in my head I remember feeling outraged at humanity for damaging this beautiful girl over such a trivial issue and such sympathy for her. Shortly after this I moved and I never saw her again.

Why was she on my mind now? What the hell? Then it hit me. I was doing the same thing unconsciously that she had been doing when she was hiding her hand. Without even realizing it I had started to position my body so the camera couldn’t get a good angle of me. When I would read a book, the book was held in a way that blocked the view of my face. Since my cell has no table I eat using my sink as my table and I would stand with my back to the camera so I couldn’t be observed eating. When I realized what had slowly, insidiously been occurring in me, I was horrified. I thought there was no way that camera could affect me, but it did, and without me even being consciously aware of it.

The resurfaced memories of that girl, I think, was my subconscious trying to reach me, to help me, to make me aware so I could fight off the negative effects. Since I noticed what was occurring I have stopped hiding from the camera. It seems just being aware that I was doing that was enough to curb my desire to hide.

I recently heard another inmate on Death Watch say he doesn’t give a fuck about the camera in his cell. That he is an exhibitionist and if they want to watch him, then they are going to see everything. Then, when I was walking past his cell, on my way to the shower, I noticed he had his cell door covered up with a towel so nobody could look inside. I knew that the camera had to bother him. If you don’t want people walking by on the run looking into your cell, then you sure don’t want a camera inside your cell.

It seems to me that as “macho men,” we don’t want to admit that anything bothers us, not to ourselves, not to others. And especially not that the tactics the State, our captors, use to torment us have an effect. That would be admitting, to ourselves that the State is accomplishing its goals, and that is a bitch for people like us to admit.

The next thing I want to share with you is the effect of watching men live out their last days has had on me.

I have now seen seven men came through this Death Watch section and walk away to be taken to Huntsville for termination. Only Thomas Whitaker was not murdered. He was granted clemency, moments before he would have been killed. His sentence was commuted to Life without Parole.

Seven men I have watched be led away and I have watched this Death Watch section fill back up again with more men who have received extermination dates. As of this writing, there are now nine more men with dates. Nine more men Texas is determined to obliterate in the next four months, ending October 24th with Kwame Rockwell (may they all get stays, pardons, exonerations or granted clemency).

I never expected living around men with months and days to live to be an easy experience. I knew it wouldn’t be, but I had no idea what I was really in for, especially with my commitment to try to befriend these guys and become emotionally involved. I really liked Rayford, he was a sweet old man. I agonized over whether Whitaker would get clemency, and celebrated when he did. I liked him a lot and enjoyed talking with someone so intelligent. Erick Davila ... I will never forget his smile or goofy laugh. And my boy, Juan Castillo, you were special and I will never forget you and I will always believe you were innocent.

I almost wish that all of these men were assholes with repugnant personalities so I wouldn’t mourn them. I feel like I have been in mourning since January – a mourning that starts over and over, with layer upon layer added and I know it will never end.

I committed to this project of writing these men’s farewells, of trying to be there for them, of intentionally reaching out to them and befriending them, of allowing myself to care, of becoming emotionally involved. After watching Castillo walk away from this section, to be murdered, I almost decided to quit, to give up on trying to be a benefit to these men, to armor my heart and not allow anyone in. To hibernate, to shut out the pain, to avoid making friends with men about to die, to form a shell around myself and shut out everyone else on this section so I could have some peace. Then I thought about all of the people out in the world who support Death Row inmates and fight for us – my fiancée, all the members of H.I.S., Soul Sisters, Death Row Support Project, Human Writes, The Wing of Friendship and all the anti Death Penalty groups, my old and new friends who have all stood by me. You all haven’t quit, you all haven’t taken the easy way out. Ya’ll endure the pain so you can make a difference. I finally understand what all of you are going through. Ya’ll endure it. So can I. So will I. Ya’ll's support made the difference in me not quitting.

To end this update on a positive note, after six months, I was finally appointed attorney David Dow to do my State Habeas Appeal. I met him and Jeff Newberry and I was impressed with both men. They are both extremely smart and struck me as men who are far from lazy and who will not take the easy way out by putting together some appeal that is just good enough to not get them disbarred, but of zero use to me and will surely not help me avoid the needle. All the court appointed attorneys I have had over the years have been lazy and put in no effort into their defense of me and I pretty much knew they were useless soon after meeting them.

I did not get that feeling from Dow or Newberry and I can’t express enough what a relief that is.

My direct appeal attorney, Jeff Haas, was appointed in December and I still have not met him nor has he responded to my letters. Dow was appointed May 4th and Newberry was visiting me seven days later and Dow a week after that.

More good news! The walls in my cell looked like a tornado had come through, with peeling and flaking paint everywhere, but it’s finally been painted. I only had to pay for the paint myself, file grievances, and have Yolanda make complaints for me! Ahhhh, it sure is nice to have clean looking walls.

I am still recreating alone outside, but now that the weather is nice I have sun beaming on me and I love the heat. (Shut up Rednecks! I can hear you saying, “Then he will love it in hell” ... hahaha, stupid Rednecks). And with the nicer weather there are all kinds of insects on the yard that I have gotten a kick out of watching. I never knew how kinky bugs were. I watched some freaky bugs have sex the other day. They were some type of long bodied flying insect. I watched them land on the wall and back up into each other until the tail end of one went inside the tail end of the other and then they stayed like that for 30-40 minutes. Think about that. Most bugs only live 2-4 weeks so for that life span 30-40 minutes is like humans having nonstop sex for weeks or months. Then the male tried to disconnect himself, but the female would not release him. Then all the sudden the male takes off flying still connected to the female – dragging her through the air going in circles and circles until she finally released him and then began chasing him around. I couldn’t tell if she was happy or mad or some type of nympho bug or what ....

My point in sharing this silly story is if you will look for it – no matter where you are, or what you are enduring – you will find something to laugh at, something new and something beautiful.

'til next time,
Always, Billy

Danny Bible (Executed June 27th, 2018)

When Danny was being transported to Death Row in 2003 the vehicle he was in crashed, killing everyone involved except for Danny. It left his body utterly obliterated. I do not know, specifically, how many bones in his body were broken all together, but Danny told me twenty-two bones in his back were broken, his ribs and all of the bones in his arms and legs were broken. He was in a full body cast and in traction for six months. I met him fifteen years after his accident, when he was sixty-six years old and he could barely stand up right, and with the aid of a walker, could still barely walk. On top of all of that he had Diabetes and severe Parkinson's disease.

Normally, Danny would be taken everywhere in a wheelchair, but one day he decided he would walk ninety feet. You cannot possibly imagine how long it took this highly dangerous, imminent threat to society to complete this walk. I timed it. It took twenty-one minutes. Twenty-one minutes with the use of a walker. Twenty-one agonizing minutes.

His cell was only twenty feet from my cell and it took many minutes of effort before he traveled far enough that I could even see him. I could hear his progress though. Every thirty seconds or so, I could hear the “ca-chunk” of his walker being raised up and set back onto the cold hard concrete slab. “Ca-chunk” was the noise that old man's walker made to signify the inch of progress he'd traveled on his journey to receive the insulin injection. An injection that would keep him alive until another injection would end his life.

“Ca-Chunk” ... “Ca-Chunk” ... “Ca-Chunk”... went this old mans’ walker on his determined quest to stay alive.

When Danny finally came into my view my eyes were riveted on his face. It was filled with determination and extreme concentration. He seemed fixated on staying up right and completing his trip without losing his dignity. His small mouth was slightly opened so he could get enough air to fuel his mad dash of “ca-chunking” to the nurse who was waiting for him at the gate that lead into the Death Watch section, where he was housed. I will let you decide why she couldn’t come onto the section to give him his injection.

With each one-inch advancement, more perspiration became visible on his big white belly and dripping out of his white hair and his lightly wrinkled face.

Intermittently Danny would pause to rest and due to the Parkinson's Disease, his hands and arms shook bad enough to make the two pairs of linked together handcuffs rattle with metallic music. Yes. This ravaged man with a walker was actually wearing handcuffs. One pair on his left wrist and one pair on his right wrist with the loose ends of both sets locked together. This allowed Danny the ability to still operate his walker, albeit extremely slowly, and to be secured. During his long voyage to receive his life-saving injection, two highly trained TDCJ guards with body armor and pepper spray stood at his elbows to ensure he did not attempt to escape or harm the nurse.

This was the man I watched leave this section on June 27th, 2018 to be taken to his last visit before his execution. He was taken away in a wheelchair, his hands and arms shaking so badly from his disease I could hear the chains attached to him rattling. He was shaking because TDCJ would not give him his Parkinson's medication for the past several days for unknown reasons. For fifteen years Danny lived in a ravaged, pain wracked, barely functional body while battling Diabetes and Parkinson's and living all alone in a tiny cell.

Whatever wrong Danny had done in his life, I think he suffered for it plenty in those fifteen years of isolated, pain-filled misery.

I do not know who Danny was before suffering like that for so long, but I know he wasn’t the same man he was after that degree of suffering for that long. Living in solitary confinement is bad enough, let alone barely being able to move, with each movement causing pain.

The man I met at the end of his life was generous and caring to others. I watched him many times buy enough commissary so a big meal could be cooked and shared with almost everyone on Death Watch. I saw him reading his bible and go and get baptized shortly before his execution.

I saw him endure.

Texas demands its revenge no matter what. They got fifteen years of revenge – plus his life. 

Texas should be so proud.

Rest in peace Danny. 

Always, Billy

Christopher Young  (Executed July 17th, 2018)

Conversations with Young … also known as … “Lunatic”.

What you are about to read are conversations that Young and I had. These conversations will do a better job of showing you who he evolved into after over a decade on Death Row then I could ever hope to show you by any other way.

Billy Tracy: “Look out Lunatic.”

Chris Young: “What’s happenin’ Billy?”

Tracy:  “Did Truman make it?’

Young:  “No. They got him.”

Tracy:  “Fuck … How are you handling it?”

Young: “Man Billy, it almost broke me. Truman was like my brother. We had went through so much shit together. I loved him and I had to grab myself and pull myself back in before I broke…”

Tracy:  “I heard ya’ll talking and laughing all night and morning long … You know it meant a lot to him that you stayed up with him like that, seeing him through. That was real.”

Young: “I couldn’t not do that. I didn’t want him to feel alone – not for one second.”

Tracy:  “Have you seen a lot of people you cared about leave to get executed since you’ve been on Death Row?”

Young: “Way too many Billy, way too many …”

This conversation occurred on April 26th 2018, the day after Erick Davila, or as we called him “Truman,”  was executed by the State of Texas … I had not stayed awake, the night before to listen to “90.1 KPFT” broadcast the “Execution Watch Show” and I didn’t know if Truman had lived or not.

When Young came to the dayroom, which is in front of my cell, for his two hours of recreation the next morning, just by looking at him I saw his pain and I knew Truman was gone. I asked anyway, hoping to be wrong. 

Young: “Whats goin’ on Billy?”

Tracy:  “Just writing. How long have you been in the dayroom?”

Young:  “About ten minutes.”

Tracy:  “I was zoned out writing and never heard you getting put in the dayroom, or I’d of come to my door and hollered at you.”

Young:  “I know it … man, Billy, I promised myself if I got an execution date that I wouldn’t count my days, but I woke up, today, knowing I had thirty days to live and I just felt that fucking needle in my arm and now I am gonna be counting the days…”

Tracy: “Yeah, you’re getting a little too close to your date for comfort. Those white folks almost have your black ass.”

Young: “Don’t I know it? When I close my eyes I can feel the straps around my arms and legs and see the steely eyes of the man who’s going to inject that fucking poison into me. I can feel that needle inside my arm and imagine my body shutting down and dying and just fading out.”

Tracy: “You are not usually so melodramatic Lunatic. You been sippin’ on some prison wine or what?”

Young: “It’s just becoming real now. Up to now it didn’t seem like it would ever come to this point.”

Tracy:  “Tell the truth Cuz …”

Young: “Don’t you start that “Cuz” shit again. Quit trying to make me laugh.”

Tracy: “As I was saying, Cuz, tell the truth. You are not really worried about dying, or about what may or may not come next so much as leaving your family and friends behind, and that it will be those damn white folks killing you.”

Young: “Yeah – getting got by Whitey does bother me, and making my family and friends hurt eats me more than them white folk’s poison ever could.

Tracy: “Nah – feeling guilty about causing your family and friends pain isn’t eating at you enough to kill you. Them white folk’s poison is gonna kill your black ass if it gets in you … Cuz.”

Young: “Man, Motherfucker, quit making me laugh! I am trying to feel sorry for myself right now.”

Tracy: “I know it Bro. But you feel better don’t you?”

Young:  “Hell, nah.”

Tracy: “Why you smiling then? A cracker, honkey mofo just got you laughin’.”

One day Young came to the dayroom at about 6:00 and we had the above conversation. As I mentioned, Young was a Blood gang member and Bloods refer to each other as "Family." The Blood’s main rivals are the Crips, who refer to themselves as cousin or “Cuz.” You don’t call a Blood “Cuz.” When I kept calling him “Cuz,” I was messing with him. No I am not a Crip. I am white and have never been in any gang. It’s just prison humor. It worked, a little, to bring him out of that melancholic mood. And all the “White Folk,” “Whitey” and “Black ass” lingo is just how we talk amongst each other when there is mutual respect and a genuine liking for each other, so don’t get offended. We are not politically correct in prison.

The next conversation was again when Young was in the dayroom and I was in my cell.

Young:  “Billy! My daughter got down for me in a major way! She made a video pleading for me not to be killed and saying how much she loves me and doesn’t want to lose me. That video is blowing up on the internet. I got a letter about it last night. I love my daughter and it feels good that she is fighting for me.”

Tracy: “That is badass. I am happy you have her fighting for you. That’s a special kid.”

Young: “Yeah. I hope I get to see her become a woman.”

Maybe a week later, Young is back in the Dayroom.

Tracy: “What’s happening, Lunatic? Why are you pacing back and forth looking at the floor?”

Young: “Man – I am just thinking about some real shit …”

Tracy: “It looks like something heavy is on top of your back. What’s on your mind?”

Young: “I told you about my victim's son, who’s my age, supporting me now and not wanting me to be executed and not wanting my daughter to live without her father like he did when his dad died … That he forgave me … That he wants me to live…?”

Tracy: “Yes, I remember.”

Young: “Well, it just crushed down on me how good of a man the man I killed had to be for him to have raised a son like that – for his son to have a heart like that … I just don’t feel too happy with myself right now.”

Tracy: “I have been there, I know how that is …”

The next conversation occurred right after Young came back from an all-day visit, from 8am to 5pm, on July 13th – Friday the 13th - 2018. He was talking to me through the ventilation ducts in our cells. His cell and mine share the same air vents so we can talk to each other through them by standing on top of our sinks and speaking into the vents.

Young: “Billy!”

Tracy: “Yo!”

Young: “They shot me down.”

Tracy: “You’re not talking about the Clemency Board, are you?”

Young: “Yeah – they denied me. All I’ve got left is a petition to the Supreme Court and a lawsuit against the Clemency Board for racial discrimination … them white folks are gonna get my black ass.”

Tracy: “I hate Texas. How did you find out?” 

Young: “My attorney sent an intern up here to tell me … they interrupted my visit with my family to tell me the news.”

Tracy: “What did you family say? How’d they take it?” 

Young: “Oh, my grandma said, “Fuck them white folks,” and that about summed it up for everybody.”

Tracy: “I don’t know what the hell to say to you Bro… how come you don’t seem upset?”

Young: “I don’t know except I’ve still got four days to live and I ain’t wasting it crying.”

Tracy: “I know you won’t.”

Young: “I just wanted to let you know what’s up. I’ll holler at you tomorrow."

On July 17th at about 7:30am, about thirty minutes before Young would be taken to his last visit, I called him in our shared vent and we said our goodbyes …

Rest in peace … Cuz.

Always, Billy

To read Part Two, click here

Billy Tracy 999607
Polunsky Unit
3872 FM 350 South
Livingston, TX 77351
Billy Joel Tracy was born in Janesville, Wisconsin in 1977 and almost immediately moved with his family to Texas.  He grew up in the Dallas/Fort Worth area – minus three years in Colorado in the mid-80s.

He enjoys reading about ancient European history, science, psychology, neurology, politics, fantasy, action adventure and mysteries.  He enjoys doing arts and crafts, exercising, writing, participating in activism and learning about other cultures.

He has been on Death Row in Texas since November 2017 at the Polunsky Unit.  And no, his parents were not Billy Joel fans.  He is thankful he wasn’t named after his parent’s favorite band, Pink Floyd. 


urban ranger said...

Interesting and informative. Thank you.

Unknown said...

Very insightful, thank you for writing for each person. I look forward to reading more from you in the future I hope.

BlueJeans2004 said...

Absolutely stellar writing. What kind of person doesn't respond with compassion to human suffering - we all bleed the same - how do we fix crime killing more human beings? Thank you for using your time and talents this way. You owe us nothing, but have given us so much to process about the way things are going down in the system. God bless.

BlueJeans2004 said...

Thank you for writing on behalf of these people. Humans all bleed the same. We fix nothing by repeating history and killing others. You don't owe any of us the time of day, but your talents and effort to inform us are beyond what any institution would share. Thank you - God bless.

Joe said...

Great post!

You write eloquently and may be the most interesting writer here since Thomas.

I genuinely look forward to hearing more from you and hope that I will.

Your take on Thomas was the most original and interesting I have ever heard. The observation that Thomas has a disproportionately large sized head for example. The way you described this was hilarious (you have a great sense of humor, just as Thomas does).

You have, I think, provided a much better idea of how Thomas appears to people who meet him than we have seen before.

Thomas' great sense of humor for example is evufeht to those of us who only know him from his postings.

I would have imagined him as being much more outgoing and immediately relatable in person from his posts than how you describe him.

Thank you so much for choosing to share your story with us.

FudgePacker said...

Excellent writing! I used to be pro DP until Karla Faye Tucker. I used to think "Fuck those criminals, they deserve worse than a needle." It's all wrong and it's all bad now. Sometimes we are Saints of Circumstance, how we got to where we are was pre-destined for us a long time ago; making a left turn when we should have made a right turn made all the difference in the next fork in our roads. No one came out of their mother's womb and told themselves that their aim or object in life was to cause harm and end up on death row. All of our slates were blank when we were born and they are erased when we die, what we write on those slates in between is on us and we sometimes cannot control what is written because sometimes it is written for us. Billy Tracy, you are a man worth knowing. You are a good person, a good heart and I would have really dug meeting you in this world. Carry on!

Unknown said...

Great Post Billy.
From here in the UK, I watch DP events closely in Texas and the US in general, and it was very interesting to see another viewpoint; one that is never portrayed in the media.
I hope this approach you are taking helps keep you sane while you are kept on that pod. While I get why the CO's want to punish you by putting you there, there's no justification for an organisation such as the TDCJ to take additional punitive measures as they have done in your case. Very unprofessional.
Unfortunately there seems no end to the conveyor belt of executions over there so will be looking out for your next instalment of the 'Texas Death Machine' fodder.

Unknown said...

A well written and fascinating piece. I had to re-read it. Kudos my brother.

FreeClintonLeeYoung said...

Great writing!!! I hope & pray that them murderers of texas don't get ya Billy!!! Love being sent from Michigan -Donna

Linda said...

Well done Billy, this is very well written and interesting. You've come up with a great idea. I'm looking forward to the next edition.

dd said...

I find it ironic that if there was no death penalty there would be no attention given to DR inmates. Everyone would just say 'well he's not being executed'. Would make it easier for corrupt law enforcement and corrupt prosecutors to get the win.
Like Part 2 from Tracy, this is interesting and certainly I see why a DR inmate may take this approach to writing about cohorts, but I don't feel any humanizing effect for many of these guys at all. Anthony Shore was a terrible person and needed to be put down. Just because he felt bad AFTER getting caught is not comforting and it certainly doesn't mitigate the evil that he was.
Battaglia was so consumed by hatred for his wife that he killed his kids while his wife was on the phone at another location then picked up the phone and told her 'Merry f****** Christmas' as she heard him kill the children. That's not mental illness from Agent Orange or anything like that.

Timothy’sChild said...

You don’t deserve anything, I’m surprised that you even painted yourself as a victim. I may not know your entire story, but you failed to explain what exactly you did. You MURDERED a innocent, kind, and genuinely good man. He had two children, and family that he loved. He did NOTHING wrong to you, he did nothing wrong to anyone for that matter. Yet you took the life he was trying to rebuild after he fell apart a few years prior.
I don’t care if the environment is horrible, you deserve it all.
I SAW you in court, you looked like you were enjoying yourself quite well. Like this was all some big vacation. And you know very well about the family he had, yet you never cared.
All those who are forced to care for you until your death, know you show NO remorse.
Timothy, was a great man, and I bet when you BEAT HIM UNTIL HIS SKULL WAS SHOWING, you seemed quite content with seeing a man being killed. I bet you enjoyed the look of panic and complete fear in his eyes. You also must have enjoyed throwing him down the stairs.
To think you even have the nerve to say it was accident when there were MULTIPLE witnesses and even camera evidence.
It’s not just Timothy that you’ve taken from, you also forgot to mention the repeated violence you’ve shown towards people.
I don’t care if they were good or bad, you still attacked them.
For you, I know that you just want to be the poor misunderstood person. But I know what you are, a monster.
Although for you and maybe others, the deepest part of Hell will open up to swallow you whole, once you get injected with the fatal shot of death. So don’t keep the Devil waiting for you, Billy.
Always, the child of Timothy Davison.

A Friend said...

The following comment is from Billy in response to Timothy'sChild:

Is there anything I can say that will get past your anger? Past your outrage for what I did?
Will my death bring you peace? Will my end quench your hostility?
Or even then will it live on?
Revenge. Revenge, not justice is what you seek. Revenge is a foul road to journey. I know, I traveled that road for many years. It ultimately led me down the path that ended with Davison’s death. With Davison’s family living without their loved one. With his two daughters living their lives without him.
All because I chose anger as my fuel and revenge as my right. Now I must live with what my choices wrought – live with my guilt. Yes, guilt. Guilt you declare I do not feel. Of all you wrote that was the only thing that hurt me.
Davison did not deserve what I did to him. That eats at me every single day. His family’s pain gnaws at me every quiet moment.
Sitting in court during my trial with Davison’s niece, Renda, staring hate at me made me want to crawl into a hole. Seeing her naked anger, rage and hate scorched me. Knowing I was the cause of it will never leave me.
One day at court my friend, Dawn, arrived in the courtroom. I noticed her come in and sit in the back directly behind Davison’s niece. I was looking directly over his niece’s head and smiled at my friend when Renda met my eyes. I saw her eyes widen, mouth open and a horrified look of shock cross her face as she thought I was smiling at her. Quickly realizing what was happening I dropped my eyes from my friends to hers and shook my head – hoping she understood I wasn't smiling at her. I then had my friend brought up front. It haunts me that she may think I would mock her grief.
I do take responsibility for what I did to Davison. I did intentionally attack him. That was no accident. I have never once stated anything different.
Davison stole five hundred dollars from me. Five hundred dollars in cash.
My stupid need for revenge, my “righteous” anger dictated I must respond to this. I chose to retaliate. My intention was just to give him a $500 ass kicking. I never intended to lose control and kill Davison.
The bottom line is simple – I chose to retaliate and that was something I could control. There is no side stepping my responsibility here.
I am not attempting to.
That is why my guilt is so unrelenting. My life for over 20 years had revolved around never allowing anyone to abuse me, in any way, without me doing something about it. I was PROUD of being that way. I was proud of my anger. Of seeking revenge.
Since Davison’s death it has exposed the hollowness of my self righteousness. Being responsible for killing someone I did not want to kill has made me see the pure folly of my whole way of thinking. Understanding this only magnifies my guilt.
My folly is why I am responding to your comment. Let your anger with me go. Let your desire for vengence recede.
I wish you peace.


Ryzzia said...

My question is where did he get the money? I had thought that real money in a Texas Prison was contraband and inmates were only allowed to have money on their books. So he is lying. My guess is that ol' billy decided to finally kill an officer and got way over his head.

~C said...

In response to the "Ryzzia" comments, the circumstances of the money is in Billy's trial transcript and the rest of what "Ryzzia" has to say can be ignored as unworthy of notice.

Ryzzia said...

@ "C",


I found this from the Disciplinary Rules and Procedures Handbook DOC Texas uses.

10.2 Possession of a certain amount of contraband (a)Money ($20 or more); or (b) Tobacco (20 cigarettes or 0.6 ounces or more).

f. Anything an offender is not supposed to have, including, but not limited to: (1) Money; (2) Items used for gambling, such as dice and playing cards; (3) Books, magazines, or newspapers that are not approved for an offender to have; (4) Clothes that are not approved for an offender to have; and (5) Handcuffs or other items used for restraining offenders, including keys.

15.0 Trafficking and trading The unauthorized buying, selling, exchange, or transfer of any commodity from any individual, other than making authorized purchases from the commissary (evidence may include an excessive inventory of marketable items). This includes the unauthorized transfer of money from one offender to another, whether the transfer is direct or indirect.

So I would still state that having money would be against the law and illegal for ol' billy to have and that he got in way over his head with the death of Officer Davison.

Needless to say, It is a great pity that Billy has discovered he is a pretty decent writer at this stage in his life.