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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Poetry by Daniel Gebhardt

Who's Who
By Daniel Gebhardt

You two are my world,
I can't be there right now.
You know I will never stop,
trying to be your father.

I will prove to you I am,
worth the wait.
I am growing up, not only
mentally, but physically.

I train my brain, with college
I train my muscles with weights,
I watch my mind grow,
I watch you two grow, taller
smarter,and better every
picture I receive.

When I was home, I wasn't
now when I come home , its not
about me, but 100% about you.

What can I do for you?
Can I teach you, now I can reach out,
and feel the warmth of your love.
You never gave up hope, you guys never really koped.

I should have never left, I should have
never kept my heart only to myself.
I didn't know how to love,
I didn't know how to teach.
I didn't know how to reach you.

I am smarter now, I am more power now.
I will be a father, I will be a teacher,
I will be better, I will care about 100% of,
what you do.
I will support you, I will carry you.

You can trust me, you can believe in me,
now I have changed for the better,
I will show you, better than I can say,
just pay attention, I will be there everyday.

This came from my heart for my boys.


Stars Can Bind You
By Daniel Gebhardt

Did you shine brighter,
when I was younger?
Did you leave star dust on me?
I know the brightness has faded,
slowly but surely.

Why did you stop, shining so bright?
Was it a collision? Was it because the,
son, shone brighter? Or did the clouds find you?

I can't believe God made you dull,
nothing will ever take your warm glow.
But it has been dimmed, maybe its all,
the pain, and anguish, I have caused.

Maybe its not about me at all, maybe its
you. Maybe its a collection of all space dust. I know you shine bright still, just not when the son shines brighter.
He takes your glow, and shine
Does the sun revolve around the star?
or is it the other way around.

Mother earth needs , you to light the night, while the son brightens the day
and warms your heart, during the day.
When it time to go to sleep, its your time to shine, I can't do it all. Play your roll,
before a Super-Nova happens. Or a black hole swallows you whole.

Time Doesn't Fix
By Daniel Gebhardt

How can you love someone, you never met. How should I feel? Knowing you were never there, when I woke in painful sweats at night terrified that I'm dying, where were you?

Nowhere, nothing I am used to associating these words with you,
When I needed you , and you weren't there don't worry , I was never scared.
I learned to grow up from a very young age. I didn't have the time to miss you, I never knew your presence.

You let others dictate how you treated me, you say it was for the best. You couldn't take care of yourself, let alone a baby, who had a spirit that was greater than anything you had ever been in the presence of.

You could feel the spirit with me, you knew I was powerful from the start, to smart, funny, and handsome from the start. You never tried to find me, or even send me a birthday wish.

I'm nothing like you and will never will be, I will never give up my time, because it is all we have in this world. I can't love someone I have never met. My heart can't feel the time you weren't there.

Associated
By Daniel Gebhardt

Who are you? to tell me anything?
Why is it when I need you,
your never anywhere to be found?
Can I count on you for moral support?
How about help with my emotions?
Have you ever really been there?

Why do I think you just like the sound,
of having a child?
Do you really know what it means to
have a child, that you care about?
Or do you just like saying you have
a troubled child? In prison?
That you support.

Why is it taking so long?
for me to understand that your
not here for me? Why do I continue,
to think your going to change?
You don't care about me,
Simple and plain.

One day you'll understand,
when your old and alone,
wondering what happened to your child?
Why is he so far gone?
Then you'll understand my,
Association.

Play Gangster
By Daniel Gebhardt

Do you just play the role?
Or are you a true ganster?
A true ganster doesn't need
to say they are.

Act the Part
play the part,
walk the part,
talk the part.

But when it comes down to it,
are you ready to live that life?
are you ready to pull the trigger,
on the yard, full of lions
only sheep can't be by themselves.

Lions roar
sheep follow lines,
we create our own way.
Follow no one.
Learn to not play gangster.

Asleep
By Daniel Gebhardt

Am I awake?
Or am I just dreaming this nightmare?
I never thought My life,
would come to this.
Fast lane got me this.

Isn't this punishment enough?
To watch your son, struggle so hard
to watch you son have a drug problem,
to watch your son struggle to breath,
is this what you wanted.
When you wished I would change,
but I didn't and had to learn the hard way.

My pain and struggle is ,
the next mans glory
Men and women have a secured job, because of people like me.
If we weren't built the way we are,
we wouldn't be here, would we?
Would you be here?
no.

We have to be smarter than you.
We all have roles to play.
But do I have to be part of it?
I can make my self numb to it,
draw off the pipe of life,
just to get the high of life.
It brought me here, nothing more
nothing less.
I will not settle here, there's a reason why I don't belong.


I can be woke, but I never liked to be asleep. Can you wake me please?

No Love
By Daniel Gebhardt

To be left behind as a young child, and overcoming this as I get older, I sit back and try to remember if my mother even wanted me from the beginning? If you didn't contact me through all the years when all you had to do was look me up It makes me understand why I am the way I am now, but it doesn't explain how the traits that you showed, hatred, Selfishness, love for no one but yourself, and giving in and giving up. Maybe it rubbed off on my for a brief period of time but now that I have been stuck in a box for a period of time I have given up the self and understand I have to be there for my kids. You were never there for me, my own biological mother. Its alright because how can I love someone I didn't even know?? I can't and I won't. Don't let me push away the people that love me or I'll be just like you. 

Not Enough Time
By Daniel Gebhardt

I just met you, You've taught me so much. Even though I seem like I know everything I truly don't, your one of the realist human being I have ever met. There's a reason why the creator put me and you together, we have the same exact mentality, but we are so different. Your like the dad that I never had that taught me how to be a man and stand up for myself. My appreciation for you will never end, you will always be in my mind. You know when boys come to prison they say that they got "to much time" but the truth is my time is to short because nothing will ever replace you my brother. You are the brother I never had. I don't say this to anyone other than the people that mean the world to me. Thank you, and You'll always have my trust, I know we will run in to each other again in this world or the spirit world. I hope for the sooner and not the latter. You have my respect brother. Fishing is just like life, you throw your line in and you never know what you'll get. Stay true. I am really saying that to myself. 

Judges Split Us Apart
By Daniel Gebhardt

I know I have been away along time, but you should know I'll never forget you, nor will I ever stop protecting you and love for you will last forever and ever. No one ever will take my heart from you, I had so much hate for my self so I couldn't "See" you when you lived right behind me. I should have put my pride away and gave you the time and effort that you deserve. I took the easy way out and broke the rules, I should have just done the right thing, but as they say hindsight is 20/20 right. It's real easy to say now. My heart broke that day in Ramsey county when you told me we were done, it was the hardest heartbreak I have ever dealt with. That's the day when I swore off love, and closeness to anyone, its the reason why my heart is so cold. I can't and I don't blame you anymore, it was my fault and I am man enough to say it. It took me a long time but here it is in black and white. Like I told you before, I will never stop trying to win you back. I know I should have chosen you from the beginning , you were are the realest, best woman who ever blessed me with you presence. Thank you for spending so much time trying to be with me. It took me a while to evolve but I did and now you can "see" the real man I am. 

Death Doesn't Knock
By Daniel Gebhardt

When death calls do we answer? Or do we procrastinate and avoid the ringing until he reaches his bony hand through the receiver and pull our dull souls through to the other end. What is the other end? is it dark and gloomy because of the negative we have filled others lives with? or is it shiny and stunning like a star in the dark night sky? Can you feel the life burning in your eyes desperately waiting for you to do the right thing for once in your life. Arnt you tired of making excuses on why you weren't there for you kin, for your kids for your family. Its time to look past the past and look forward towards the here and now and understand you weren't put here because of everybody else, but because of the choices that you decided to make. Nobody made you think you could get away with it. It wasn't the devil, and it sure wasn't the creator, he made a plan for you, but you decided you wanted to do things the hard way, and continue to flirt with death. Now you seem to have a grasp on what you need to do, maybe stop acting like the whole world owes you something, and get off of your high horse and focus on what needs to be accomplished in order for you to make your family, children, and most of all your self proud. Don't ever think you can just float through this life, because you can't you will adhere to the laws of this universe. If you want it , you have to try harder. 

If I Knew for Sure 
By Daniel Gebhardt


Just because I am in the position I am in and I am where I am at, doesn't mean I can't have feelings for you. There are sparks there and you can't tell me there aren't. Just because I am here doesn't mean that I don't have needs, and emotions too. All you have to do is show me that you care more than the rest of these fakes and we could become close like a heart and a beat. I know we came from way different ways of life and maybe we won't be together for long but the time I do get to bless you with my presense you should take for granted. If and when we do get the chance to spend more than just a moment together, share you feelings, your emotions, you deepest dreams, and goals with me. If you only knew you can trust me with everything that you've ever been through, you would open your eyes and understand that I am not human but a piece of a god. I am made half of love and the other half passion, when you add them both together you get the realest man that you'll ever meet. I am full of some of the greatest insights you've never heard, we may be from different generations but when has time ever mattered other than where I am at? Shouldn't I be the one who cares about the amount of time I have. I bought a watch just so I could make time for you. When you listen to your heart, it always gives you sound advice. 


A Pain Killer
By Daniel Gebhardt


Do you always want to be disappointing to yourself? Or will you take more calculated risks, instead of chances? When your about to fail , why do you panic. You know you've never really cared about what others think or how they truly feel about how you decide to solve problems. So when is it time to let everybody see that your a genius and no one will ever be like you? You really need to understand that not everyone is alike, especially you. You shine like a freshly pair of waxed shoes in the spotlight of a front stage production of bright lights on Broadway. Your important and others opinions don't matter about anything you have going on. If you just open your mind and prove to people your worth investing in and spending extra effort and time on. You have more self worth than anyone can fathom, you smile and brighten up the room. Let you mind and heart speak for you, you have the answers to every question you have ever had. If you just take a minute and breath deep and inhale success that is handed to you on a golden platter you'll see that your worth every million you'll receive in you life. You will make something of yourself no one can or will ever break who you are, your determination is what keeps you going everyday. Everything you do matters, even if it is so small no one will notice it. Because believe it or not people watch you and look up to you and your life is based on a true story. Will you make this a drama, a fairy - tail, or a horror story? I know you have it in you to become a great human being, give yourself more credit because your worth it. This is for you, when you doubt your existence just put this on your coffee cup, mirror, on a piece of paper in your pocket and recite over until you realize that this is for you. Never stop learning, then pass it along. Create dreams, create joy, create the best you. 




Seeds That Plant Themselves
By Daniel Gebhardt

Sometimes we wonder what are we even trying this hard for? What is the point in this day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute grind that feels us feeling run down full of negative thoughts and emotions. Is there a point to this miniscule point of existence? When we think we have done right and helped others out of the good of our hearts does that ever get repaid to us? do we see the seeds we plant come to fruition or will we continue to struggle with our lives that we try so hard to contribute but when we do one good thing we turn around and then we see our good go for negative. I can lead you to knowledge, but I can't make you think. "If you fit into this world then maybe its where you truly belong", the good news is I don't fit in and I never will and I will never conform. I am speaking to you, all of you reading this know who you are, your just like me and will change this shameless, thoughtless, universe. Positive will never yield negative results. 

Every Life Matters
By Daniel Gebhardt

To move forward, I had to walk backward for an eternity to understand that we live this life in reverse. We continue to think that we are getting older when the truth is we are only getting younger everyday. Time only exists when you let it. Age is only something that we use to measure time it should never be taken into consideration when we address ourselves as humanbeings. We are forever, we can live forever but so many of our minds let our bodies think that it is getting older when the truth is your mind can beat any "problems" that your body seems to develope. If our minds can begin to understand what we see on a day to day basis and continue to do new things and learn then why can't we teach it to live forever? You can manifest anything that you want it may seem lime non sense but begin to believe that your a creator and your dreams will manifest before your eyes. I want to have everything in life, but also want that for you too. Share this information let everyone win, greed kills and destroys, Everyone deserves to win and live. 

Connections NOT Corrections
By Daniel Gebhardt


When you break the law your sent to a box with others who are just as smart if not smarter than you. When you first arrive you think you won't be able to make it. And then you realize that this is a lot easier than you think it will be. Once you begin to get comfortable and understand that these inmates are people too and not just numbers , you begin to gain knowldge that can help you grow in a positive way or in a negative way. Which one will you choose? You have broken the law your whole life and maybe its all you know, or maybe you did it because you had to just to live in this evil world. Or maybe its because you just like to do it. When the judge slams the gavel and sentences you to your personal box where you will spend a majority of you life , away from all outside family, friends and fun. Are you going to get more "connections" so you won't be caught next time? You are not going to be "corrected" so why don't we change the name to "Connections Facility"? It would make more sense. We are breeding smarter criminals not productive citizens. And most of it is to blame on the lack of knowledge the lawyers,judges and correctional pretenders have. Maybe they are glorified babysitters?? You decide where we will go. 


My King's World
By Daniel Gebhardt

I never got the subtitle signs that you sent me my way. I never saw the signs that you sent to me. Maybe I just never cared or never thought I was good enough maybe I was so concerned with only just myself that I never really cared what you thought or felt. maybe in my own mind I thought that I was too good for you and that you would never measure up to what I can be. It was always about me and never about anyone or anything else, that is why I never cared about what you thought or felt, it was always about me and how I could full fill my ego and would with things that fit me. I always said that I wasn't conceited but the ugly truth is I am. I am not going to say to anyone that I am trying to change from being the asshole that I am because I never will it is excatally what makes me who I am. The creator made me this way nothing can or will change me. A wise man once said to me I have not hit rock bottom yet and when I do I will change for good, but I know better than anyone I don't have that, and that is not something that I fear. Even death is not my rock bottom it is just the tipping point until I reach my throne. 

Out Do Me, Out Live Me
By Daniel Gebhardt

I want you to have every great experience that I had when I was a young man, you both are my heart and soul and nothing or anything will ever change the feelings I have for the both of you. I may have not always been the best example for you guys, I showed a lot to the both of you that was the evil non sense part of my life. That is something I can never take back but I am glad in some ways that you got to see the way not to be. I want both of you to know that I tried I am not going to say that it was my best effort because the truth is it was not.My mind was there most of the time and I would never let anything happen to either of you at them points in time, I did not do my best but I do promise this from this day forth you both will only get the father, man, that wants change for the better for both of you. I am not going to fill your minds or hearts full of sorrys because we all know at this point in time that words don't mean nothing without action to back it up. Please don't give up on me , I will never give up on you no matter the circumstances. I will forever be here , there, and everywhere you require me. 

Busy People Thoughts
By Daniel Gebhardt

I use to care what people thought was I wrong that I don't seem to care anymore? is it the arrogance or the fact that I have come so close to the spirit world and now I see this life for what it really is? You may ask what can I possible mean? When I say these things? I am not going to tell you that when. I came close to death that I seen a bright white light, or a man with a white beard telling me I am living my life wrong and there is something so pressing that I need to take care of because that would be a complete lie. The simple fact is now I see the good in people and in the universe if I see negative in anything I wouldn't be myself I have run into a few negative energy's here lately but non of them seem to effect me for to long , I just continue to move forward and be thankful for what I have, and will have in the near future. I will succeed and be who I am no matter what anyone says or thinks, so does it really matter what anyone else thinks?


Drift Away
By Daniel Gebhardt

Up the river, or down the river, without a paddle, no guide, in a boat with 7 holes all around. Circling the drain, almost ready to let it all go down. When will the sun shine again? Will it ever show its happy hot face again in my world? Or will this night seem to go on forever? To have the materials to build a paddle, but no instructions on how its put together. I know I am not the first to be up this creek with no help, and I'm certainly not going to be the last, but at this moment in time it is as black as night, with no moon out to light my way. Thank the creator, he made my "Light" shine so bright that I am. I don't have to solve others problems, I only have to get my raft to shore, then exit. No point in trying to patch the holes in my craft, no need to just temporarily fix the issues, where would that get me? but no where. I have to get ashore so professionals who work with these issues can fully fix them, find the underlying reason why these holes even showed up in the first place. With the time spent on this craft , I have come to the understanding that it is possible to leave the raft and swim, I can make it myself to the shore, I am a very strong swimmer, and it can be done. Why keep a boat with holes in it, abandon it, and leave your so called "troubles" behind, don't "patch" your issues, find the reason why their there, then you can really move on with your life, I am thankful for this understanding. I am thankful I had a boat in the first place, Thankfulness with what you have will be the deciding factor whether you sink or swim.


Plan Accordingly
By Daniel Gebhardt

As I run, passing all the negative thoughts, running through them like a thick black cloud of exhaust, I understand that non of these thoughts from others really matter. Non of the negative thoughts seem to stick to me, they all seem to pass by like nats in a baseball outfield. They seem to be surrounding me but other to slightly bother me and not really land or bite me, sure they may seem as thick as a wool blanket covering me, but it doesn't seem that heavy, and to know all along that I can just spray bug be gone, and all of them will vanish away, dying like grass in the winter time, first turning brown and brittle then laying down and dying out. Are all of these negitive thoughts really from others, or is it just my self-conscious, reflecting off of others like a mirror? Am I just as transparent as the rest of these lost souls here? Or am I a stained glass with a beautiful picture behind it? I know that I try to not be look though, but when I learn to stop wearing my heart and soul on my sleeve, then I will become just like the rest of these dark, souls, lost in the shadows of a dark dismal night. I can be the saving light that changes this existence, I just have to let my soul shine and everyone around me will catch the embers off of me and spark with ignition, and burn as bright as a Lighthouse in the middle of the dark sea. "Plan Accordingly," and you will catch my Light.


Sacrifice
By Daniel Gebhardt

It is so possible for someone else to do so much for you, and you never know it until you sit down and actually Think and understand how much has been done for you in your life. It is so easy to take this life for granted but it is so much harder for us as humans to sit and think of all the people who have went way out of their way to make sure we had everything we needed. I myself had never thought of the effort people have put into just taking care of me. To think of all the effort people, have extended on others behalf, is quite humbling, but yet hard to understand. We should be thankful for all that everyone does on our behalf. Just stop and think of all we take for granted, when we flip on the light switch and the lights come on, how many people do you think it took for that easy motion that you did? Stop and think of how many people it took for this world to seem so easy to us, it is quite a shame how much I take for granted, but am learning to be much more thankful to everybody. Its time we took the time to move slower and not so fast, and we can appreciate how much we do for each other, Because in the long run we need others, just as much as they need us. 


Listen to the Right Shoulder
By Daniel Gebhardt


Is it possible to get the truth out of our souls? Do we need to tell the truth to others? Or can we just get along with telling little fibs? so we can just skate by? Is it really in our body's to know the difference between truth and lies? We have had plenty of time and practice to make up stories our whole lives, we have had more than enough practice through out our years on this planet. We may think we are doing something new, but the truth is non of this is new at all, It may seem like we are seeing these new things for the first time, but its not the truth at all. We shield our eyes from the truth because it is so much easier and a whole lot less painful. The truth hurts so its a lot easier to just turn our cheek to the other side and listen to the fast talking slick devil filled enity that we know is feeding us a line of non sense. We like what the devil teaches us because he is always there on our shoulder feeding our ego, with diamonds, and platinum dreams, they shine like a pitch black night, with only one shinning star that lights the whole night. Even though we have a angel on the other side telling us the truth, we still don't want to accept it because it is so hard to come to grips with. The Truth is right in front of us, Do we really want it? Or do we just want to keep taking the fast, easy way out of things? Its time to decide...


Volkswagen's & Bonfires
By Daniel Gebhardt

I should have taken better care of you. I should have been there for you, I should have never lied to you. I should have stayed home when I said I was out working earning money. I use to be full of shit. I still am in most ways, but to be completely honest for not only my sake but your and "ours" I feel like I missed out. Like you were the one that got away. You were there for so much, you were there through the thick and thin, you were my one. But once again I let my ego cover what you had for me. When you looked in my eyes you were for real, It took me this long to figure that out. It took me this long to stare at a picture of you to understand that I miss you and I should have put my pride to the side and contacted you when , you were having a tough time. I should have fought harder for you. I should have.. But I was to enthralled in my own so called "important" problems because that is all that they were, nothing but bullshit. I thought the more hatred I held towards you, the more I could hide my feelings that I have for you. I want you to know now that when We parted ways I really didn't hate you per say, but I hated myself more. I want you to know that no matter how far we are away or how many miles or mountains, or oceans, I have to cross, I will always be there for you, Nothing or nobody will or ever can come close to you or the Love I have for you. I want you to know that I should have chosen you first. I am a different man now, I understand what you mean. I hope your happy, that's from my heart, I want you to know I will always be here if you need me, if there comes any point in time where you need me for "Anything" I will be there, no matter the cost. You know who you are, I will always love you and I will always fight for you all you have to do is tell me when and I'll be there. I know you remember when you said to me, You really liked me when I first woke up , because It was the "Real Me" you know why you said that, and so do I. I want to thank you for everything. I will always be here if you need me, because the honest truth is I will always need you...

Cheat Codes to Life
By Daniel Gebhardt

What does the world hold for the future? For me? for you? for us? It breaks my heart to the core knowing that me and you have grown so far apart. I ask and beg you to prove to me that I mean more than just a few pennies here and there. You say how hard you try, and how hard your life is, you say how your not able to do the things you've done when you were "younger" but both me and you know the truth to that. Its not that you can't its that you won't. I know personally you've given up, you've throwen in the towel and said your not going to try as hard anymore, because you say what it the point? I know you don't have the drive or ambition that I have. I have to evolve and move toward the future, or more like the now. because the truth is we can predict the future we can only live in the here and now and play our cards now for the long run. I know what my future holds, its holds fame, and more pennies than you'll ever seen in your entire life. I am going to succeed it took this moment for me to understand that I needed this time out to focus on myself and get away from evil, all I have surrounded myself with the past 30 years was evil. The devil was a lot closer than I thought. Maybe it was me all along, maybe we do keep our enemies really closer than our friends. I sheltered myself more because I thought it would be the best option. The truth is it was not a good decision at all. Its ok though because mark my words you'll see how easy this world is, and how easy it is to have everything you want. I have the cheat codes to this life, I am going to write the Navigating Human and Earth manifesto just to prove to you what trying your hardest really looks like. One day you'll look back and see when you've should have cherished the time you were blessed to spend with me. Until then keep moving backward.


Questions For Self 
By Daniel Gebhardt

To try to make people understand how easy this life is, is not always the easiest thing to do. I try to hard, it does not have to be this difficult, I need to stop pretending that I know everything, because the truth is that I am no where near where I think I am. Sometimes when I sit back and thank what ever it is in the universe for whatever it is that I got. I think at this point in my life I need to accumulate things, or items when the truth is I use it to make up for my loss of self. When I entered into this situation I lost self. I have been told not to lose self, in my dreams by my self conscious. It is very hard to not become the prisoner people want to see, can I still have a heart, and be kind, can I know that not everybody is out to get me? Can I get out and know that people are still good. I am surrounded daily with men who don't care about my well being or who I want to become. I want to be a better man, I want to be honest, loving, caring, and a great human, but I have lost some self being here. Is there anyone who feels the way I do, whether it be in real life or a place we have been put? We can rise and do better. 


French Fry 
By Daniel Gebhardt

The feeling I got when me and you were together, the open air, the open heart that I had, I felt the rush of needing you of wanting you, I always thought me and you were going to be forever. Nothing could have come between me and you, I would have protected you no matter what. I thought you loved me, I thought you would do anything for me. You did and still I took it for granted, I looked else where for something I had right in front of me. It is so easy for me to see the true love you had for me now, my mind wasn't built then like it is now. I should have cherished you, I should have done the little things better. You didn't care about the money, the material things, you just wanted my time, but I didn't understand that. I couldn't give anyone my time back then, I couldn't have even given myself the time because I was to busy being consumed with self. I was looking all around for something that I had right in front of me all along. It is sad to look back now and realize what I lost. I guess you lose what you dont cherish, and I didn't cherish you or myself so I left both at a point in time. I know one thing is for sure if you were to see me now you wouldn't be able to take your eyes off of me, I glow like grandmother moon in the deepest darkest part of the night, you can feel the passion and love that pours out of my soul. I did change and become less self absorbed, I am now able to give love because I have learned to love myself and forgive myself for the wrong I have done in the past. We can no longer live in the past, We can't live in the future, we can only live for the moment, because this can be taken any second. I cherish the moments that I had the joy of being around you. Nobody can ever replace the love and respect I have for you, I do not regret any single moment I got to be around you, thank you for giving me your time, I ask for your forgiveness, you have mine..


Clarity comes Early
By Daniel Gebhardt

To become the love I want to become I have to rebuild the bridges that I tore or burned down, I let my pride and ego get the best of me and destroy every little good thing that I had in my life. It has been a challenge being me, nothing seemed to come without a heavy price whether it be losing something I loved or losing my sense of peace or freedom. I know now that I took the simple things for granted and keep moving to fast when I should have slowed down and felt the love I had around me. I know if I would have took the time to understand what was all around me this would have ended up a lot different. But sometimes I have to see that this life could not get any better, the moments of pain and anguish I have had , have built the character and honor and respect I have for life and every moment of time I have right now. No person, place, or thing can teach me what I have been able to learn. I have nothing but time to meditate and focus on what I need to do now. I need to show my love I have for this world, for myself and all those around me. I have to be proud of who I am, I am strong, sensitive, caring, loving, motivated, powerful, honest, peaceful, and a life lesson all wrapped up in a beautiful package. Just watch and learn on how a man that was on the path to self destruction, is now saved and on the way to salvation, and eternity of peace, I am....


Drive Ahead
By Daniel Gebhardt


I feel the electricity running through, it never stops or gives me a second to breath, It slowly counts down the days, hours, minutes, and seconds utill I give in a grab a hold of it, I have to hang on for dear life because it will knock me around with ease. It will grab a hold of me an pretend that it can beat me, but all in the mean time with my ego I smile and laugh just a little bit each time it thinks it can hold me in one place. I let it think for one brief second that it has the upper hand and it is in control , it thinks its the one in the driver seat steering, but knowing my self and what I truly can do. If I should decide at any point in time that I am not in control, that is when the wolf comes to the surface and shows his dark as night eyes and long sharpe k'9's that can slice through pure steel, All the while I never stopped growling and then the power knows that this is not the time nor place to try its luck, because it is the day that it understands that it is going to take a huge loss, and will never recover from it. As soon as the teeth break the surface it can feel the energy and raw power that comes through , it is so intoxatating and down right beautiful how the power is transfered from what ever enegry source I want. Once you start trusting your true potential and power and believe in your self 24/7 there is nothing in this world or beyond that can come close to stopping what I am going to become, and have already started to become. This is a moment in time reading this that you can stop and say "I am truly hungry, I want to be fed the electricity that comes from power and respect. I have to drive ahead and never look in my rearview because I have to let go of the past to fully grasp the greatness that is in from of me. I have to have all four paws on the ground to drive ahead, always moving and progressing never standing still anymore, greatness will come but I have to keep pushing forward. 


The Key And The Door
By Daniel Gebhardt


When I stop to think of where I am, its like a sharp nail to my heart. To know that I have created this world for myself and I have burned so many bridges, and hurt so many people along my path. I ask for forgiveness all day long and thank the great spirit that I can still hold my head high and work harder than , I ever have before. This existence is nothing short of a dream of mine, am I really in heaven dreaming because my ego though I could do better on my own? Did the great spirit give me a chance to see if I could do this on my own? Maybe everyone is just a projection of my own ego. As I begin to wake up and see life for what it is, it gets simplified and I can manifest great into my world. I know that I am in full control of what is going on. If You're thankful for everything you do or have, the universe will multiply it more than you could ever want. The master key to understanding this life and getting everything you ever wanted is just to be thankful for everything. If its really cold outside and as soon as you go out your miserable, just be thankful that you have legs to walk, be thankful that you have eyes to see, be thankful you have skin to feel, be thankful that your free and the world is at your fingertips, as soon as you wake in the morning thank God , for everything you do and have, but "Feel it" in your heart, because just saying thank you won't do it, you have to feel it deep inside you heart. Your life can be the best. I am handing you the key and showing you the door. Be thankful. it is the key to forever. I know some men and women who are in this cage for the rest of their lives, and their more "free" than a lot of people who are on the outside, you know why? Because their "Thankful" it may sound hard but this life is way easier than we make it. I share this wisdom. All you have to do is try, Take the key and unlock the door. What's the worst that can happen? I am thankful you're reading this. 


Saving Grace
By Daniel Gebhardt

I know how to be a gentleman's gentleman There's a lot I have Learned over the decades of me being on this earth. I have been here since the begining and will be here to the end. I can take you places you've never been, I don't know about me but I know about you. Swag is what they call it, I just call it REALNESS. It is who I am and nothing will ever change the confidence that I have. I am here to answer your questions about this universe and how everything works. I will open your doors, listen to you deepest thoughts, respect you, protect you when you don't feel safe, honor love and cherish you. I will be honest with you at all points in life. There will never be a point in time where you hear anything but love come from my heart to my mind and then out of my mouth. I am the realist man you'll ever meet, if you want a friend and lover to care for you on all levels of you I will be that gentleman. I know there is pain and loss in you life, I know you've been hurt in the past relationships and we all have our worry that it will happen again, but I can assure you 100% that I am different than anyone you'll ever have the chance to know. When I feel a connection with someone and know that I can make it work, I will take my time to understand how your mind works, I will ask questions and listen to you, find out your likes and favorite things. I will romantically wow you throughout our days together. I will do things you like with no problem, most people say life is to short, but its not if you find the one you love and cherish every lasting moment with that person. I stay in the moment and enjoy everything. We can do anything you heart desires together, and if you can't think of anything, I am full of exicitig new adventures even if its sitting on the beach in the sand watching the sun set on waves crashing at our feet, because its moments like this that I will never forget, Are you out there? I hope and pray and know you are, God will send you to me. I love more, cherish you and will do anything and everything to make your life positive and teach you how to wake up. I will call your name and save you. I will free you......


Wisdom From Within
By Daniel Gebhardt

When I wake in the morning I know that the day is a new and tomorrow, doesn't matter and yesterday has nothing to do with now. As I take my first breath of the morning I give thanks for being able to love everyone around me, love mother earth, love my life. It may sound weird of me telling you that I love life. Who in their right mind would love their life in prison? When you become one with the great sprit, you can understand how to be free, I may be in prison but I am Free. Nothing can stop my love, nobody or anything can take the peace I have obtained. I have worked very hard to get to this point where I float through time and space without being "in the way". It is an honor to be without worries, I know I have been chosen for better, when you think positive everyday and every moment you send these signals out into the universe and it gives you back what you display. You will get negative if you send it out into the universe. I have to believe and act like I have everything I have ever wanted and the universe " will provide" my deepest thoughts and needs and most of all wants. I am free inside this cage, when I look out I don't see fences anymore I see mother earth. I see change for the greater of humankind. I see lasting change where everyone helps their brothers and sisters. I see no strife, I see no negative. I smell forgiveness, I taste freedom, I know there are so many who just want peace in prison, it is very easy to get and hold on to. Put away your differences, because one day you will need each other. Never let any humanbeing suffer in hunger,thirst,or material items. Help and Love your brothers, get our minds in sync and the universal mind will change, all war will stop, all hunger, all sadness, all negative traits and actions will stop. Always give to others and expect nothing back. We must come together now, for now is the time to show our love. Everyone has it , don't be a coward, Love your brothers and sisters before it gets any worse. I can show you what a savior is. The process has begun. Love is the most powerful thought, What you thinks comes to you always. You can't "act" forever.


Today
By Daniel Gebhardt

I feel numb , there are no other ways to explain it to anyone. To be denied a lot in the past 4 years of my life in this corrupt system, makes me feel like the word correction holds no merit, they don't want us to be corrected or "fixed" as they say, they want us to stay broken and afraid of our own shadow. They don't want to see us succeed they want to see us fail and lose our minds and our cool so we act with only anger and rage which makes us hurt,steal,destroy so we come right back and they get money for us being here. No matter what we say , how we try to change ourselves we are always judged on who we use to be, and not who we are trying to become. They watch are every move analyze every little step we take, and if they suspect us to doing the least little bit wrong they will "cook" us, untill we can no longer think for ourselves they want us to be afraid to live. They want us to fail so we stay in the system. The prison system is just like a corrupt phone company they make you sign an agreement stating if you break the rules there is no way out of the contract, you will forever be "with us" until the day you die. Nobody knows the pain and suffering we have to endure being a part of this, we are treated and manipulated into thinking that the little programs they offer will help us. It doesn't mean nothing in the long run, because in the publics eye will will still be animals who are in a cage, and will never change, because the word correction means nothing to these people. We are not savages, we are human beings with real emotions, that don't want to be here and know that with the "right" help can and will change. We cry out for help, but everyone turns a deaf ear.

Destiny
By Daniel Gebhardt

It always used to be someone else's fault
It was never me, it was always your fault
I’ve never did anything wrong, I’m always right
You’re the one to blame, you created me, a monster
You decided my fate, you molded me into this
I never took control, I let so called fate decide who I am
You made all my choices, I just went along for the ride.
I was trusting, that you always had my best interest
When I used to look in the mirror, I didn’t see anyone
I exposed all my cards to you, I showed you nothing
I faked who I was, I was never him, I didn’t know
I figured I could shake through, pretending to be human
Do I have feelings? Do I actually care? Do I think at all?
I think I have a heart, at least the blood pressure machine says so
I tried to stop caring, but I can’t, I can focus now, I will win
I now see I have to get it myself, there is no such thing as luck
I create my own destiny, I can’t just let the world spin
I have to take action aways, I don’t always have to be in control
I am not programmed like every other human, I can shape my life
I can win, I can take responsibility for my own movie
I am solid, I am flexible, I am trust, I am still, I am lucky
Everything I do, I will succeed, no one will step in my way
I can get through anything and everything, you will not beat me
Now I look in the mirror and I see me, who am I? Who are you?
The only one who stands the least bit of chance of beating me is
Staring at me in the other side of the mirror, but all I have to do is stop looking.


New
By Daniel Gebhardt

Today is a new day, finally some extra freedom for my body and mind. I was free before mentally but now I have a new outlook on who I can be. I m not only free from the restraints of a level that controls your every move. They dictate what you do and when you do it. I could always have been free, but I choose the path of destruction for not only myself but all of my loved ones. The ones you hurt the most are the ones who would do anything for no matter the cost. Now that I feel more free doesn’t mean, I can relax in any way shape or form, I have to try even harder now, than I have ever tried in my life. Now is a chance to prove who I can be and what I can do with my life. I will take the right fork in the road this time, ad prove nothing to nobody because the only one I have to prove my worth to is myself. I believe that I am a changed man, on the outside and on the inside. I can never stop evolving and gaining self knowledge every day. I need to be seen as a leader and never a follower, but the real truth is I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, only to myself and the most high.


Ego
By Daniel Gebhardt

I didn’t leave you, I left only myself
I projected my anger, fear, anxious
Feelings over to you, you’re stronger
Than I ever will be, or have been
There’s nothing in this universe, that
Will ever stop me from loving you,
You mean more than words could
ever express, I will kill, destroy, manipulate
For you, I will not stop.
You’re the best drug I have ever felt
You course through my blood and
Put me on the top of the world
I stand 10 feet tall when you talk
To me, I fear you, I love you, I need you
Nothing or anyone will ever stop me
From getting your approval
Why deep down do you want me to
Suffer, have pain, have loss and die slowly?
You’re evil and you take my breath away with
Your beauty everytime I see you, but at
the same time I want you dead.
Tell me who I speak of?
Do you know?


We
By Daniel Gebhardt

Great thoughts in a collection is a reflection of each of our lives. We may seem so different but the harsh reality is, we are all the same. We live our lives living and breathing around one another but the truth is we have no idea who is next door to us, we can’t begin to change ourselves if we first don’t love our neighbors as we love ourselves. But some of us don’t know how to love ourselves, we just believe that we are not worthy of being loved, therefore we are not able to show respect and love to others. We need to rewire our thought process to even begin to try to love each other. We as human beings just want to be loved and cherished and respected, we are programmed to be social and live collectively with one another, we have a need to share our emotions but are blocked by all the negative, that flows through-out this universe, I may be an animal in a cage, or as I perceive the world sees me, but all I want is to be accepted, cherished, trusted, honored and most of all loved for who I am. Isn’t that all we want? To be ourselves and to just be loved? I know that to get what I want, I have to display love to others,give to them without expecting in return. I just want love …


Conscious/Mirror
By Daniel Gebhardt

You don’t think you can beat me do you?
You think you know how I think?
You think you can predict my actions?
You think you’ll know how I’ll react?
You think you can tell my mood by my stage look
You think to much, you think you're ahead of me but the truth is …
You’re so worried about me, you forget yourself
You forgot to love and cherish
You forgot to eat and drink
You forgot to work out
You forgot to condition your mind
You forgot how to be human
You forgot how to be positive
You forgot how to chase your dreams
You forgot how to live
As I look in the mirror, I recite this to myself
If I know who I am , I can beat you at everything
I know all about you, because I am you
I will change, I will be positive
I will condition my mind and body
I will be who I want, not what others portrait me as
If you want it, you have to go get it
Good things don’t come to those who wait,
but those who go get it.


Demons
By Daniel Gebhardt

I die a little more each day. I use to believe that now I know that. I try to not give up on humanity, but I can’t trust people in power have my best interest in mind. Just another statistic in the books, just another number in the system, I had my chance to change again and again screwing it up, always wanting to break the rules, never understanding the actions I choose have a reflect on everyone, not just me. I caused pain, hurt, hateful feelings in a lot of people, helplessness, sleepless nights I took this life and works for granted, now I am remorseful or am I? Do I just say these things to make others happy? My mind continues to believe that this in not real and will change when I yell cut,  and change the actors and scripts time to get control of this lawlessness, this over-privileged mind, knocking on death's door, he opened and said welcome with dead bone filled arms, but someone and something greater than myself took me back and said I could not have true peace yet, I must be and am chosen to change the way this story is going, I will fulfill this destiny I have, I will end the demons that control this movie.


My Perspective
By Daniel Gebhardt

When emotions control your life you will never win, you should only take calculated risks and not chances. Love is the most important trait you can establish with everyone, if you know and study your enemy you will conquer this world, but your only “true” enemy is  yourself. Nobody can beat you worse than you. It’s time to start believing in  yourself, if you do this all others will fall right into place. Everyone needs to develop self-confidence because all of us have it, no one person is greater than the next, we may believe we are, but all humans are the exact same only different. We can all be a force for good if we work together and not see negative in each other. Even the smallest minds have big ideas that can be used together so it’s time to stop denying others the respect and love they deserve from all of us, why build walls, when we could build trust and love with one another? Than we can build our connection back to the one who brought us here. We will learn and evolve, but we need direction and a collective mind.


Me
By Daniel Gebhardt


True artists deal with an unsustainable amount of pain throughout their lives, everyday ever since they were born it has been a struggle in some sort of way or form, nothing ever truly went the way it was supposed to. Bored everyday in school, never trusting anyone, not even themselves, every day looking in the mirror not knowing who their going to see at that point in time. To nice to let others verbally assaulted them, because knowing deep inside they have the power and ability to destroy their enemy, but understanding if they release their power it will devastate not only them, but many others, it would cause much more hurt than good caring for life because the Lord's will has been instilled since birth. Hidden talent and marvelous powers have been here all along, it just took the darkest powers to unleash them, we all knew it was here all along but were always to cautious to bring it out. Pain and anguish, lies, false hopes have been here and will continue to be until the day we close our eyes for good. But they put in front of the open door because you have to go through it and not around to find out who you need to be. Your strength, honor, trust, ability to compete, ability to go on will be tested if you’re chosen. You will succeed, but it’s a long, long journey, how bad do you want it? It’s like breathing when someone takes away my air I will fight for every breath. You have to be the same way about success, then you will change.


Day One
By Daniel Gebhardt

How do I escape the reality of still being trapped in my darkest reality? I know that I am not there anymore and I am more free than I have been in a long time, but my mind still can't wrap it self around the concept of me being stuck in a box for more than 23 hours a day. Someone told me we only have 2 emotions, that we are able to display in our daily lives and those are fear and love. So which one am I displaying now? it must be more fear with flashes of love here and there because they tell me I come out and look around my surroundings before I take my next move. I think in my mind that, that's what I am supposted to do "be aware" not only consciously but physically. But maybe I'll be the first to admit that I am somewhat wrong. Everyone around me seems to be wolves and that is what I am, but I see them as sheep, because I secretly know what I am capable of? or because I have learned that everyone around me is a projection of me? If I display love and eminate it, will the universe give it back to me? Of course it will I just need to have faith.


*Acceptance *
By Daniel Gebhardt

When I wake in the morning I feel as if this is a new day and new chance to right my faults that I continue to have on a daily basis. But then I stop and think does yesterday really matter? to the small closed mind it does, when I expand my mind and actually try to grasp that this stent between these four walls is only a moment in time that I have already lived over and over in infinite time lines and dimensions. Is that the reason why I keep remembering or having flashes of the future of me already doing this. I believe that everyone and everything happens for the exact reason it is happening. There is no such thing as karma, what ever is or was going to happen is going to be no matter what you do, it is not because of how nice or mean you are to others it will simply just be. One day in the near future we will all think alike and be on the same page of living in harmony with one another, because we are all connected in more ways than one. We just "look" physically different. Acceptance is the universal thought.


"Begin Somewhere"
By Daniel Gebhardt


When I sit back and observe all these other minds and body's in motion I just try to fathom their existence why was I placed here next to them? was it truly because I broke the law? or was it a higher purpose? that I needed to slow down, I was moving way to fast and needed a break from my nothingness, to be honestly truthful I only held myself in high regard I had no use for anyone or anything because I thought that nothing else mattered but me. When I got the chance to "sit" for an extended period of time this is when I began to realize that not only did I really hurt the ones that loved me, but most of all my self. I am working on self everyday, I know this sounds selfish but the more I fully understand to love my self, the more love I exert to others around me. ( the ones who still love and cherish me) I never understood what love was or the meaning of it, but I am now starting to grasp the true meaning of love. Love is what I want out of life, not acceptance but love, If I require it I must extend it out to others right?


*Honor*
By Daniel Gebhardt

To step into a den full of lions and be the only wolf is quite intresting. I know that I feel the power and mental of my ancestor's, I have the drive and determination to become a leader for the people and not just my own kind. I know that it doesn't matter if everyone likes me because true leaders carry themselves in a way that seems arrogant and "stuck up" but it is not viewed by the person in power that way at all. I think to act in that way prepares us for the greater good of humanity, because we can represent our people in a way that will be respected and not feared. Any great leader will tell you that to be feared is not the same as being respected. I want better for my people, I want them to have a voice and not always be stuck on mute. Now when I say my people I mean us as a whole not just one race. I believe once we get over our differences and realize that the only differences we have is our "physical" and not "mental" that is when we become one.

*Space*
By Daniel Gebhardt

Who am I to question why I am here or what I am supposed to do with my life? I thought that this was a question for a higher more intellectual power that knows all and is all. I am soon coming to find out that speaking and praying out into the universe only brings me dissapointment and heartache, because when I expect that something will transpire and happen the way I through it would or should happen doesn't it makes me think there is no point in sending my thoughts into the blank space we call this universe. To be honest with my self how do I even know any of this universe even exists outside of what surrounds me? I can't be in more than one place at any given moment in time, so I don't really know for sure if it is really happening at all, I watch the idiot box and see all the change that takes place all over this world and think to my self is this what I created? Years of me breaking the law, stealing, manipulating my way to what I thought was the top? All of my exerted effort was for nothing at all. I wasted 30 years of my life on nonsense, the time is now to bring back sanity and peace and most of all love to this thing we call "life" or "space".


*Makes Sense*
By Daniel Gebhardt

You got me when I was so young, you thought you were doing me a favor, you your self were not necessarily old but not in the best position to take care of me. You think you did me a favor, is that what you think you did for me? No consequences of negative actions for me, I could do anything with out worrying about being punished because I knew you were weak, they said I had "menatal instability" but was that really what it was? or am I just good at acting? Do you really know if I had anger problems? or if I used my stature to my advantage at all times? Did I always have a hidden agenda? I know I did, but you didn't I became a spoiled, over privlaged, piece of shit because of all the "love" you tried to buy me with. The truth is hard for you read or see or understand, because how could you have screwed up another life that bad. Blind your self with all the good you thought you did for me. When you bought my love that is what I knew to be love. What does it mean when I had no feelings of caring if I didn't get my way or the newest best items before everyone else did. Why do you think I never wanted to spend "quality" time with you? Maybe because when I showed my emotions , you sent me to a therapist and they tried to tell me I was depressed, the truth being you never taught me how to be happy without items. I got everything I ever wanted and never had to ask twice, if you said no I knew how to "act up" just enough and say the "right things" to get you to feel bad enough for me to get what I want. Is it right on my part? Absolutely not, but when I look back or try to , this is what I was taught to do. It was a mirror of the images I saw in you. As much as you don't like certain things about me, certain personality traits of mine you have to take a step back and look deep inside yourself because I learned from you. Arrogance, bully traits, boss traits, how to speak my way in or out of a situation, How to get anything I want, showing my soft side then sinking my teeth in to what I want so there is no chance to escape. All of these things you don't like you can thank your self because you taught me, groomed me from a very young age to never quit , never accept failure, always be well dressed, well spoken. Some call it manipulation, I call it fitness because I am working out my brain until it is as hard as my heart , so fit that there can be no softness left, which is dangerous because I don't really know how to love you. Material things are what I believe you get me to show me you love me? Right? How's your life? Depressed because your not as smart as you think you were? I guess I evolved not just a little more but a lot more, if the story came from your mental it would go a whole different way, ungreatfull , un appreciated, asshole, always only worried about what I can get, who can be told these over and over again with out hardining of their heart and emotions? Its to late for you to understand what you have done? Famous words of yours " I'm doing my best" we both know that's not true in the least because if you were your life would be a whole lot better, but your content with being nothing. I'm not and will never be, "I would if I could" doesn't even exist in my mind anymore \, I replaced it with "I Can and I will" I believe in me, not you anymore.

Pain
By Daniel Gebhardt

Distrust from everyone
Deep inside I know,
This is not me
As I scan my mind
For a hope or glimmer of hope
I look deeper, strive harder
But for what? For who?
Is it myself, or who I think I am?
Do you know?
Physical pain is real or is it?
Does my mind control this?
If I focus on the true pain, and zero in
It is not really pain, but true happiness
At least I know who I am, you don’t have to
Know I will beat any problem
I focus harder, meditate more, believe more
That my mind can beat pain
I create the pain. I am the only one who can
Destroy it fully, I cause it, I beat it
Focus more, my mind will seek only what I deserve, and that is
Peace, tranquility and love. There is not pain anymore, only joy in my life.
Pain can not stop me, not even death. My mind will live on

My conscience will always be here fighting pain and winning.


Power and Passion 
By Daniel Gebhardt


Power is unmistakeable. I feel it throughout my body, mind, and soul. I know I can touch the sky, I know I can accomplish anything I decide to do. Every day is a new day to shine, to show myself I am worth all this trouble, anguish, and pain. I feel immortal and know I have undiscovered power, all of my struggles have made me 100% smarter, and more conscious of the decisions I make. I will give my heart and soul to fulfill my blessings. I had to learn my lessons the hard way. Nothing without God, my loyalty will never stop, my energy and power will never quit, all the meditation only makes me think clearer. I know I can beat you flat out. A part of me had to die to become this real human who won’t ever quit no matter what. I am taking time out to figure out who I really am. I am learning more and more about my power each day. I will conquer my power, I will break this simulation. I will never follow. I had to before to truly know how to be a leader. You’re not built like me; you will never understand how powerful I truly am. I will just have to prove it and show you. You’re going to love me for my passion.  


Gray, Not Black & White
By Daniel Gebhardt

Inside I feel the burning of fire and passion of hate
Inside I feel negative and if you turned your back on me
Inside I can’t stand the sight or sound of you
Inside I feel betrayed and know you left me to die
Inside I feel I will never trust you or love you ever again
Inside I told myself this is for the best, I can’t rely on you
Inside I told myself you would be there, you’d help me
But the truth is you weren’t there when I needed you
I needed you for moral support in that courtroom
I felt you abandoned me to face the evil by myself
You made excuse after excuse why you weren’t there
I believed deep inside, and tried to hold onto hope, that it wasn’t true
I only fooled myself, over and over again, and kept deceiving myself
It always turns back to the truth
The truth is hard to take
It’s like trying to breath without oxygen
It is very hard to swallow
The pain in
My lungs my heart, the thoughts over and over again
I never trusted you when I first met you, I will never trust you. You had your chance to prove
You failed badly, I will never forgive or forget, I understand
You gave up; I understand you claim to be the victim
I only blame myself; I would do anything for my kin
But since I truly wasn’t yours the bond was never there for you
Maybe one day you’ll suffer the way you made me
You’ll feel the pain and anguish
But maybe you already did with your mother
I feel gray; I will never keep it black and white
Nothing will ever give me my time back
I begged for help, you couldn’t hear
God will be there to judge you
I won’t


My True Duty
By Daniel Gebhardt

It is not my duty to change the world
Or save humanity
It’s my duty
To save myself
Everyone is just a
Projection of who I am
Nobody is rea, everything I see
Is the image the great collective mind
Produces, I am the great mind, God is.
I don’t have to finish that sentence
Because there is nothing else
God did not create this world we see
God is only love
He has nothing else
We created this world, the devil is not
His enemy, the true enemy is the ego
I will stop the ego, if I change we will
All survive, together in love we will
Be back where we never left (Heaven)
It’s not my job to Save the World
Only to save myself
It’s not selfish, in turn I save everyone
From my ego


Pride
By Daniel Gebhardt

I never denied how arrogant I was, I know I am an ass
I know I’m an over-privileged, over-spoiled son of a bitch
I know I’m the best looking human you’ve ever seen
I can be loyal if you let me, I can be your best friend
I can be your sores enemy, I can mislead you better
I can cause you more problems than you can deal with
I can react in no time flat; I can ruin your day
And everyone else’s too, I can be overzealous,
Over anxious, hardheaded, evil drinking, evil doing, jealous,
Envious, I am not to be trusted, believed, I can steal your
Happiness. I can steal your hopes, dreams, goals, motivation
And your thoughts, I can be your best friend, a positive
Motivator for good, I can be honest, fun loving, friendly,
Giving, a huge factor for good, I can change in the drop of
A hat, all depends on who I am around, or what I have
To deal with. Dig deep inside and feel what I am 
If you can tame me I can be a force of greatness, 
That can charm the world, find me, before it’s too late, and you can’t,
Don’t wait for death to call before you do….


Unconscious Dreams
By Daniel Gebhardt

This world is just a dream
Created by my own conscious
None of what I see, hear or feel
Will matter at any point in time
It is time to wake up
And understand that time is nothing
There is no such thing as time or space
My mind creates everything around me
None of this is real
Every problem I think I have is just 
A projection
Of what I think
I have
Or not get along with
Just a projection of my faults
I see faults and evil
In others
Because it is me and my unconscious
I am projecting
I can stop all the madness
I am working on perfecting 
Myself
I will never stop learning
Or ever be 
Perfect
I will only see others as I perceive
Myself
Once I learn true forgiveness
I will be free from this
Dream
Nightmare
I have never left 
Heaven
My ego told me I could do better than
My father
I know this is
The closest I will ever come to 
Hell
I will destroy
Ego
And be free
It’s not your duty to follow me
But follow
My true thoughts
You will understand one day


Daniel Gebhardt 320158
G. Robert Cotton Correctional Facility
3500 N. Elm Avenue
Jackson, MI  49201

My name is Daniel Gebhardt, I am 33 years old, I have been writing my whole life. I enjoy poetry, short stories, and plan on writing a book one day. I am currently serving a 10 year sentence with an estimated release date of 2026. I have two boys that I live for and want to show them that I can still make something of myself. Please feel free to contact me at the above address or J-Pay

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

All My Engines (Or, The Day I Learned to Love the TDCJ Group-Mind)

February 11th, 2009

I have recently become a nomad. After nearly two years in the comfortable confines of C-Pod, the angry gods of my tribe have decided, In Their Infinite Wisdom, that it was past time for me to gather my teepees and wigwams and move along. Random moves are not abnormal ariond here, but the scope of this one was somewhat surprising. You have heard the old adage about government spending, yes? The one which states: “Why build one, when you can have two for three times the price?” “Why move one inmate, when you can move THE ENTIRE BLOODY FARM” seems to be the basis of the current ideology. So, we enter into the great 12-Building diaspora of ’09. After three short moves, I am now a resident of A-Pod, 71 cell to be precise, which is a few hundred feet north of my old cell. New neighbors, new view of the same boring dayrooms. A-Pod is a bit irregular, in all truthfulness. B section is empty currently, reserved for Richard the Oft-Maligned (Tabler), as soon as he returns from the mental hospital. Being deprived of all human contact has broken him. His second suicide attempt failed, much to the dismay of the majority of inmates and guards. They keep “accidentally” leaving him razor blades, so I can only assume that an immediate shuffling off this mortal coil, -a sudden buying of farms and kicking of buckets - is the desired result from up on high. Sometimes…I just…hate this goddamned country.

DeathWatch is in A section, which is depressing as hell, though at least it gives me an opportunity to offer what meager attempts at assistance I can muster for the soon to be departed. 71 cell is in F section, so I look out across the picket straight into DeathWatch. Sometimes, late at night, I stand at my door and just stare out that way. All the lights seem to be on, and I wonder what it must feel like to try to compress the remaining totality of a life into a few days, a few hours. There is a Hispanic man in 14 cell – I don’t know his name; how can it be possible that there are still men I do not know? – who is a night owl, also. There are times when our pacing brings us to the door simultaneously, and our eyes lock, and, with a certainty, I know we are both thinking the same thing, in mirror form: I am glad I am over in F section; I wish I were over in F section. My friend K-9 (Kenneth Morris) is over there now, in 12 cell. If the name sounds familiar, he is featured in the Artist Section on this site.

I’ve always had a crazy amount of respect for these jailhouse Picassos. I have yet to meet anyone who came to prison with any artistic experience, so they are all self-taught. Most learn to draw out of necessity; it’s their hustle. Texas, lone amongst the rest of the states in this nation, does not pay its inmates for the work they do. If you ever drive past a Texas prison and see a field crew or chain-gang, recognize that they have not earned one penny for their backbreaking labor. (Why is this important, you ask? Think about the positive lessons these men are learning from an environment where they gain no economic knowledge other than the art of the hustle…can’t think of one? Is it any wonder these men can’t hold a job when they get out?) None of this matters for those of us in ad-seg, as we have no right to work. Seems stupid, because, modesty aside, I could pay for my stay here if you put me to work in one of the prison factories. No doubts, there. I was allowed to work in the kitchen at one of the SuperMax detention facilities I stayed in whilst awaiting trial. I was hired as a baker, and was running the kitchen within three weeks, the ODR (officer dining room) in four. I work my ass off, basically. Death Row does not have a work program, which has been “temporarily suspended” since 2000. Anyways, my point being, if you don’t have some outside support, you have no toothpaste, no clothes, no hot-pot, nothing. You wither away and die, unless you have the good fortune to live next door to a Christian, or a quasi Christian-Buddhist-Humanist (hahaha…I’m such a fucking mess!) For sure, art becomes a way to make some commissary, in the underground marketplace. “Flags” (first class stamps) are the currency, and the prices are dependent on a variety of factors, mostly centered on the availability of items currently on the pod. Most cons have a hustle; indeed, it is, in my estimation, impossible to survive without one. Some of us have several. I guess this site is a hustle of mine though that was not my original intent. Necessity, as they say, is a bitch. I suppose that I will one day get over feeling like a sorry welfare case. Maybe.

I have some pretty steady hands, and some small degree of nerdish knowledge, so I quickly set up shop as a typewriter and radio repairman after my arrival here. As soon as I figured out how to modify my radio to receive TV audio, I started selling this fix, also. Three good, decent, God-fearing radios went screaming and smoking into the next world (72 virgin microwaves for all of the devout), but their deaths taught me everything I needed to know about how electricity flows through the circuit board. About a year ago, I built my first speaker. You can see some photos of one of these below which I recently built and mailed out to my father. I have been through several major design changes over the past twelve months. Materials wise, you need the following: some illustration boards (2-0ack + $3.85), which are 20 by 15 inches (most of the artwork on this site is drawn on these); some transistor wire (no comment); glue (no comment); a headphone jack from an old set of headphones (price variable); a magnet from an old set of headphones (small magnets are worth a few flags, large ones from the telephones in the visitation room are worth far more), and paper for the cone. Most of those ingredients are contraband, so obviously the speaker itself is illegal. The paper is about the only item which they won’t take from you, and I have experimented with many different weights, finally settling on a certain type of heavy crossword puzzle paper, which combats the heavy Houston humidity quite well. I used to make the speaker boxes much larger, but I’ve discovered that if I build them to fit in the snug space between the wall and the bunk, the sound bounces around under the bed before coming back out the cone, amplifying it many times. Effectively, I’ve made the whole cell a component of the system, which means my compact speakers have twice the volume and many times the bass as anyone else’s. A trivial accomplishment, to be sure, but I’m pretty proud of the thing. Certainly, it’s no Curtas calculator, which was designed by Curt Herzstark in the Buchenwald concentration camps, but he had a whole factory to work with.








Despite all of these little projects, I still find myself bored a lot of the time. I toyed with the idea of learning to draw, but it was a humbling discovery to realize that some Neanderthal with a rock and a piece of charcoal scraping the stone wall of a cave in France possessed more artistic talent than I do. If the rarefied and eclectic world of stick-man art ever goes mainstream, maybe I can sell something, though I’m not holding my breath. It certainly made me appreciate the guys around me more. The only art supplies we are allowed to purchase are cheapo colored pencils, regular #2 pencils, black pens, and drawing boards. That’s it. So, for some of these pieces to turn out so well, is truly amazing. A few guys paint, which appealed to me more than drawing, so I started teaching myself the process of breaking up the colored pencils for the graphite and then liquefying them with hot water. I have experimented with adding various liquids, such as baby oil, with varying degrees of success, and some not so varying degrees of failure. I’ve always thought it sort of neat how paint was fabricated in the days of yore, with all of the lapis lazuli blues, malachite greens, saffron yellows, and the white lead carbonate (PbCO3). The manufacture of paint is – of course – contraband. Naturally, I enjoyed the process.

The next problem facing me was how to make a brush. The only option available to me was to cut off some of my hair, and stuff the ends into the casing of an old, used up pen. Not really a big deal, as my hair seems to be doing a pretty good job of falling out on its own, which is immensely disturbing to me, but there isn’t a bloody thing I can do about it, besides try not to look in the mirror. Ha! Less hair on my head, more coming out of my nose. Alas! Who would have thought I would actually get old? That wasn't supposed to happen to me. The next thing you know, I’m going to be complaining about these damned kids with all of their rock and/or roll and their new-fangled ways. Actually, I’ve seen what life in prison does to a man, and I wonder if I would be strong enough to hold back the tides of destruction that wash over you here on a daily basis. I would hope so, but none of us are as strong or as good as we think we are. Ever.

Doing something with the pigments and the brush is where we encounter the train wreck of the problem. I wasn’t sure what subject I should launch into, which seems like it might have been something one would normally think about prior to making the paint, but I tend to do things ass-backwards most of the time. My options were somewhat limited, but I eventually settled on a photograph of a bust of Emperor Hadrian my friend sent me from the British Museum. It seemed fairly simple; black and white, clean lines, no annoying trees or bridges to vex me. All in all, I was attempting to mitigate the potential suckiness of my first artistic abortion.

“Attempting” being the key word. I think I painted the image seven times in total, each time covering over the previous layer, each revision getting slightly better (or worse). I’m really not displeased with it, to be honest with you. It’s not in the same league with the rest of the guys, but I don’t think it is awful. You can see the piece, which I am calling V1.0 here. (Before you laugh at me, remember: I’ve got software tracking your IP addresses. Insert evil laughter.) Ten bucks worth of colored pencils and some hair, not so bad an expense for a few days of entertainment. Time sleeps when the muses wake, it would seem. I think I’m going to keep at it, as soon as they bother to buy some more pencils in the commissary.


V1.0

Not sure what my next project might be, but I am open to suggestions, providing they don’t require me to actually produce something that resembles the original in any way. Abstract art would be good, because then I can always go: “Well, yeah, his shoulder looks like a horse…that was intentional. Yes. Intentional.”

I guess the main draw for me to DR art is that we are supposed to be bereft of all humanity, of soul. If producing something like Prietos “Jesus” – which is so real in person that it looks as if you could brush his beard – is not an intensely human act, I do not know what is. There is something very tragic to me at the thought that in less than a month, K-9’s tigers will cease to prowl the tree tops. What do you become when all of the truths you can see are weary, hardened arteries leading to the dead heart of a sick society? I’ll let you know when I get there.

“Nor aught availed him now
to have build in heaven high towers
Nor did he escape
By all his engines
But was headlong sent
With his industrious crew
to build in hell.”


Milton, “Paradise Lost”

Added note: February 20, 2009

A small victory to report: I have been granted another surgery to repair my busted arm. This should happen within the next few weeks. It seems that my annoyance factor finally was maximized, and they realized me and my lawsuitish ways were not going anywhere. They plan to take some bone out of my femur to jam into my humerus, so…yeah, I’m pretty much expecting to come back with my thigh attached to my shoulder and my arm connected to my butt. At least then I will be able to kick myself in the head for agreeing to submit myself to the tender ministrations of Igor Inc. for a second time.

As you can imagine, all of the constant moving has upset (read: destroyed) any semblance of normal mail delivery. Going to the hospital is only going to exacerbate the situation. I am currently caught up on everything, but if you do not hear from me for a while, it might be safe to assume that Bubba and Billie Jean jacked your letter.

Wish me luck!


© Copyright 2009 by Thomas Bartlett Whitaker.
All rights reserved.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

A Tale of Five Jails - Grimes County

February 1st, 2009

(Note the events detailed below take place May 2006)

The thing that I remember the most was the smell.

No matter what the actual stomach contents might have been, vomit always smells the same. Competing for olfactory dominance were the lightweight contending stenches of sweat, fear, and shame. They were losing badly, hanging despondently upon the ropes, almost to the point of tapping out. The radio blared, the front speakers of the van turned up to their maximum in an attempt to make up for the fact that there were none in the rear. Reba's twangy voice could not cover up the sound of the man three rows up as he wretched his breakfast up all over his lap and the floor. There were eighteen of us in the back of the Ford Econoline, channeling sardines, all of us bedecked in canvas blue jumpsuits, our hands, feet, waists, and souls shackled together. There was no air-conditioner, but the sun had not come up yet, so the temperature was still in the low 80's. Manageable.

This was the first time I had ever hit a "back-door ATW," the jailhouse term for being moved from an overcrowded correctional facility to another. "Front-door ATW": going home. I would never be front-doored. I was home.

None of the men knew our destination. The whisper-stream inside the walls had informed us all that Fort Bend was using at least four different facilities to deal with the overcrowding. All of them were considered a step up from the puritanically conservative hellhole of FB, so getting "back-door ATW'ed" was actually a treat, the stream claimed. Fool me once.

The sky was heavily cloaked in clouds, and I wished desperately for a view of a star. Just a single star, God, and I will be fine. The clouds shrugged off my mental attempts to move them via telekinesis. I vowed my revenge, smiling at the thought of attempting vengeance on air. If only a heart could heal as quickly. In Seg you learn to laugh at the smallest of things. Some of them are even real. Some of them.

The men up in front of me were yelling at the sick man, who was trying to apologize and clean himself off. The guards rolled down the windows, glaring daggers. Around me, men talked shit, talked their "game". Everyone in jail is a millionaire, a player, a lesser god of the streets, a "G". They have phat stacks of cash, record deals, and ho's. Yet, somehow, despite owning a fleet of Mercedes or Range Rovers ("Ah, shit, man, when my girl sends me them pics, you will see. Just wait!"), they cannot post a lousy 5K dollar bail. I don't call people on their bullshit stories. I don't talk to people at all, if I can help it. I have no bail. I am on remand. Bail-talk is as worthless as a politicians promise to me.

I knew a few of the guys in the van. I'd been in jail for nine months, so some of them had been in my tanks, at some point. Some of them had been in my tanks, then went home, then came back. Everyone knew who I was. The newspapers, so fixated on buzz words, all labeled me as a "master-mind", so that is what people had started to call me behind my back. I refused to answer to this, but that did not stop people from using the label.

We were using back roads, so it was difficult for me to tell which direction we were headed. All backcountry roads in Texas look basically the same. I had a map of Texas open in my mind, with the hypothesized destination facilities and their geographical locations blinking in various colors. Eventually, we came out onto 290, and I crossed Lufkin off of the list, the little green light going dead inside my head. Too far west along the abscissa, so to speak. Grimes county became the immediate frontrunner, and when we pulled off the freeway near Navasota I spoke for the first time, quietly informing everyone of our destination. There were groans, and claims of all manner of intimate knowledge of the place. That is nearly as common in jail as claims of houses in the Caribbean: first-person accounts of nearly every unit in the state. "I was there back in '04..." became the chorus very quickly, as if convincing yourself that imagined survival of a certain hell would somehow minimize its present effects. Uneasiness: fears midwife. In men who have been trained not to show fear or weakness, unease has a peculiar smell. Or maybe it was just the BO. God forbid anyone else uses some bloody deodorant around here.

We wound our way through a few service roads, until we pulled into the parking lot of a low, small building. I was not impressed. There couldn't be more than one hundred beds in the place; the razor wire was strung haphazardly along the tops of a chain link fence. The sky was finally graying as we pulled into a connected garage, and I timed the gate as it descended from the ceiling above. It made a clink-clink-clinking sound as it moved, and it made me think of the castles I had seen in England, for some reason. The van coughed as it was shut down, and the two guards stepped out of the cab, stretching. They wore black military-style pants with lots of pockets, and gray shirts emblazoned with the logo of the CiviGenics Corporation, a privately run collection of detention centers and prisons. These corporate facilities have become all the rage in Texas, because nobody likes passing the buck better than rednecks. Look up Sophism in the dictionary; see a nice photo of Rick Perry and his Hair. Don't want to pay for the programs in prisons that Uncle Sam requires? No problem, just let cousin Earl open a small jail, issue some temporary waivers on education programs and drug treatment, and the problem is solved. Just so long as you don't keep anyone there longer than two years, it doesn't matter. And, of course, nobody is really keeping track of the fact that men spend their lives being moved every 23-months from one place to another. Who really cares about a bunch of losers?

The cop wannabes wore old six-shot revolvers on heavy web belts, which also contained a plethora of other instruments, all designed to somehow assuage the miser over being too fat or stupid to make it through the Academy. 10 to 1, they all had those fake pig badges you see advertised in the back of Soldier of Fortune. Set into the concrete wall was a large lockbox, which quickly received the pistols and the tear gas sprayers. The 12-gauge was left sitting on the dashboard, and omission which might or might not have been intentional. The two proceeded up a small set of stairs and whacked on an oversized metal door, which was quickly opened. They disappeared inside. We would not see them again for over an hour.

I went to sleep, eventually. Not much else presented itself in the way of distraction, and I had grown bored of all of the talk. Like all matter, bullshit has a maximum density, which we were nearing with reckless abandon. Eighteen men, one van, a penal mixture for the perfect confluence of stupidity. I really couldn't think of anything which would have added to the cultural zeitgeist anyways. Not to imply that I do not have a pretty wide dumbass streak inside of me, because I most certainly do. I buy my stupid in industrial sized containers at Sam's Club, needing a forklift to make my purchases. But my version of idiocy is a lot less callow and only truly appreciated by fellow sommeliers of the craft. The shotgun, and what might be done with it, was pretty much a major theme of the conversational black hole, as you can probably imagine.

When the guards returned, the sunlight was arching through some hidden gap in the metal ceiling above, creating an almost laser-like effect as it lanced through the dust floating in the air. That's on the tricks to this place: see beauty where it can be found, because you won't get a lot of it. The moment was quickly broken by the orders shouted as us to disembark. The CiviGenics lot were accompanied by several jailers, also cop-analogs, dressed in all of the livery of the proud county of Grimes, Texas. One by one, we were removed from the van, which is considerably more difficult than you can imagine when your legs are attached to each others. Two of our number fell, hitting the concrete hard. I would see this same broken act many times over the years, and it would eventually come to symbolize in my mind the apotheosis of the cancer which grows in prisons all over this country: some sort of deep and deeply sinister rejection of humanities dignity. We were processed in two's, each pair being led through the huge metal door every few minutes; a reverse Noah's Ark. All in all, I wanted very much to do what Noah should have done, and miss the ark all together.

There were two of us on the van with murder charges, and we were grouped together. The other man's handle was G-man or G-Unit, or some such silly thing; I cannot even remember now. It doesn't really matter, because all of these street names have become so ridiculously diluted, so derivative, that they ceased to have even a semblance of meaning many years ago. I will stick with G-Man, because a rose by any other name etc, etc...

After about a half an hour of standing around, we were finally ordered through the door, which was slammed shut behind us. We were led, shuffling and hopping, up a narrow hallway which had not seen any real upkeep since the 80's. Everything looked old and decayed and horribly...pastel. Cheap halogen lights burned a sickly yellow overhead. Up the hall and to the left was a small office area, though I could only see a long counter from where I stood. We were ordered to halt-actually, I believe the exact phrasing went something like: "Hold er' up chaw." I'm not exactly sure what the devil a "chaw" might be, but I rather hope to end my days in blissful ignorance on the subject. After a moment, a stringy, cowboy hat adorned sergeant came charging out of the office area, and for a moment I thought he was going to plaster us in his way out the door, but he slammed on his brakes about twelve inches from G-Man and I. He looked us over in what I suppose was meant to be a threatening manner, though the effect was somewhat marred by his too close piggy eyes, and the tobacco stains on his chin. His gums were constantly moving up and down, up and down, as if he were a cow chewing on his cud. I suppressed a smile. So perfect, so fitting.

"You boys got any weapons on 'cha?" His voice was just...awesome. Seriously soprano, almost to the point that I bet his dogs-and you just know he had like twenty of them-absolutely hated it when he spoke. I had never been called a "boy" before, and the tiny, secret smile which had recently slunk back down my throat in rejection, redoubled its forces and pressed the attack. A brief puff of air escaped my lips, which were starting to arch ever so slightly upward. I bit down hard, trying to relax my facial muscles, but it was too late. Sergeant Jim-Bob turned his gaze on me, and stepped even closer.

"I say 'sumptin funny to you, boy?"

I swallowed the remains of my traitorous smile, and did my best to approximate what a fellow denizen of the "Rural Realms" might sound like.

"No, sir, boss. I reckon you didn't. Gots me a bit of a cough is all."

His eyes twitched, trying to determine if I was mocking him. He eventually nodded, and ordered us down the hallway into a small holding cell. Our chains were removed, and I set myself to rubbing out the creases and lines in my skin from the constant contact the metal. There was only one such holding tank, further strengthening my conviction that this was a tiny facility. We were the only two inmates inside, which I found odd. Everyone else had been moved immediately to their tanks, and G-Man and I speculated as to the meaning behind our special treatment. I could see several of the tanks from where I sat, via some very thick and very stained glass windows. I recognized many of these men and boys from FB. Over the years, convicts have developed a sort of penal sign language, which is somewhat based on the common ASL that deaf individuals use, though more basic. I exchanged information with some of the guys, confirming that the place basically sucked. It seemed that they had a problem with our clothing, and had confiscated all of it, allowing only sandals and the Grimes County jumpers. This is actually a pretty common tactic, as turning on the AC full-blast becomes a pretty effective weapon against unruly prisoners. Several of the lighting fixtures had been ripped off the ceiling, so as to make some homemade tattoo guns, and many new tattoos were displayed with varying levels of pride and shame.

I sighed, but the information did no concern me as much as it should have. There is a point of acceptance of life which finds you in the depths of depression, and I had been living there for a long while. It is the same look of resignation I saw in the eyes of goats just prior to having their throats slit in Mexico. I had not learned of my true strength yet, in those days.

All told, G-man and I spent over three hours in the holding tank. It became obvious that we were not wanted here, and the powers that be were trying to decide what to do with us. At some point in the late morning hours, a very fat, very gay, black man brought us two sack lunches. I will admit, the last thing I expected to see in this hillbilly paradise was a 300-pound African American, wearing black jeans, a black button down shirt, and white leather boots with a matching rhinestone-bedecked belt. G-Man and I just looked at each other, both of us attempting to compute this singular and abrupt violation of context. Sometimes all you can do is reboot the system and eat your sandwich.

I napped again, my back to the concrete wall. At some point, the CiviGenics Boys metastasized their way back to the holding cell, and informed G-Man that he would be staying. The CO then turned to me and told me, with no small degree of joy, that I was headed for Limestone. I nodded to G-man, our brief connection severed, and allowed myself to be re-chained. The van was far more enjoyable now that I was its sole passenger.

Limestone, unlike Grimes, was known to me. CiviGenics facility, holding federal, state, and county inmates, and uneasy Heinz 57 mix of some very nasty men. I knew it to be located somewhere just south of Waco, so I figured it would be a rather long drive. The farm had a rep for being a hard one, what was referred to as a "rock and roll" unit. How do you prepare for events which you have zero experience in? You can't. The only way to reduce how "green" you are, is through the crucible of experience. I didn't know exactly what was ahead of me, but I suspected that when I was done with Limestone, my "green-factor" would be seriously diminished. "Make game of that which makes as much as these"...Or something. Et-fucking-cetera.





© Copyright 2009 by Thomas Bartlett Whitaker.
All rights reserved.