Thursday, September 30, 2010

Letters to a Future Death Row Inmate, Part 12

by "Old School"

Young Man,

I know this rude but I don’t want to tell you my name. I don’t like to write it no how in kites cause lots of them get read by the laws and then they put it in they files. You can just call me Old School. That been my name forever cuz I been old forever.

I been thinking about what to write you since I saw you pull up and this young cracka been bugging us to write you and its hard to know what to say. You can’t describe this farm. It is so hateful and so cruel that people always be thinking I spinning game when I try. Isn’t no game young buck. This all you got left in front of you. Truth is I been locked up so long I cant remember no other life no more. It hurt to try.

Truth is ugly. I’m scared. All the time. If that was my punishment then I say they doin it right. I ain't proud of what I did but if the police had done they job then it wouldna been up to me to solve that problem. I ain’t sayin that some people just need killin but the police knew that man was doin wrong on the street and they just sat back and did nothin. So now I’m here for doin what any parent would have done but I don’t know what happen to my courage. It all gone. Every damn day I’m scared. I ain’t been to recreation in 7 or 8 years. It be filthy with germ out there and when you come out yo house the laws can go in-there and do heaven knows what. Maybe put cameras and microphones in yo house. Sometimes they will crawl in the pipe chase and talk in the vents like they is a demon and try to set people off. I seen it many time. I only shower one time a month if then. I don’t like livin like this but that water get me sick it infected with somethin. Sometime they take my towel when I in there so I just drip and then catch a cold or leave me in there for more than an hour. They know my knees is bad so I have to sit on they moldy floors and I ends up dirtier than I was when I went in. They do this cuz they know I ain’t gonna do nothin to them. I’m too old for games and violence and they know that. You will see for yourself young buck.

I had me lots of friends once. Out in the world people liked me and they sent me letters thankin me for what I done and sayin they gonna take care of me forever. You gots to try to hang on to yo friend and family as long as you can because they all gonna go one day and then you be like me. This place is bad but it worse when you ain’t got no bread for toothpaste or soap or food to replace they food. I used to have me lots of friends back with us on the Row but they most dead now. They done killed more than 350 mens in my time here. 350 young man. You can’t know what that is like so I wont even try to tell you. My memory not as good as it once was but I still recall most of them. Most were my friends. Some were hard men but they was made harder by this place and only 3 of them was what I would call evil. All the rest coulda done fine in prison and then get released. I don’t feel nothin when I think of they names. I can’t feel nothin no more about much anything, cept to feel scared all the time.

Cuz there ain’t no gettin out. One of my last friends was Rocky. He went bad there at the end not comin out his house and not even wantin to see his kids. They gave him a life sentence but nobody know where he at. His family can’t find him and nobody here no where he at. It like he got buried already. Even if you get a life sentence you ain’t getting out. Ain’t no parole for us. Even if they was you think anybody gonna be waitin for you at them gates? You walk out alone and the world done changed and you get on a bus and go where? Ain’t no world left for you out there.

I don’t know what advice to give you young man. They is going to make you a monster it happens to most. Monster or crazy like me. Or dead. Lots of different types of crazy back here but only one kind of dead. Those is yo choices. I should have killed myself when they move us over to Polunsky. We knewed it was bad the way they clamped down on the chains so we couldn’t feel our hands and how they make us go neckid everywhere. Now I too scared.

I don’t know if God is real no more or what he gonna do to me if I kill myself. They always say that a sin in church but they never seen this place and now there ain’t no real churchman to ask. The preachas here is all white and ain’t gonna waste no time on no old nigga like me cept to tell me to change my ways like I can do it all so easy like. Maybe they right. I’m too scared to find out and too scared to stay living.

Watch they food. You see what look like gasoline floatin on a water puddle on top of them green beans? That some kind of poison. Every time I eat they vegetables I get tired and like I ain’t got no cares. That make it easy to push you around get you to fall in line. They want you like a sheep. That why they feed you breakfast at 3 in the mornin and slam them doors all night so you can’t get no rest. We used to work here on the Row. That the last time I slept good cause I’m the kind of man that likes to put my hands to use. I been workin since I was 12 and my hands is still good and strong and don’t shake none. I worked in the garment factory on Ellis Unit in the old days. I was so good with them clippers that when I see an officer with a shirt or pants that was too big I would fix them for free and it looked like they shirt was made just for them. They would sometimes buy me some food and thank me for real like we was just two people for real people not in prison. That was the last time any of these laws ever smile at me or look at me like I was more than some run down nigga. These days ain’t no work. They always say in that we can get clemency but how that work when they ain’t no programs or church and when you alone in a box all day? Ain’t nobody ever explain that.

I wish I could give you some good words young man. I’m too old and rusty for that. I know some of you is tryin to better yourself but it just don’t matter none now. Ain’t no better or worse. They all want all of us dead and that is what they gonna get. All I can tell you is that the razor blades is dull but they sharp Enough. I wish I had the courage but maybe you is stronger than me. I’m sorry.

© Copyright 2010 by Thomas Bartlett Whitaker. All rights reserved

Art by Jeremy Tucker

Jeremy Tucker 1922918
Ellis Unit
1697 FM 980
Huntsville, TX 77343

Friday, September 24, 2010

Letters to a Future Death Row Inmate, Part 11

by Juan Martin Garcia #999360

Hello New Boot,

I would like to introduce myself to you. My name is Juan. I am from Houston, Texas and have been locked up on this case since I was 18 years old. I am now 30, an old man by the standards of this place. How time flies, I wasn’t going to send you anything at first, but I talked to the vato that is organizing this, so I am hoping and praying that you will take a minute to listen to me and understand what I am writing to you.

You are going to learn about pain here, the kind you never knew existed. I am a Daddy of three monsters, some of the biggest monsters ever born, so I am glad that I am locked up. J I am just pulling your leg, of course. I have been away from them for so long. I can’t lie, it really does hurt to be apart from them but all make our choices and our mistakes when we are young, and now I have to see my daughters and my son call some other mother-&#$*#$#er Daddy. It’s not just us that pays. Everyone pays with you, and the fact that you see this is proof that you aren’t the cold-blooded killer that the outside world says of you. People can sentence another to die only if they think he isn’t human, so the only thing a prosecutor ever has to do is make you a dog.
No, dogs get national campaigns to save them from the pound. They just have to make you into something that can be killed free of guilt. That’s all.

They don’t want to hear about the hells of your childhood, the rough life you had and it makes me so mad that I never tried to get help, maybe I would still be out there, who knows. Well friend I don’t have any right to tell you exactly how to live, but maybe I can help you from making some of the same foolish mistakes that I did. Maybe you can then tell them to someone out there in the world. Some people here are going to tell you lies just to see how you act. First, trust your own. Then you can watch and see which people are respected by all the races. There aren’t many, but they do exist. I remember when I got here a homeboy from the world helped me out "Johnnie Bernal" he sent me five soups that day which was Wednesday June 21st, 2000 and I was told very few things about how to act. I just sat back and looked at how each day was and just made each day go the way I wanted it to go because yeah we do have a choice on how each day goes here. It’s just you and that cell, all day. Nobody to tell you shit really but you got to fill in the blanks you know what I’m saying? You are going to have to deal with the officials mess a lot of the time but that is prison. Some of them will test you to see if you are what the courts say you are. They think they tough and they want to see who is tougher. You have to think about whether you care what these people think about you or do I care about what my kids think. Sometimes I get mad at them treating me like this and I just want to fix the problem myself but then I put myself to think why should I give them what they want, they get to go home at the end of the day, that’s if nothing happens to them, but you see this place is all I will ever know so I got to make it mine somehow. You can’t do that if you are fighting all the time . It will always be theirs.

So I just try to keep to myself so I don’t make any mistakes that I will have to pay for but I do make known that I am not someone to mess with because if you don’t these animals will always take kindness for weakness and you will get hurt. If you do something all they will say is that you are a killer and can never change but they never explain the ten things that lead up to what you did. They just want to show that you should be in here even if you is innocent of the crime you were convicted for. It doesn’t matter to some of these people. They have parties when some of us get killed at bars and at apartments. When you leave to go to Huntsville to get killed, they line up out back by the loading dock and smile at you as you take your last walk like it’s a parade.

These people give you food that would make your dog talk back to you but when people come here to check upon things we eat ok with real meat and sometimes cake. Many of us don’t get no money from no one so we have to eat just what they give us. You just have to try to make do ok, I didn’t always have to eat this way but used to have a lady I called my "Baby Blue Eyes" that took care of me until she died. Most people will write for a few and then burn off but you see it hurts them too much to see anyone like this. Then again there are also people here who don’t give a fuck and just want to take all they can from people so they mess up our reputations for everyone. It only takes one or two to paint us all with a single brush you know?

So use your head and don’t sleep walk because if you do they will take all you got. If you don’t try to change you wasted your chance at this new life. Take the time to see how much more life can be if you just be your own man and don’t listen to others that just want to see you pulled down to their level. They think that they are better than you but believe me I know it’s that they are not sure with their selves and because they have never taken a look at who they really are.

You have to find some reason to be good. I use the Good Lord for this but yeah I sometimes think that he has left me to die and to put up with the games in this world but it’s because I’m not listening to my heart because the one that walks with the Lord knows that he does not use voices to talk to us but the heart. I am not trying to make myself seem like one of the guys that tries to preach in the dayroom they are trying to convince God to save them and maybe get one of the guards to write a letter of clemency. I do have a really bad mouth at times :) and really watch what I say. So the bible is a tool to help us learn how to use Gods love and advice and not to misunderstand. So I have tried to use it all of my life to get my mother and may he rest my dad to love me for who I am and not for the person that they wish I would have became but it seems like all I ever did was just waste my time and get hurt, and if you know and really understand what I am saying you will know that maybe we just have to keep trying even when it seems like there’s no point.

Well I hope that you were able to understand what l was trying to say, yeah I may have made you laugh by what I said or how I said it but this letter is to show you that I am human and I do make mistakes in life some that I will have to die with for the rest of my life. Some I hope never to relive.

You may think about ending your appeals and that is up to you. I did try to do this in 2008 and still want to but I can’t take seeing women cry which my sisters did. I will never cry again but that doesn’t mean that I don’t hurt or feel pain but it is not right for me to make others feel pain for my decisions. So think about them for a change.

So take care and keep in mind that life is what you make of it and it will only work if you never give up on making it work.

Take care,

Bear & Heart on Fabric by Juan Garcia

Juan can be written to:

Juan Garcia #999360
Polunsky Unit
3872 FM 350 South
Livingston, TX 77350

© Copyright 2010 by Thomas Bartlett Whitaker. All rights reserved

Saturday, September 18, 2010

Letters to a Future Death Row Inmate, Part 10

by Big Rob

Part 9 can be seen here

Dear Young Man,

After being here for only 6 1/2 years I was given an execution date and on this day a new guy came in he was put in the cage next to me and to my surprise he was only 18. You look to be about the same age. Though everyone looks young to me now. When I saw you, I thought to myself how can a life so young end this way? What type of person would sentence someone so young to be murdered? You have your whole life ahead of you and for some reason it can now be cut short. As I continued to think reality hit in a matter of days I will meet my maker so what could I do with the precious time I have left? I decided to write you, just as I did that other young man, and then I got my things in order. I will be buried a few lots away from my lovely mother. Easy to think about at my age, but almost impossible for someone so young. What could be going through your mind at a time like this?

Whatever it is, it can’t be easy for someone so young, when life just seems different. Maybe some people are adults at 18, but I wasn’t and I don’t think many here were either. Some of us take a really long time to mature. I remember when I got here a few guys talked to me "the ropes" and I want to do some of that with you. I could sense that other young man was afraid, way back in ‘03, and I bet you are too. I told him that we must live in order to die its the process of life. As I talked to him, I told him being here is not all about him, and it’s not all about you neither. You got family and friends and supporters and it’s your job to let them know that you are alright and to give them strength. You have to explain to them the appeal process through each stage, so it don’t seem like voodoo, even if it is. Make sure everyone understands that you now have to try to live life to the fullest with what you got. You are going to need help or you will live worse than a mangy dog. Most important, you need to grow closer to the Lord and always know with God all things are possible.

Stay close to your lawyers and ask questions and keep copies of all your letters. They may be fighting for you, but they ain’t always on your side, dig? No matter how small your questions is, ask them. Learn as much of the law as you can and don’t depend totally on others. Most lawyers are in this for the money but you got to be in this for your life.

Don’t let the stress of this place get the better of you. If you are not careful it will suck you in and you will become an animal, totally split apart. Being apart means that you will think the most important things are commissary, recreation, jack books etc. You become lost so stay on top of yourself mentally and physically with these few words of wisdom I hope that you will be able to maintain. But most importantly I pray that you get some action and will get the chance to earn your redemption in this life and to pass on the wisdom that each day of living has to offer.

With Respect,
Big Rob

© Copyright 2010 by Thomas Bartlett Whitaker. All rights reserved

Friday, September 17, 2010

Letter to a Future Death Row Inmate, Part 9

by David Renteria #999460

Part 8 can be seen here

Dear X,

How are you doing señor? My name is David S. Renteria, you can just call me David. Understand you just got here to Death Row or as it is euphemistically referred to as “The Row”. I will have been here seven years come this November (2010) and in that time I’ve experienced, and witnessed events that never in my life I ever thought I would. There are those here who have upwards of three times that time and many who have just about the same or less. As you are new here and perhaps your first time in prison (as I was), I wish to share with you a part of my encounter here in the hopes that maybe it will serve you as you navigate through this chapter in your life. Please, I do not presume to dictate to you what you should do nor do I deem myself a sage, guru or “know-it-all” in all matters Death Row or what have you. Just a simple man who desires to help a brother in need – that is all. So, with all due respect…

Now, as you go through your time here, you will see that there exists a somewhat diversity of mindsets, points of view, backgrounds/walks of like and yes – moralities in this environment. This includes now only the inmates here (or “offenders” as the nomenclature set forth by the Texas penal system) but also the staff with whom we interact with on a daily basis. But my focus will be on this side of the locked doors for they will be the ones you will “reside” with 24/7. I am sure that many will offer you their advice, as I am, and out of all that, you will find bits and pieces of information that may be of use to you. I caution you to always look to the source of the information received because unfortunately there are quite a bit of individuals whose maturity is found wanting and as such, their input or example may only add to the burden(s) already upon you. Believe me señor, you’ll have enough on your plate already than to be adding more to your grief. And so, with humility I impart upon you the one piece of counsel that I feel will be of utmost necessity in this environment.

I opened my letter to you with “how are you doing?” In a world of civility, respect of being and where an individual is seen as a human being, this question may be rhetorical at times. “Fine, how are you?” or “Good, thank you for asking”, are perhaps the standard fare to this question. But in here, these replies cannot be given in such a cursory manner. Death Row is a world of degradation, oppression and subjugation. Forgive me if I sound a bit morose. My intention is to make you aware of what we are up against here not to dishearten you to a point of despondency but so that you can readily face the elements head on and not be easily ambushed by them. How is that done?

My friend, there exists certain fundamentals that will help you weather the storm. Things such as faith, hope, courage, integrity and above all – PEACE. As I have made mention to those I have had the privilege to speak with, you must envision yourself on an island, all alone save the natural surroundings that accompany a deserted island. Will you be able to stand? And, you know what? In essence, in physicality, you are on an island here. We are devoid of any human contact and with very limited interaction with others. We are in a climate of extreme sensory deprivation and at other times, sensory overload (although this may be as a result of the extreme deprivation). On an island, you only have with you what have you brought. There is potential to cultivate and further develop in a positive manner those attributes/skills that will help you see this experience thought the end (whatever that may be) with a degree of dignity and worth. You will meet with a number who have the attitude, “Why? If I’m gonna doe anyhow, why bother?” I’ll tell you why my friend, because it is the base and natural instinct of ALL living organisms to survive, to keep on even when faced with dire circumstances! As hackneyed and as trite as it may sound – Dum Spiro, Spero – While I breathe, I hope! There is no equivocation to that statement; it is self-explanatory, simple and one by which I live by. It’s not over until it’s over señor and until then, what’s going to determine your quality of life and your state of being is how you meet each and every day. Every time you are able to wake from sleep, open your eyes and get up from your bunk (bed) is another opportunity. An opportunity to make this day a little better then the previous; an opportunity to further develop – an idea, a drawing, vocabulary – anything – that you started before; an opportunity to make emphatic changes in your life :-) I’m a big movie buff and a movie I liked very much was Groundhog Day with Bill Murray (you may note references peppered throughout this letter of movies). Well, anyway, along the plot lines, Murray’s character gets stuck in some sort of anomaly where everyday he keeps waking up to the same calendar day – Groundhog Day. Well, yes in the beginning, he gives in to his impish impulses and goes about creating all sorts of havoc knowing full well there would be no “apparent” consequences of his behavior. But, as the repetitive days wear on, he quickly grows tired of the calamities he brings about for they soon bring a sense a vacuum; a feeling of unfulfillment arises. So what does he do? He starts to go through his days initiating acts of kindness and benevolence slowly but surely noting that days like these fill the emptiness he feels until finally he wakes up to the next calendar day thus making a progression in his life in more ways than one. And so it is, or can be rather, with your days here. While external factors can or may influence your being, you ultimately hold the key to how it will affect you. How is that done?

At the risk of proselytizing – so be it - a key component is going to be in how and/or what kind of relationship you maintain with God, yourself, your family and loved ones. I will venture however, that the most significant of all these, and essential, will be your friendship with God and eventually, yourself. Family and friends unfortunately may dissipate with time (and this many times is a case of “reaping what is sown” – but that is another discourse) but never the less, even in the best of circumstances it is the day-to-day events that will call upon your spiritual reserve and constitution as a Son of God. When you have that peace that comes as a result of daily obeisance to our Heavenly Father you will be fortified to withstand the winds of uncertainty; the drowning waters of self-doubt. I come here before you my friend, to give witness to the fact that His presence makes a notable and unmistaken difference in your life. Does this mean that because you maintain a path toward God that you will no longer experience the ills of this place? That all will be peachy-keen, rose gardens and every day filled with rainbows? No, that I cannot day nor will I promise/. Ironically enough, it may feel as though all evil comes descended upon you at times. The difference is going to be in this: you will now have the tools, armor, skills and most certainly, protection to face these tribulations in your day-to-day life; to come out as virtually unscathed as possible. You will “not be given more than you can handle”. That is a promise by Him that makes all things possible and nothing is impossible for Him. You will not be alone. Once you establish this open channel with God and walk with him, it is then that you can confidently dig your heels in to confront with courage all that comes your way; it is in this you will definitely avow – DUM SPIRO, SPERO!!

I share all this with you señor because of what I seen people go through here. There are those whose reliance on a game of chess, dominoes and especially Dungeons & Dragons is what defines their existence. I saw a person so distressed by the fact that no one played D & D in our section that you could literally see the torment on his face. There are others whose happiness is directly seasonal, e.g football; (as is the case right now September 2010), basketball, etc. How can anyone put so much stock on something so fleeting, so trivial, so finite? No sir, you were meant for something greater, something in a class all on its own. Peace of mind has no price, and its only counter balance is utter chaos which you will have if you do not get to setting things right in your life.

Every man dies, not every man truly lives. And it is how we meet that end that makes a difference. Always remember that what we do in life, echoes in Eternity. We never know what is going to happen tomorrow; yesterday is past and out of our influence. So, what do we do now, here, today? That is a decision you must determinate as I do every day. I hope that you do so as a son of God, a man of virtue so that when you are asked, “How are you doing?” in this place, you can assuredly reply, “I’m doing good!!” Despite where we are at, despite the routine abasements – despite it all, you can rely on the fact:


David Renteria #999460

© Copyright 2010 by Thomas Bartlett Whitaker. All rights reserved

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Poetry by Amber Fayfox Kim

January Sunrise
by Amber Fayefox Kim

My breath clouds the chilly winter air in the indigo world that exists in that precious moment just before the sun breaks the horizon. I can feel icy tentacles of cold invading my toes, fingers, and drafty jacket. A sliver of ocher sunlight stains the icicles on the razor wire red, a macabre prophecy for any foolish enough to approach. Clouds and snowdrifts dress themselves in oranges, violets, and indescribable greens in anticipation of the storm which is certain to come before nightfall. Eventually that great sphere of flame clears the horizon and forces me to turn away from the sight. Blueish afterimages burned into my retina the only thing not blurred by my tears. I try to blink them away and find the crystals frozen to my eyelashes. Plucking them with numb fingers brings pain, and clears my head. I resume walking the quarter mile circle that is the perimeter of my current cage with one last glance at the now empty horizon.

Amber Fayefox Kim 315649 (please note that mail must be addressed to "Bryan Kim")
P.O. Box 777
Monroe, WA 98272-0777

Amber is a thirty year old transwoman serving life without the possibility of parole in Washington State. She is an activist, witch, student, writer, and not about to let some middling prison walls stand in the way of her dreams.To learn more about Amber, please check out her blog:

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

2009/2010 Texas Death Row Religious Landscape Survey

(Admin note: This entry has been delayed for several weeks due to "technical difficulties". I apologise for the delay)

Unlike nearly every other entry on this website, today’s offering is not my fault. Well, mostly not my fault. Like the vast majority of mankind’s triumphs and train wrecks, the blame for this rests solely on the shoulders of a woman. A little over a year ago, I was having a very pleasant visit with a lady friend. The topics of conversation ranged from the mundane to the esoteric, and since my friend is a highly religious individual (Tina – I know, I know, sorry; read “person of deep faith”), the topic of religious beliefs eventually came up. She was a bit horrified to learn that – unlike the prisons she has ministered to back East – Texas Death Row inmates are allowed no access to religious services, and rarely, (if ever) see a chaplain. In frustration, she finally belted out, “Well, then, what do the men believe in?” I gave her a fairly general response, based on pieces of overheard conversations or personal testimonies: mostly Protestants, with some smattering of Catholics and Muslims; varying strengths of conviction, depending upon how close each man was to being exterminated by the State; selective amnesia over most portions of their holy documents, save for the portions which release them from fear or help them deal with life in this carceral nightmare, etc, etc. The visit soon ended, but the question stuck with me, because, in truth, my answer was little better than a cheap approximation or cynical quip. True, some men here do wear their team’s colors on their sleeves, proclaiming at high volume the rightness of their ideological selections (we have more than a handful of “touched by the spirit” day-room ministers here, let me tell you). We all know the type, and I suspect that the percentage of such people in my world is roughly equivalent to that of your own (except here, you cant change the channel). But even if I appreciated the cheap pathos of such displays (I do not), it hardly seems fair that I hyper-generalized everyone here into categories consisting of religious sheep calmly baa-ing their way into oblivion, or dogmatic wolves honing their credibility enhancing displays. In short, I had given a stupid and flippant response to a genuine question and I regretted it. I didn’t have an accurate answer, so, like I said, the question stuck with me.

So, how to answer it? It can be a somewhat delicate operation, asking personal questions in prison. Some are merely suspicious; some take it as an invasion of their privacy. Still, it seemed to me at the time that if I went about it in the right way, certain questions could be asked which would not result in me getting speared, an experience I could rather do without, thank you. I admit, the more I thought about it, the more the little OCD gremlins in my head got worked up into a lather. The summa of about a week of planning was my “2009 Death Row Religious Landscape Survey”, version 1.0, which I began to inflict upon my neighbors over several days in May of 2009, to much fanfare and brief applause.

Ok, no applause, because version 1.0 was an abysmal failure. The reasons for this were entirely my own: I had never undertaken the development of a survey before, and my enthusiasm far outpaced my knowledge and abilities. I stopped administering version 1.0 after only five men, far short of the thirty I had initially set as my goal. Without wasting too much time on unnecessary details, several of the key fatal errors included: giving the survey at high volume while standing on the DAYROOMS to men in nearby cells (a failure not only based on the difficulty of properly communicating the questions and responses, but also dealing with the refusal of some of the men to answer truthfully to questions which might affect their tough-guy images), a great deal of unintentional ambiguity in the questions themselves (which, I later learned after doing some research, was giving my personal, scornful views of some faiths an opportunity to affect the responses, a concept known as “fluidity”, which even works on a sub or unconscious level in the mind of the pollster), and, worst of all, no way to compare the responses of the men with similar answers to people in the freeworld. Without this comparison, my poll lacked a means for any of you to approach it, or to give the answers some context. As I said, version 1.0 was an unmitigated mess.

At least failures have the good grace to show us the path forward. I quickly set out to make version 2.0 both interesting and methodologically correct. To start with, I consulted one of the largest and most respected polling organizations in the country, the Pew Research Center. My friend Eric was able to download and then mail me the results of a massive religion study completed in 2008, called the “U.S. Religious Landscape Survey.” You can see the original Pew survey HERE.

Here, I had a much more developed framework for reformulating my own survey. Many of my original sixteen questions (twelve, to be specific) were already included in the Pew study, in some form or fashion. I studied this survey extensively, and then used what I had learned to create a final list of fifty-three questions which I felt would go a long way towards illustrating exactly what the condemned think, apropos the god hypothesis. I decided to make many of my own questions mirror very closely those in the Pew study, so that I could then compare and contrast the views. (There are obvious reasons for wanting to see what similarities and disparities exist between these two groups, but I also had another hypothesis I wanted to test, which I will go into later). Some questions, however, are unique to my survey, especially those pertaining to shifting theological and ontological beliefs as one’s execution date draws near. As you can probably imagine, many of the original Pew questions simple do not apply to individuals living under isolation conditions, and these questions were discarded. (For example, questions revolving around church attendance or the state of our purchasing power have no importance in this context.) In any case, had I made the survey any longer, I doubt I could have forced anyone to participate. All in all, I think I reached a happy Goldilocks medium which is both elucidative and concise.

In the Pew study, there is a nifty little section on methodology, which I read with great gusto, but which turned out to be basically worthless to me. Weighty terms like “Deming algorithms” sound kind of cool (if you are a dork), but are rather worthless when I am having to smuggle my survey from my cell to the dayrooms. What I mean to say is, there is the perfect way of doing something, and then the best way presently available, and I think it would be obvious which direction I was forced to go most of the time. In the end, I decided not to poll anyone from the internal dayrooms; instead, I conducted the entire survey one-on-one in the OUTSIDE REC CAGES which we have access to twice a week. This is the only time in our lives when we are allowed any sort of opportunity to socialize. You are still separated from the other inmate by iron bars and steel mesh, but at least you don’t have to shout at each other to be heard, and there is some small sense of privacy. Getting the guys alone vastly improved the quality of the responses. In the dayrooms, the men had given me fairly boilerplate answers, but outside, they were very enthusiastic about the survey. Like most people, these convicts most want to be heard when they are afraid or confused. I was, and am, impressed with the candor of many, and humbled by the willingness of everyone to participate.

One methodological error that I was never able to correct, however, was a lack of “random” polling. I only had access to the men on A-Pod for this study, so I was limited to roughly 60 individuals. In the end, after refusals, I was able to poll exactly fifty men. I had hoped to reach one hundred, but a long expected cell-migration never materialized, and it simply became too difficult to reach more men than I had already spoken to. Indeed, it took me just over nine months to get that many, and the guards were clearly on to me. Still, fifty represents about one sixth the current Texas Death Row population, so it is a significant sample, by any measure. Honestly, I don’t think a lack of random polling really matters that much, because this is a targeted survey of Death Row inmates, but I wanted to be clear about how I organized this. I was very fortunate to be able to reach the men on Death Watch, with execution dates imminent. To my knowledge, there is absolutely nothing comparable to my survey in existence anywhere, so, errors aside, I think some of you will find it interesting.

As to how well I covered up my own opinions about organized religion, I definitely focused on my poker face during version 2.0. I do not feel that the men felt pressured to answer one way or another. Though I am not shy about commenting about such things online, few people here are aware of my skeptical views, and, as I said, I was always very cognizant of asking the questions free of inflection or emotion. I also asked some final questions about the actual survey itself (which are not included) to test this, and I think I can say with a strong degree of certainty that nearly all of these men would be immensely surprised to learn of my agnostic-deist-Buddhist-secular humanist tendencies. (…WTF do you call that, anyways? Until I can invent a better term, just add me officially to the roles of the CHURCH OF THE FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER.) In short, I truly believe that the responses are close or exact barometers to what these men really believe. (Or, rather, what they believe they believe…)

Two more short points before I give you the link to the survey: first, I want to thank Kent and Tanya Whitaker for taking the raw data and digitizing it. If the final product impresses you for its aesthetic qualities, it is they who deserve the praise for this, not me. My survey was a rat’s nest of graph paper, and they turned it into something damned impressive. Thanks for humoring me on this, and on all of my other silly little projects.

Secondly, the price: unlike all of my other writings, I am charging USD$5.00 for a digital download of my survey. My reasons are varied: first of all, I spent over two hundred hours on this project, and while I am firmly in the camp who casts a disapproving eye on inmates attempting to make a buck, I don’t think my earning 2 cents an hour is really going to bother anyone. Second, I have been trying to collect funds for my next semester of college correspondence courses for a while now, with only minor success. My goals are very modest in this respect: if I can sell two hundred copies, I will be able to afford another six hours of courses. While I am perfectly aware of how simple it would be to hack me on this, I am hoping you will be honest, and help me pursue the noble goal of educating myself. If you want multiple copies, well, just pay for them and skip your Starbucks tomorrow, please. I also intend to take Kent and Tanya out to dinner for the work they did, and I probably owe the guys at the Apple store’s Genius Bar in Sugarland a round of drinks, too.

Ok, without further ado, HERE you can purchase my study. It will be in PDF format. My intention is to touch on a few of these graphs now, and then slowly talk more about all of them in the future. I also would like to hear your comments/thoughts on why some trends seem to be taking place. Each graph contains quite a bit of information, which should provide some fodder for some good discussions.

So, lets dive right in: below, you will find four sample questions, viewable in PDF format.

GRAPH 1 What was your religious affiliation at the time of your conviction?

GRAPH 2 What is your present religious affiliation if any?

GRAPH 7 Should churches and other houses of worship keep out of political matters or should they express their views on day-to-day social and political questions?

GRAPH 8 Evolution is the best explanation for the origins of human life on Earth….

What was your religious affiliation at the time of your conviction? - Graph 1

The first and second graphs actually go together, and are amongst the most simple of all the questions. They are important, however, as they lay a framework for understanding all that follows. In the first, we are given a positioning of belief at the time of conviction, i.e., just before the men arrived on Death Row. You will notice a heavy tilting towards Protestant Christianity, particularly of the Baptist variety (this is Texas, after all). Catholics make a strong showing, primarily amongst the Latinos. (A later question explores the relationship of race to religious preference.) This question can be compared to Q16 in the Pew Survey, to see how representative Death Row is as a microcosm of the U.S. The numbers for Protestants in the U.S., for example, hovers around 51.3%, while in my survey they check in at 56%. Catholics polled at 24% in both surveys, so we can see that - at least in some categories – the religious beliefs of Texas Death Row inmates closely mirror those of the general public. (Note: when reading all the graphs, statistics for main categories are pushed to left side of the columns, such as for Mormons or Muslims. If a category has many subgroups, the figures for these subgroups are pushed to the right side of each column, as in for the Methodists or Agnostics. Keep in mind that these subgroups statistics are a part of the main category's numbers.)

What is your present religious affiliation, if any? – Graph 2

Graph 2 presents the religious preferences of the men at the time of the survey, and the disparities between the first and second graphs clearly show the effects of a death sentence on religious faith. As you can see, a series of massive shifts has taken place. Faced with the ultimate punishment, and forced to live under atrocious LIVING CONDITIONS, standard religious positions seem to fare very poorly. Mortal dancer seems to breed introspection, which in turn causes more rigidly dogmatic positions to crumble. As you can see, Protestant Christianity, in particular, suffers from a mass exodus, a trend which is mirrored in the country at large, but clearly accelerated in my study. It would seem that the road to Damascus is, indeed, a two-way street. Certain denominations (such as the Church of Christ, Episcopalians, and the Lutherans) disappear completely from the poll, and these fields are removed from future graphs. Baptist Christianity suffers a major decline, and the reasons for this probably need some special explanation. I suspect that the SBC’s continued (and very vocal) support for state-sanctioned murder has some effect here, as local churches refuse to stand up for the interests of inmate believers. The fact that every single hate letter I have ever heard of was written by a self-professed evangelical certainly influences the beliefs of some of the men in a negative way. Finally all of the chaplains here seem to be Baptists, and - even though I've not even seen one in 18 months – I remember that the last time one came to my cell, it was only to scream about redemption and hellfire, which is enough to make anyone start asking about the Buddha.

To prove that external support/fellowship does have an effect on the men, I give you the case of the Quakers. There were no Quakers in the first graph, but we see that field added in Graph 2, running at 4%. This is due to the fact that the Quakers actively assist several men here, and often come up to the unit to minister to more. People respond to kindness in my world, too, and this effect is quantitatively expressed here.

By and large, these cast-offs from the isles of Christ seem not to have turned their backs on God. You can see how the ranks of certain other faiths were strengthened, such as the Orthodox Christians (two of which were Greek Orthodox, one Eastern Orthodox) and the Buddhists (one of whom seemed to follow some mixture of Mahayana and Vajrayana Buddhism; the two others subscribed to Theravada Buddhism). The Muslims also increased, due in part to a strong African American movement present in most prisons. All of the Muslims in this poll were followers of the Nation of Islam.

Several less conventional faiths also did very well, such as the Wiccans and those who consider themselves “spiritual but not religious”. These are listed together under the main category of “Other Faiths”, and I do not mean to marginalize them by calling them “Other”; I simply did not know how to classify their very diverse beliefs. There is a Pagan in this group as well, and his responses were particularly interesting, as I was pretty ignorant of the “activities” of the Norse pantheon, pre-survey. That said, his responses were devilishly difficult to fit into my categories; in fact, I had to make some additional column choices, just for him.

By far, however, the category which benefited the most from Christianity's decline was the one I have labeled as the “Unaffiliated”. This trend was mirrored in the Pew Study as well as the “Rise of the Nones”, which was an oft-discussed and debated and fretted over phenomenon in certain circles. This category includes atheists, agnostics, freethinkers, Deists, pantheists (of most stripes but particularly of the Spinoza type), and, most of all, those who simply prefer not to be associated with titles or churches. It would be a mistake to think of the “Nones” as being largely godless, however. Most of them do have faith in something; some of them have systems of belief just as well-developed as the most devout Muslim or Evangelical. They do seem to be more accepting of the beliefs of others, more open to free inquiry, and they all maintained a healthy dislike for religious authority, believing that the clearest way to the Numinous runs not through Mecca, Rome or Pat Robertson, but through themselves. Note that this group almost always polls on the opposing end of the spectrum from the Baptists and Muslims, giving one a snapshot of America in forty years or so.

Should churches and other houses of worship keep out of political matters or should they express their views on day-to-day social and political questions? – Graph 7

This question goes to the heart of just how active churches ought to be in American society. Amongst the Protestants you will detect a trend that seems to run through most of the questions, namely that the Methodists and the Quakers seem to poll in similar ways. Their responses seem to fall under the heading of “liberal” Christianity, and these groups often find themselves in the company of the Buddhists, the “Others”, and the “Nones”. Typically, the Baptists, Pentecostals, and Non-Denominationalists flocked together, especially on social-issues questions. They usually polled in similar fashion to the Muslims and the Mormons. All of these trends are in line with the Pew poll. I did have fewer “Don’t Know” responses in my study, and I am not exactly sure how to explain this. Maybe it is easier to admit ignorance to someone over the phone than in person; perhaps the presence of immediate death forces the men to focus more on some issues; or maybe convicts are just more opinionated than your average citizen (that last one gets my vote). I’d be interested in any theories any of you have on this point.

Evolution is the best explanation for the origins of human life on Earth… - Graph 8

I particularly enjoyed watching the men mull over the importance of the word “best” in this question. Frankly, I was way off in my expectations on this one. (In the interest of full disclosure, I should state that I am a huge proponent of evolutionary theory. Note, I didn’t say I “believed” in it. Rather, I have studied the evidence, which is incontrovertible, and this is a very different process than simply putting one’s faith in something. If you don’t quite know what you think on this issue, I highly recommend Richard Dawkin’s book “The Greatest Show on Earth” or “Climbing Mount Improbable”.) I really thought I was going to be drowning in a lot of creationist mumbo-jumbo on this one, but I didn’t even need to bring a life preserver. I was really proud of the guys for having done some study on this subject. This one definitely required me to keep my opinions to myself, but I pulled it off. As you can see, a majority of the men preferred the theory of evolution to its alternatives. Compared to the equivalent question in the Pew Study (Q10c), the trends also hew closely to the national model. Evangelical churches, Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses, and Muslims tended to fall on the disagree end of the spectrum, while mainline Protestants, Buddhists, the “Others”, and the “Nones” tended to agree. Catholics were all over the map on both surveys, but in the Pew Study the majority leaned in favor of evolution, while in my study, they leaned the other way. I believe the explanation for this is mostly cultural: many of the Catholics in my study were born in countries where the Catholic Church is still very powerful, and where the education systems do not teach Darwin’s theory. This is an interesting question to compare to graph number 24: “Do you think angels and demons are active in the world?” I will touch on this comparison in a later post.

Well let me know what you think of all of this. I know I’m just a loser convict, but I put a lot of work into this project, and I think it answers some questions that nobody has ever even bothered to ask before. I’m actually fairly proud of the final version. Now that I am off Level and back on a regular pod, I have a whole new crop of victims, er, “participants” to pester, so I might try to expand beyond my original fifty responses later this year. It is probably obvious that my main focus here is on how these conditions affect the spiritual lives on the condemned, and what it would mean for a punishment to kill both body and soul (use whatever definition for soul which best floats your boat). My take is, nobody, nobody has the right to make a human being live in such a way that they lose all contact with a god that they have believed in all their lives. Is that happening here? Analyze the results for yourself, and decide.

I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!" "Why shouldn't I?" he said. I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!" He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?" He said, "Religious." I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?" He said, "Christian." I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?" He said, "Baptist!" I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?" He said, "Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you reformed Baptist Church of God?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!" I said, "Me too! Are you reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?" He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!" I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

- Emo Phillips

© Copyright 2010 by Thomas Bartlett Whitaker. All rights reserved

Friday, September 10, 2010

Poetry by Richard Sean Gross

Light & Time
by Richard Sean Gross

can't see light, so much time
long dark night of the soul
it's not right, so much time
time enough for everything
no more kite, so much time
who can give me a light?

by Richard Sean Gross

they say i dont know what to say
they act like i dont know how to act
they think i don't think
i feel them, but i got this.

by Richard Sean Gross

I, I'm, I'm a, I'm an,
I man, I manage, I'm an age, I'm an agent,
4 change.

A Thing Of Beauty
by Richard Sean Gross

First time in a prison cell
A bare concrete floor and a cinderblock wall
I’m scared, confused, alone with no bail
No lawyer, and no friends at all
There’s a metal toilet and a metal vent
The air is cold and stale

Outside the window, more to the jail
In the concrete courtyard I see a green shoot
Stuck in a crack, a lonely weed
Born of a windblown seed, wall at it’s back
Putting down roots, pushing skyward
It is unloved, unwanted, unneeded, like me
Fighting for life against odds

Determined to grow, thrive in this place
This place of forgotten seeds
This little weed has something to say
“I’m here, I’m alive, get out of my way”
This living beauty doesn’t care it’s in a prison
It found earth, air, and water here
It’s making its way onward, upward

This weed is what I need to see
I have a life to live, stories to tell
I can’t win, I’m guilty as sin, but I’ll grow in this concrete shell
I’m here, I’m alive with a million ideas
I’ll find out what my life is really about
I’ll find a way out.

by Richard Sean Gross

Blind in prison
I cannot see my pen pals
Can’t see the places they describe
Don’t really know where they are
They tell me of experiences I can’t relate to
Limited to last century’s technology
Cloistered in this concrete convent
Never used a cell phone
I want to see the ocean

Prison is blind
They only want your number not your name
Only see your browns not your face
Classified and categorized statistically
Level 3, LIFE, W, M, five-seven
You are a commodity to be shelved
A warehouse of forgotten humanity
I can only describe this to them
My pen pals cannot see it

An essay-poem by Richard Sean Gross

That’s what the menu calls it but it isn’t actually either one
Most certainly not what anyone would call stuffed cabbage
Not what I would label a casserole yet I don’t know what it is
My prison stretches definitions to suit their needs

The menu is full of dishes that sound much better than they taste
Meals that make men go to bed hungry - an unconstitutional punishment
The kind of punishment that turns kids into thieves, then delinquents
Then on through the pipeline to unemployment and incarceration

I worry that someone somewhere thinks the food sounds good
“Oooh, they’re eating Poultry Parmesan and Oriental Poultry Pasta”
“No wonder they keep going back to prison over and over”
“I bet they lay around waiting to be served”

I hear those who say that if people come back to jail, it must be kay
It pains me that people could be so unaware, people who might otherwise care
It’s not that prison is a nice place, it’s that outside’s a rat race
For those who get out it’s hard: No car, no job, no credit card

Everyone who’s leaving says: “This time will be different”
Some say “I won’t do drugs this time” - I believe them
Others say “ I hope I don’t do drugs this time” - I worry
Some are back so fast I should say ‘see ya’ instead of ‘goodbye’

It takes more than jaul to cure addictions
Leaving men hungry doesn’t eliminate want
Incarceration’s isolation exacerbates mental illness
This place isn’t solving the problems that bring people here

Things are not always as they seem
Stuff we’re served ain’t what we ordered
Taxpayers are not well served
Neither at those who eat here

By Richard Sean Gross

A poem to a phoenix rising in Pennsylvania - a place which tries my patience
Blinding white concrete & shiony concertina construct this carceral cathedral
This monument to mass incarceration in it’s twilight
Long delayed & litigated - smaller portions on smaller trays
Costing north of 400 mil. - still not done on arrival
Our most famous resident is Cosby - most guys here are long forgotten
Built for security & isolation not for ease of movement
Waiting at doors opened from afar - nuisance for both staff and resident
Cell lights turned on nocturnally from a distant control
They don’t seem to know just how they want to run it
They’ll figure it out without me - run it without scrutiny
We managed to leave the mice & roaches behind
I’m sure they’re lookin’ for us - I bet they’ll find
This place of no escape

by Richard Sean Gross

Wetzel wanted to close it so bad for so long
Wanted to bury it’s rep, it’s culture, it’s pride
The way it just kind of ran itself
Got rid of protesters, complainers, and troublemakers
It will be different at Phoenix they told us
We will run it like in the mountains they said
Tried to convince us and themselves
Vandalized our meager possessions
As they took us to an unfinished jail
They brought along the same old staff
All their buddies, rats, and bad habits
Bright white concrete and shiny concertina
In the pictures they showed the press
A place is the people who populate it
Things may change but they stay the same
Seven years they planned it’s demise
Yet somehow in some way it did survive
Phoenix has the ghosts of Graterford inside

by Richard Sean Gross

There are people with six figure salaries
Who cough up security protocols
Solving problems that don’t exist
Creating hassles for lower ranks

There are people with 6 figure salaries
Who chisel pennies away from prisoners
Trimming budgets for libraries and programs
Trying to cut as much as they earn

There are people with six figure salaries
Tightening belts for lower officials
While growing fat on tax dollars
Controlling lives of people they don’t see

There are people with 6 figure salaries
Awarding lucrative contracts
To well connected companies
For a free lunch

By Richard Sean Gross

You’ve seen others like it so it shouldn’t be hard to
Picture this car up on blocks in the yard with weeds around
Sixties model rolled off the line shiny new and baby blue
It was cool, fast, im[pulsive - ahead of its time
Alright on the straightaways - loved to hug them curves
Not disciplined for racing - more the awesome party car
It saw some places did some wild stuff outran the cops
Had a pretty good run before it got impounded
Something wrong with it wrecked itself - people got killed
Was a time I knew it needed fixing - wasn’t sure how
The age at which I needed to was not the age at which I could
Now I know I can fix it - finally got the right tools
Will I get the chance the time or will it rust away?
Time is not a friend to an old car sitting idle

Rust takes metal back to dirt
We all end up this way
Ashes ashes we all fall
Maybe I will run again

By Richard Sean Gross

Thought about standing
So they knocked him flat
Face against concrete
When they let him up
On his knees
Said ‘ thank you’
For what?

Blues Alive 
by Richard Sean Gross

Here 3 months without yard
Now only every other day
Record rainfall this year
Cold when it’s not wet
If only a few show up
They take my yard
As if it’s my fault
Finally I get there
Walk for an hour
Feels like
I’m going somewhere
Feel alive

About a Mushroom 
by Richard Sean Gross
A poem about a food I haven't had in 17 years.

In the dark
Anchored in dung
Reaching for the stars
A psychedelic cousin outside the law
This one's a fun guy -ideal dinner guest
Destined for a pizza pie or a creamy soup

by Richard Sean Gross

white plastic spoon
stirring coffee
easily discarded
only used once
gigantic planet
essential to life
destroyed by a plastic spoon
used only once

About A Tree
by Richard Sean Gross

There's this tree at the bend in the road
Been there forever
|t's an Oak or a Birch. I don't really know
Big thick around
The scars make it a beautiful tree
Sturdy old tree
Trouble is, cars hit this tree all the time
Some have died
County wants to chop it down
Safety, they say
Sits right there, can't jump out of the way
This killer tree
Waving its leaves at drunk drivers
Trying its best
A tree of life or a tree of death
Don’t really know
Gotta' kill it before it kills again
Death penalty
A tree don't have no right to life
Gonna' miss it

by Richard Sean Gross

Trump is a czar among mere men
Somehow He won the election
With help from Vladimir Putin
He reminds me of Richard Nixon
Without the foreign policy acumen
He gave a belligerent speech at the UN
Delegates gasped as he vowed destruction
He has very little respect for women
Or America's tradition of immigration
If the people really want a Republican
Why not a Bush, or Pence, or Speaker Ryan?
There'd be less damage to our reputation
And less risk of Armageddon!

by Richard Sean Gross

I know the reason for day and night
but not who invented fluorescent light
I know the reason for snow and rain
but not for memory loss from my brain
I know the reason why animals mate
but not the reason for religious hate
I understand why things are warm or cold
but not why some die young and others old
I know why there are seasons in the year
but not exactly why we are here
I understand memory storage and retrieval
but not why there is good and evil
I know why people lose teeth on meth
but not the reasons for life and death
l know I got fences to mend

but not when the world will end

Me Write Goodly
By Richard Sean Gross

Me write goodly some year.
Me want to spell wrong less.
A story untold, me will find.
A story of fear?
A crime to confess?
Murder most unkind?

To bring to one´s eye, a tear.
To raise their consciousness,
By expressing the angst of my mind.

The prologue, the epilogue, the Captain´s log.
Scattered in my head, wanting to be read.
The play with the protagonist and the clever plot.
Found in a bog?
Is he dead?
Was he shot?

It´s up there somewhere in my mind´s fog.
What the character said, and where that led.
The clue left by the antagonist that connected the dot.

I say funny stuff all the time.
I know how the movie should have ended.
I´ve seen it all, it´s not that hard.
A mountain to climb?
A mountain defended?
By the National Guard?

I can write and make it rhyme.
I will have the viewer´s belief suspended.
I shall be a prolific and witty bard.

People will know I´m clever and wise.
Enjoying a life of wealth and fame.
The awards I win will fit a shelf.
An arrow flies?
A deadly game?
A wicked elf?

My bank account will grow in size.
Everyone will know my name.
Am I getting too far ahead of myself?

A Poetic Editorial
By Richard Sean Gross

This is my fight poem
My shining light poem
My own insights poem.

This is my Death by Incarceration is not right poem
My people lose their sight because money is tight poem
My economic inequality is at its height poem

This is my nuclear war fever fright poem
My students don´t learn to write poem
My streets aren´t safe at night poem

This is my complaints are trite poem
My price of Kite, line of sight, night too bright;
Is it important? Not quite poem

This is my hate is not alright poem
My bigoted speakers excite rioter´s delight poem
My alt-right, crystal night, anti-white, bomb inflight, flash mob incite poem

This is my issues we need to fight poem
This is my poverty plight, might makes right, urban blight, religious right,
Black v white, refugees in flight, gunfight poem.

Ode To A Survivor
By Richard Sean Gross

It must be hard to withstand the pain
Just as hard to keep yourself sane

It must be hard to bear the shame
When someone close was to blame.

It must be hard to deal with the hurt
After someone made you feel like dirt

Hard not to think of suicide
Hurting like you are on the inside

Hard to find an inner peace
When the horror will never cease.

Hard to live with the flashbacks
While they still deny the facts

Hard to love and trust
Though you know you must

Do not let it destroy your mind
An inner strength you will find.

Holy War
By Richard Sean Gross

War machines keep turning
In the Holy Land
Strewn about bodies burning
On the schorched sand
Border lines and blurring
Attacks are planned
Peace they are spurning
Victories are grand
Soldiers rise and are stirring
To make their stand
So many are mourning
Death routine and bland
For PEACE people are yearning
Maybe by GOD´s hand.

Lifer´s Limerick
By Richard Sean Gross

There once was a man at Graterford
Doing life for committing a murd…
I´d rather not say, maybe you heard.

Long ago, a terrible incident occurred 
His public defender was a useless nerd
Mitigating factors ignored and blurred

His death in prison is virtually assured
So probation on the tail is really absurd
How could he report after being interred?

Years of drudgery, he has endured
Flushed away by society, like a turd
Behind the wall like a wingless bird.

A debt to society he has incurred
For all the people he has injured
A life of pleasure must be deferred.

A desire to help others has been stirred
A world in pain needs to be cured
Using all of the power of the word.

Smart Communications/PA DOC
Richard Sean Gross FF9878
SCI Phoenix
P.O. Box 33028
St. Petersburg, FL 33733

Monday, September 6, 2010

Art and Poetry by Dewan Evans

Who Am I?
By Dewan Evans

dedicated to the black lives that have been taking or wounded without a cause those that have been wounded ,mentally and physically families who are victims of losing there loved ones by scandalous authorities and racial ones ! for no reason at all! the excuse they use is he or she was a threat by authority how can a skin tone be a threat ?a weapon? that part ! senseless by all means! black lives we are not target practice and we should not be hunted judged by the color of our skin where we reside how we dress what music we listen to. instead of making a situation bigger than what it is authorities defuse it with the category to what it many senseless shootings ,killings and mistreatment of those of color its not a myth only fact ..injustice is real rascisim still is afloat in this world and that should be a crime and there is no reason for racism to breath! it's senseless on all measures beyond the skin we all are the same color .but to my people brothers and sisters of the African american community stay strong stay united keep each other built up as those of the world in all skin tones the beautiful souls we lost you will never be forgotten...

a black man
a son of a mother that rest in peace 
a grandson of a grandmother 
that stood her ground for civil rights in them streets
a black man human by design
I walk with my head up
tho the world don't want to see me shine
I'm a innocent prisoner, father 
railroaded by the system
how many lives of my people
will it take for equal living
far from playing victim
how many excuses will they give for killing
authorities abusing they power
racism blooming like wild flowers
why the hate when we all bleed the same
got to make a better way
for generations on the way
if the world turns backwards
no one is safe 
witness anarchy in broad day
we all take a stand 
that mean every color of skin
why should a young black man be afraid to grin
got to bring this nation to one
before its lost in the wind
black lives matter
so does other colors of skin
let's embrace in prayer
for those we lost
never forget there name
pray their lives be a reason for better days
despite the damage and pain
forever they will be thanked for a gift
called change!!!!!
"forever angels rain" evans. t.s.d.e.ink5

My Life the World's Life
Spoken word by Dewan Evans

why they lie on me 
locked two decades in the penitentiary
no I'm not looking for sympathy
warrior heart within me
I gave to much of my heart
now its turned envy
with a protector plus a barrier
I say my prayers
still deal with hysteria
to many fake ones get close to try to bury ya!
I climbed the same mountain many times
still faced with troubled times
if you could rewind
see a youngin with no umbrella in the rain
I remember surviving the streets at a early age
roaming ,clueless,fears and bad decisions
from birth the plan was winning
when I look back I was up against it
not perfect! wrongs I wish repentance
who would dream of life in prison
with facts your innocent 
many lose their diligence
dreams and aspirations
we can only pray for a equal world
a better just nation we all bleed the same
just different colors of representation
"my life the worlds life is what I'm saying "

By Dewan Evans

police can kill you just because
dodge a life sentence just because
one like me get a life sentenced just because
false allegations no donations
so a public defender pretends with presentation
no worries bout they life they taking 
authority shouldn't give you advantage of the outcome
especially when it's unjust
to many innocent ones judged just because 
where their from the color they was born with
no equal rights turn the world
crazier than a mosh pit
casualties ,vengeance, 
from those who felt they didn't have a fair one
not scared of a life sentence till they death come
scary for those in America
just like corona virus floating through the barriers
if change is not made 
the world will turn to its old ways
that means the youth is not safe 
especially the ones with color in their skin
they say violence is not right
when you get killed by authorities unjust
tell us how to live, tell us how to grieve!
George Floyd screamed he couldn't breathe
till he couldn't breathe now he rest in peace
but the streets filled with agony
family forever mourning the tragedy
things got to change before the world lose its sanity
(r.I.p . George Floyd to all those fallen by the law inside and outside.....)

Riding Still Fighting
By Dewan Evans

I'm riding still fighting to the end
turned antisocial due to fake friends
they smiled in my face only to watch me drown in the end
I was up against it hundred years never coming back
I remember not caring bout life after that
trapped in a cage for days
imagine being wounded for days
that's a innocent man in the cage
full of rage
mainly cause he was betrayed
how you post to look at life today
embrace love people say
two decades locked away
my heart turned stray
moms died then grand ma passed away
I was contemplating my last day
wonder how I could die without thinking
I was slowly sinking /so deep you couldn't reach in
nights I talked to god wondering how the devil crept in
love never been my best friend
she claimed to love me only wishing my downfall at the end
its still a dagger in me being stripped away from my kids
grand ma used to tell me never give!
so here I stand still fighting to the end!

By Dewan Evans

it may be just words, but words are my heartbeat
everything between you and me
I just want the best no matter what we seek
life filled with heartbreak
pain unbearable
make love not legible
I'm emotionally scared
betrayed by so called trues
but sometime you got to reach for the stars
drop your guards
maybe we're the ones ,to heal each others scars
only got one life to live,before we pass the stars
I remember when happiness seem so far
I remember giving it my all
till my heart got scared
turned cold held no regards
decision making was'nt good at all
one thing for sure 
you learn from downfalls
or continue to fall
I only want better for us after all
am I wrong for chasing my heart?
not a perfect man 
but i got a better heart ,changed my ways
only want us connected sharing better days
being each others umbrella when it rains
"better days"

By Dewan Evans

believed he could fly 
dominated the game
perserverd through the downfalls
only to be a greater father 
a better icon for the futrure ones on the rise
number 8 los Angeles pride
that will be with us forever
as giania the black mamba
look over us in the sky
the day i heard brought tears to my eyes
why do legends got to die
why we all can't stay alive
with no tribulations in this world
Kobe you will be missed 
but you gave the world a reward
blessings to your FAM 
hope they stay strong as they mourn
when the rain pours
know its the angels that soar 
reminisce on true ones lost in the storm

Lost in Love 
By Dewan Evans

I don't want to get lost in love again
it felt so good like my best friend 
when its all gone
its a pain that never ends 
I don't want to get lost in love again
tho my heart felt invincible, when it had love within
believed I could fly
thought I had happiness that would never end
never do I want to get lost in love again
why it lie to me ? like it was it was a never end
did everything right let my fears go within
put my heart on my sleeve had love in my dreams
now it seem like a skeme
love was never on my team
or was it just not meant to be
if that was the case why love sing a melody to me
made a promise to never leave
I don't want to get lost in love again
cause when its gone this pain is a never end!

A Better World One Mission
By Dewan Evans

been up against it 
is this life real? some times I wish 
I had blind vision,things I seen
been more than disturbing 
did more than blur my vision 
imagine a voice with no tune 
a mind with a disturbed fuse 
a heart with no feelings 
some think these words are just kidding 
these are emotions in existence 
you can hear the cries for help
just listen....
we to caught up in the devils mischief
selfish presverations
if lives matter 
let's start demonstrating
no bullets for the guns 
unless its war for our nation
to many innocent lives been taken
innocent ones locked down
for money ,politics ,plus entertainment
justice system a front 
no need for arraingments
cause you labeled guilty
walking in with the bailiff
its a cold world 
only money for the natives
why slaves don't get incentives
that right there you got to feel it!
no matter your skin color you representing!

Innocent One
By Dewan Evans

all I have is one wing 
but I'm still trying to soar
born fighter my heart holds a roar
maybe because 
pain and depression struggles as adolescent
sometimes death was a suggestion
a cold thought
for a youth just progressing
in a world where the poor suffer
where the riches numb the pain
reasons many go against the grain
I witness my mommas pain
way before my father ran away
I was lost like a stray 
at a early age
tried to find my way
like a early bird falling from the nest
so much pain in my chest
my faith began less
despite the prayers my gram stressed!
far from perfect 
god still blessed
a born sinner a lost child
gave me chances ,chances
the pressure felt like avalanches
decisions was stagnate
felt like the devil had me trapped in!
with no way to win!
I'm a survivor still trying to swim
in this pool of life
hoping I can make it to shore again!!

imagine the truth hidden
By Dewan Evans

imagine the truth hidden 
a fatal truth that dictates a life span
of a young man
who had chances to be grand
to shine over horizons
shine for millions of man
be the reason his family stands
but sabataoged by liars
no justice! 
a innocent man under fire
labled a criminal and monster
to a world that's bonkers
to a world that believes 
the justice system has no tricks up their sleeve
like working inmates like slavery
a public defender assigned to you
but he to lazy to him your guilty!
no if and or maybes
so the weak comp a plea
just to save thee possibllity
they can be one day free
a man was once guilty for thirty years
come to find out he was innocent 
for all them years 
now at sixty they let him clear 
like we were wrong enjoy your years
where's the justice at there?
these are real life affairs
truth is many reside inside here
I am one of them !!
one of them by :dewan Evans 

Never Again
By Dewan Evans

never again will i set myself up for failure
she used to make my days better 
she used to be my golden treasure 
my go to when my mind needed better
"never again" 
will I open my heart to early 
cause now its broke apart 
I dreamed after dark 
pictrued days of us embraced in parks 
she had my whole heart 
mind body and soul 
"never again" 
will I get to attached 
where I can't let go 
if its true what they say when you walk under a rainbow 
hope I'm blessed a angel 
my heart need healing as well a halo
"never again" 
will I let the days go 
like I'm blind like I can't see the signs 
"never again" 
will I be the blame for 
losing a heaven sent angel 
self inflicted pain restless nights 
to weak to fight so down my soul wants to take flight 
"never again"
will I miss my prayers at night 
not be grateful for the days I had sight
"never again "
will I under estimate life 
"never again" 

Only God Knows 
By Dewan Evans

my high my lows 
truth that was never exposed 
only god knows 
my heart how my mind got exposed 
my faults that I can only take blame for 
only god knows 
my pain my shame 
I spent days going against the grain
cause I felt that was the way 
tho I was taught to pray 
when they weren't answered 
I felt like god ran away 
left me here on this earth stray
i'm more wiser today
no lie it took me time to build back my faith 
I'm trying to over come 
like the sun on a rainy day 
despite the downfalls in my way 
despite the casulities 
I had to face 
decades trapped away 
the world blind of a innocent face 
there's always hope 
when your blessed to wake to another day 
I learned one thing
one should remain with faith 
no matter the negatives they face 
it will all be expressed one day 
"only god knows"

It's Easier to Judge (Guilt Trip)
By Dewan Evans

harder to be known 
there's two sides 
facts never told 
true I scream my innocence
not for my own selfishness 
but does it really matter 
cause I've been judge 
like my life didn't matter 
locked in a cold chamber 
where many contain anger 
where hope is like a stranger 
where trust seems like danger 
where faith is no remainders 
despite the love and forgiveness 
that god displays us 
imagine life lived in cages 
truth is some need containment
especially the ones with devil arrangements
what about the innocent ones 
that didn't get fair ones 
holding on to that same wish 
missing decades of family time 
depression becomes the same script
it feels like even proven innocent 
I will always have a built trip 
(guilt trip)

I Don't Want To Drown No More
By Dewan Evans

I fought hard to get to shore 
I want to live more 
make my legacy better than before 
i don't want to drown no more 
I remember days I couldn't smile no more 
life had me drowning in depression
tribulations bad decisions
I still wanted to live more 
it don't feel good to not have faith no more 
imagine drowning alive 
that's most of our lives 
witness agony in their eyes
no matter how hard they try to disguise 
I don't want to drown no more 
I asked god forgiveness 
from my heart for sure 
now I'm full strength 
swimming to shore 
cause I don't want to drown no more !

This Is a New Begining
By Dewan Evans

this is a new begining
like I am baptised clean from sinning
true skys our limit
in life we got to control our pivot
my heart be true religion
despite the struggles that we live in
as well this false imprisonment
no I can't be mute to this!
put yourself in my shoes
missing FAM 
dressed in penteinatry blues
I recognize it was more than the devil
wanting me to lose 
I doubt
many can walk a mile 
in my shoes
corrupt world give the heart the blues
just like a child 
wishing his mom comes through
picture innocent 
but judged and ridiculed! 
no voice for help 
no strength to make it to shore 
but you still keep the faith 
praying to the lord
""oh lord"

Sweet Dreams
By Dewan Evans
if I could make your dreams come true
I would grant your wish
when I think of you
it's like a angel heaven sent
my heartbeat had a dream 
it plotted and skemed
how to stop this dream
but I'm only a human being
my heart feels better
knowing we 're affiliated
in hopes to grow together
my heart has a personal vendetta
I pray
we withstand the weather
my wish 
I would cherish you forever
through the good ,the bad ,we stand together
never would you dout ,my hearts vendetta
had to remind my heart ,its okay to dream
I'm still in a daze having sweet dreams
"sweet dreams"

No Fear
By Dewan Evans

my back was against it from the start 
no I didn't surrender, no handouts
I stood tall ,despite defenders
I survived no pretender 
why judge me ?when you don't know my dillema !
no surrender no retreat!
twenty years with tatto tears
never am I use to this 
I brainwash myself ,to stay content for years
in a ugly world 
where you can't show fear
where your innocents is stripped 
bond with your family
seems like its a million miles away 
everyday feels the same way 
a happy face doesn't mean its a happy day!
my pain deeper than the surface 
some live life like they worthless
I was boring from where the curse is 
persevered until they trapped me for years
I prayed my innocents in tears 
never thought
I wouldn't see my family for years 
I still fight to stay relevant 
despite the years, deaf is always a fear
so my legacy I strive to get better for years 
if I die today no fear !
cause I know the heavens near 

By Dewan Evans

what if i gave up
no hope to keep to living 
no hope to get right with my children
what if
I was never born 
aborted days in
i wonder how my family 
how this world would end
what if they never lied
had a lawyer 
to prove my innocents no disguise!
what if this world wasn't full of lies 
betrayal,careless lives
god showed his face ,no disguise
how many would get some act right
what if this world had no sunlight
how many would have a rascis mind
what if your life was traded for mine 
would you be a warrior confined
screaming your innocents 
even tho no one cares
but everyday you hope someone hears
what if you were on your last breath
would you be content with death 
or fight till your last breath
"what if"

Golden Treasure
By Dewan.Evans
*Dedicated*to Birgit*

I'm so into you 
no matter what I do, I think of you!
your words inspire my heart 
your heart is what the world needs
you set yourself apart
my love for you will never leave 
I pray nothing breaks us apart
I wish we could fly like doves
into the sky far
I hope you believe we can go far
achieve and shine like a star
your presence 
takes me beyond these bars
your appreciated forever
if I could, I would show you
365 days of love and treasure
never abandon you!
just be your umbrella, through stormy weather
your special my love, my golden treasure

These Prison Bars 
By Dewan Evans

these prison bars make my days hard
to get by to keep faith to go far 
my innocents doesn't matter
I'm a voice sealed in a vault
no air ,missing family affairs
I told my seeds believe truth
instead of manipulators
and how this system can be manipulators
despite this nightmare
I dream for greater
god knows my innocents
so I'll receive blessings later
for now I have to whether the storm
a lot of days depression is the norm 
I remain a warrior 
behind these steel doors
despite losing days and loved ones 
more and more
got to find strength ,to fight through
desperado heart with faith
despite what I've been through
I wouldn't wish this life for you
I've been fortunate and blessed
to survive and make it through
even on days I had no strength 
to get through ,no hope, no body to vent to!
just a cold cell with a prayer in the air
"this life I got to live through"

I'm not going to lose
By Dewan Evans

I'm not going to lose
I'm just trying to stay alive
it feels good outside
especially when the sun shines
no more dark days
asked god forgiveness, for my worst days
trying harder now uh days
still not perfect today
but my faith is not stray
despite innocent in this cage, I still pray
a warrior a father
wishing to give truth to my kids one day
wishing to be free with my kids one day
I pray this anger turn stray 
for those who black mailed me today
haters hate I keep a smile on my face
passionate of my goals today
just cause I'm Locked away
I wouldn't shine today
thanks to God for paving the way
forgiving me to this day 
like a rose I'm slowly, blooming each day
in hopes of heaven gates
on both knees I pray
I'm not going to lose!

*inside voice*
By Dewan Evans

two decades trapped in 
judged again and again
woke up to negative voices once again
close to giving up hope once again
cause the good just went bad once again
I'm never asked just judged again
despite facts being twisted
judge gave a dam about my existence
or my bond with my kids missing
while those who lied saying I was the bad guy 
why they free outside? living a lie 
while I'm surviving this Ill prison
lost my mom then my gram 
way before they lost their existence
20 years in prison
no hugs just prayers and wishes
this inside voice is vicious
it makes me suspicious, trying to cloud my vision
strip my faith
have me Moraless in prison
so I fight the feeling 
continue to keep hope alive
of me free from prison
it's to late to proclaim my innocents
damage was done once I was convicted
two decades in
made me cherish 'my freedom days
now it's just this inside voice
I fight everyday!
(inside voice) 

This Black Hole 
By Dewan Evans

this black hole 
got me feeling non existent
losing never strengthen
faith in remission
no longer wishing
20 years strip of my innocence
while those who lied 
free in the world living
in this belly of the beast
a place they call prison 
a place they dictate your living
where they really don't give a dam about you existing
it's crazy how decades fly 
not able to see your family eye to eye
if one dies get sick you can't reside by their side
haters would say you don't deserve 
not caring if the facts
were never observed
black hole strip me of my vision
now I walk blindfold
hoping brighter days will unfold
despite the days I've lost 
family I will never hold 
fighting for strength in this black hole 
praying I want lose my mind the breath I hold
praying to be free of this black hole 

You Stay On My Mind 
By Dewan Evans

you stay on my mind 
like my favorite song
tho it's been years 
since we shared time together
my heart still holds treasure
memories that we would make it last forever
rainy days we laughed together
embraced like it was our last time together
I knew deep down you deserve better
cause I was a young man scorn
struggling with trust since a newborn
I apologize for
all the days not treating you like you was heaven sent
my heart ,my concsicous been haunted ever since
I know I caused pain
but my love was real 
I wish it could make sense
I wish I could rewind our days
turn your sadness to a smiling face
instead of me behind these bars today
our family ,our future ,
we would strive to make better everyday
I truly miss you today
and hope you found happiness today
I wish my younger days
did'nt dictate my ways 
that's no excuse today 
how I treated you back in the day
forgive me today 
this is a true apology 
that I hope you accept 
if we happen to meet at heavens gate
I pray we get a chance to conversate
so you can see how remorseful I am
with these words I speak today
forgive me! 

Takes a Warrior
By Dewan Evans

Takes a warrior 
To right your wrongs
Survive against all odds
Survive your downfalls
“Takes a warrior”
to admit your wrong doings
fight to get through it
“Takes a warrior”
to survive this life I`m livin
Innocent, trapped in, an evil prison
I preach my innocence
Seems like nobody is listening
I seek God for attention
Hoping He will listen
Give me answers, Why am I stuck in prison?
“Takes a warrior” 
To survive these days
Imagine not embracing your family for over a decade
“Takes a warrior”
Mentally, physically
Every night I ask God, “Why do you do this to me?”
“Takes a warrior”
To have patience in a fast world
Running with no shoes and laces
I am a warrior.

Weathering the Storm
By Dewan Evans

It´s like I´ve seen this before
Not looking for sympathy
That´s the wrong word for me
I´ve dealt with the devil
Felt how he burned me¡
I´ve been down in the bottomless pit
Mentally seek
Praying I can rest forever
Thought death was better
Not from guilt, but life´s vendettas
Wondering, will it get better?
Will I ever get a grip?
Life for some is roses
I grew, I got exposed
True, I took a different road
I was dealt bad cards
Had no choice but to fold
Now, I´m just weathering the storm.

Falling Loved Ones
By Dewan Evans
(Dedicated to those on the Frontline and those that have made an impact to the world)

Falling loved ones
United from long range
Kennedy, Martin Luther King
But the world still had a dream
Ronald Reagan was blessed to survive a bullet
Malcom X was sabotaged
3 soldiers went to war
Now 3 families stressing
Hoping their loved ones
Don´t come back as U.S. evidence
1 was fortunate
The other 2 died, representing U.S. pride
Wish we could rewind time
Since we can´t
We send our prayers to the sky
As well as our thanks
For being a brave heart on the frontline
Dedicated to our falling loved ones, in the sky
-– Falling Loved Ones –

To the End
By Dewan Evans

I live with passion
Haters always asking
Wishing the worst for me
Want to see me tragic
My mid could be stagnate
But I´m focus, not your average
Trying to win, get advantage
I used to be a loose cannon
I was down in the dumps
Through this life stuck
Accepted many lumps
Now I sit, amongst killers, and bad seeds
I know the world judging me
I´m innocent, but guess only God can see
If you live this life
Blessed to see the sun
Blessed to see the moon
Recognize your blessings now!
Rather than soon.
 – Till the end – 

Where Were You?
By Dewan Evans

Dedicated to those who claimed to have love for me, 
called themselves friends only to abandon me, 
to those who don't know Dewan, this is a part of my life, 
despite the downfall I still remain strong!  
And with faith, "1"

When Momma left me as an infant
When that woman fondled me
When I was a young'un, not knowing
Where were you?
When I was a victim to abuse
Thought it was a part of love
So with permanent scars, I made excuses
Where were you?
When I was wild and clueless
Homeless in the streets
with my stomach growling
Sick and close to death
Where were you?
When I needed direction
Witness survival in the streets
Adopted a toughness
Refusing to be poor and weak
Where were you?
When I needed love and affection
Felt like I had no choices
So I was young and restless
Where were you?
When I was point blank, from death
Survived, had to thank God for breath
Where were you?
When they lied and the courts believed
Sentence me close to a century
Where were you?

Spoken Word Poetry by Dewan Evans

We live only one life as we know
We miss opportunities
We make bad decisions
We regret
We cherish life, even on them bad days
We have moments
We wish we could hold forever
Erase forever
I sit behind bars, in this new era
I've lost so many things
Loved ones, beautiful beings, my innocence
I pray for better days
Like the sun, when it's to cold and rain
I love my rainy days
But behind these bars, it's not the same
I wonder who sees the pain?
When I think its tucked away!
Still keep faith in my heart
For a better day
To be free from this cage
Like a innocent bird, I'll fly away
Never turning back to these days
Only to cherish, my remaining days
Leaving my negative thoughts castaway
-Thoughts of better days-

My Window
Spoken Word Poetry by Dewan Evans
From e-book – My Daily Bread

Gotta be better days
Embraced with loved ones, through them rainy days
Seems like everybody smilin on them sunny days
Can´t believe God blessed me through yesterday
What don´t kill us should make us stronger
Either we rise or fall
Some are blessed to have it all
Others struggle
Wonder why they in this world at all
It´s new money for scams
Not enough for helping hands
Children in despair
The world needs repair
This is not truth or dare
More like real life affairs
From my window, the world looks scarce

Should I Be Thankful?
Spoken Word Poetry by Dewan Evans 

That I had to rise
Not looking into my mother´s eyes
No father by my side
Should I be thankful?
Seeing my own flesh and blood, doing drugs
Not caring for their son
Should I be thankful?
For seeing my mom getting hit in her eye
She still tried to disguise
Telling me it´s all right
Should I be thankful?
For all my father´s lies, left his first son
To live another life, on the run
Should I be thankful?
To live in a cold world
Racism, heinous ways, scandalous authority
Me innocent of this cage, till this day!
A wise man told me to pray
I asked him
Would it heal all the pain? Rewind my days?
Expose my innocence freeing me from this cage?
Should I be thankful?
20 years exiled, from family and friends
Lost my mother, then my grandmother
One of my best friends.
She took me in
When she needed me
I was locked in
Screaming from my cell, once again”
Should I be thankful?
For the cards I was dealt to live
Some I played foolish
Others I had to play ´em and live
Should I be thankful?

My Admit-Mission
Spoken Word Poetry by Dewan Evans

My soul was in the slums
My thoughts were on the run
Cold thing! My heartbeat just begun
With this melody, I speak a true one
No sugar coatin, I did dirt in life
In many ways, I thought I was doing right
Just excuses, no fight!
Naïve of a true woman´s worth
Never trusted love
´Cause my heart was thrown in the mud
Thought living life was a curse
´Cause since birth life hurt
Far from perfect, so I ask God for forgiveness
For all it´s worth
Scared to catch feelings
It´s like my heart disperse
If this earth is a curse
Got to build my soul for heaven´s worth.
(My Admit-Mission)

Haters – (The Story)
Spoken Word Poetry/Song 
by Dewan Evans

Haters always judging me
Not knowing if I´m innocent
Suspecting me guilty
Lied to put me away
12 jurors took my faith
The scandalous D.A.
Made a theory, true it made logic
But wasn´t truth!
Haters took the stand, lieing under oath
On an innocent man
One, used to be my best friend
He felt karma wasn´t in his plans
Now he knows
How it feels to lose your life span
My babe´s mother, was a part of this scandalous plan
Unbelievable, how love turn on you that fast!
She lied to protect herself
Then slept with the enemy 
Stripping me to be a father to be
Expressing lies and animosity
To my seeds as they rise
Only if they knew when she lied
My public defender
Was the devil in disguise
Didn´t care if I was innocent, dead or alive!
I witnessed hate in his eyes.


Spoken Word Poetry. 
By Dewan Evans

This moment is ours to shine
Through thick and thin
Let’s stick to our guns
Like true hearts should
Don’t let this barrier
Carry us in opposite directions
You in my life, I consider a blessing
My heart been confessing
You keep a smile on me
You got my love progressing
Got me believing
When I doubted my direction
I appreciated your presence
This moment
I hope lasts forever
In reality, I hope we enjoy the weather
I got your back forever
Friends forever
‘til we meet at the crossroads
This moment we hold
Let’s never let go
- Moment -

Stronger 2
Spoken Word Poetry. 
By Dewan Evans

I was weak, barely could stand
No hope to crawl
Paralyzed mentally, my Faith was none
I was losing slow, so weak, I gave up hope
My physical presence, turned worse
Time wasn’t my essence
No doubt I was stressing
Physically infected
Starving, like no digesting
Many would question, my visual presence
Expecting an addict’s confession
Not knowing, my cancer was progressing
I just left a session
Medication was aggressive, couldn’t stop its aggression
I laid with strength, only to dream and pray
Nothing numbed the pain
Medication felt the same
Every day I woke, I prayed
I fought to Believe
I had strength to succeed, live cancer-free 
Despite on the edge, I didn’t jump
Chose to live instead
My prayers and hope became one
I’m so much stronger, from day one
Stronger I’ve become
- Stronger 2 -

P.S. Dedicated to those fighting cancer, as well as those trying to overcome an ill wellbeing. Fight. Never give up. Believe. Have faith in yourself, Angels, God, and prayer!

Spoken Word Poetry. 
By Dewan Evans

I’m a survivalist, survived the Earth’s abyss
Stronger than two fists, blessed with a gift 
Thank God, even though I’m not rich
It’s a task to stay fit
Mentally, physically
Life took a toll on me
So, no, it’s not for free
I’ve been close to the edge
Crying like a baby, with no comfort
Starvin’ to get fed
Times, I wondered: “Am I better off dead?”
Here I stand alive
Witness the struggle and pain in my eyes
Thought I was safe after baptize
Still had to fight to stay alive
Dodge temptation, stay strong, through tribulation
Been a believer, with no hesitation
But many days, many nights, asking
“God, why life so strife?”
Even if you right, you get done outta spite!
I learned to fight
A survivor!

Who Am I
Spoken Word Poetry. 
By Dewan Evans

I’m a competitor, no one can do better
It’s my time to shine
Adapt to any weather
I know haters, wishin’ for my downfall
That keeps me motivated
Prayer is my parachute, God is my bulletproof
My heart bleeds 100-proof
Soldier mentality, father instincts
Lookin’ out for my family
Fake friends need a Grammy
Life is not a race, you can pass me
Stresses of the world
Cause paranoia and insanity
Money and bad decisions
May make you a casualty
Stay focused, stay humble
Even if you tumble
Get up, dust it off
Stay cautious, like you blindfolded
Let this be deeply noted
Who I am as a person, is not my position
You haters keep wishin’
- Who I Am -

Why Judge Me?
Spoken Word Poetry. 
By Dewan Evans

Nobody on Earth is perfect
You have no right to judge me
Only God does above me
You don’t know enough of me
To label me super ugly
Holdin’ a grudge, just because
Calling me guilty, with no proof to light
Check your soul, read a little of “the word”
See who gave forgiveness to all souls
Why judge me? Innocent or guilty, just say
I copped a plea
Still you have no right judging me
Leave that to G.O.D
I’m not living for free
Cherish friends and love ones around me
Far from perfect
But not guilty on a lot of things
For what it’s worth
Judgin’ me as a cursed kid
How you better? We both bleed under skin
Innocent, not guilty, since you judging me
- Why Judge Me? -

P.S. Don’t judge one just ‘cause you can, or because of their position in life and situation. You can be wrong assuming. Don’t judge a book, or a human being, by their cover, or without true facts about who that human being is. We all have a story!

My Sunshine
By Dewan Evans
Spoken Word Poetry
T.S.D.E. Ink 5

You came into my life
Brought me sunshine
When I rise
I think of you “my sunshine”
My body craves for it
My heart loves it
“My Sunshine”
I love to look in your eyes
You hypnotize
“My Sunshine”
Makes my days better
When I was under the weather
“My Sunshine”
Got me feeling better
I want my sunshine forever
“My Sunshine”

By Dewan Evans
Spoken Word Poetry

You had my trust
You had my heart caught up
You had a diamond, in the ruff
You had my true love and care
You were my one and only
You made my heart face its fears
Then you made it fear all over again
Thought it was me and you the end
Now my new journey begins
My heart still suffocated
Will it ever breathe again?
You made my temperature rise
Only to leave me cold in the end.

(From New Legacy 5)

I´m only Human (The Struggle)
By Dewan Evans
Spoken Word Poetry

I sit behind these steel gates
With a permanent mad face
Surrounded with lost ones with no hope
20 years no escape
20 years of built up anger
Caged with strangers
Plotting revenge on fake friends
Same ones that lied to win!
Placing an innocent man
In the belly of the beast, me!
Decades in, I barely sleep
Never peace, nightmare on Elm street
I keep  a fake smile, laugh just because
If I was see through, recognize God´s love
I still fight the nudge
To do things just because, remind myself of God´s love
Pray my innocence and freedom
Will one day become
If my prayer is never granted
“True” it will be hard to understand it!
I can only take it as God planned it!
Hoping He knows, just ´cause I question
Never was I blind of His blessings,
I´m only human
That´s been fighting to survive, since adolescence
“I´m only human”.

(From New Legacy 5)

Just Yesterday
By Dewan Evans
Spoken Word Poetry

I thought I felt an angel heaven sent
Thought I could rewind time
Turn all this pain to joy and sunshine
“Just yesterday”
I prayed for a rainy day
“Just yesterday”
A sprinkle landed on my face
Like a tear
Like it felt my agony, my pain
My struggles to this day
¨Just yesterday”
I thought I couldn´t stand
I was blessed with strength of many man
Tho it´s been many bad days
My faith still stands today
Reminiscing on the good times.
“Just Yesterday”
(From New Legacy 5)

By Dewan Evans
Spoken Word Poetry

Hold on to what I have
That´s my family, my sanity and faith
Moms resting in peace today
Pops living deceased today
With no thoughts of me today
I´m fighting these days
I miss my kids these days
Wish they knew truth today
How I was lied on, betrayed
By those still scandalous today
Twisted facts to put me away
I hope the sun shine today
So I can feel a sun ray
I wish for wings today
So I can fly away, escaping the pain today
Knowing it’s a better place
Than the cold world we live in today
It takes a nation for change
Every day we rise
We can fight for better days
When you smile today
Remember, it´s a blessing to wake
No hypocrite, still not perfect today
If I go today, I pray I walk through Heaven gates

(From New Legacy 5)

One Day
By Dewan Evans
 Spoken Word Poetry

Don´t leave me on the bridge
My balance may give
Who say? We can´t love, happily ever after
They don´t dream, don´t understand
What our hearts are after
They judge “Dewan”
But I owe them no answer
“Dewan¨ is no cancer, no monster, never perfect
But a heart full of courage
With good in it!
Changed man, for a better life span
Every day, I ask God was this the plan
Cause behind these bars
Stands an innocent man
Many feel like me
Outside these bars many abandon
Not hearing the innocent´s sound
Many feel like
I shouldn´t have a helping hand
I´m blessed by angel hands
Those that don´t judge, just cause they can
Those I appreciate
Even the ones that judge full of hate
That gives me fuel to demonstrate
With blessings, I´m stronger every day
Blessed to fight another day
Will I get free, maybe one day

“One Day”

(From New Legacy 5)

By Dewan Evans
 Spoken Word Poetry

I got scars from abuse, betrayal and wars
Many times asking God
Is this what you had in store
I was a youngin scorned
Taught faith, but lost it in the storm
Dreamed big, but my reality was th norm
True I had chances to persevere
Chances to shine
like stars in the atmosphere
I chose a road that wasn´t clear
A few times you could say it was karma
Other times the devil causing problems
I tried hard to solve ´em
In a world that´s Gotham
Filled with love and pain
Rich and poor, the sick, the sane
Racism which triggers anger to my brain
It´s useless cause we all bleed the same
Die and rest in a grave
Heaven or hell
Wherever our choices dwell us
Live and learn
That´s what life tells us
Watch those trying to set you up for failure
Sound so familiar.

Be That! Dedicated to my son Simieon Dewan Evans
By Dewan Evans
 Spoken Word Poetry

Be that man I couldn´t be
Keep ya guards up
Life can be a bully
Make right choices, so you can go far
Recognize reward from working hard
Don´t let it dictate negative ways
Believe in self and God
“Responsibility” makes you a better man
don´t look near; look far!
Your future is what you make it
Cherish every breath you take
Treat your body like a temple
Recognize what you been through
Be aware of those see through
Baiting you in just to hurt you
Patience is a virtue
Material things can hurt you
Don´t let it turn you
To what many in this world turn to
Be that golden son, that big brother
Cherish time and hugs with your mother
By now, you should´ve discovered
Who you are, where you´re headed
Be that man I dreaded
Don´t make foolish decisions
Be that man that makes a difference

Be That! Is dedicated to Simieon Dewan Evans, my son.
I was only blessed to be a part of your life physically for a short time.
It wasn´t my choice not to be there! Your dad would never abandon you or hurt you in any fashion
I wanted to be a true father, but, that opportunity was stripped from me for something I´m innocent of.
I pray our communication one day will be frequent and you give me your time and open ear, not to lie to you, but for truth.
It´s so much more you need to know, despite me not being there these years.
You and your sister Tyelenne and your mom are with me every day in my prayers.
Be that!  Son, accomplish everything you put your mind to, stay focused.
I send my love and best wishes.
I miss you.

(Your father, Dewan Evans)

New Legacy
By Dewan Evans
 Spoken Word Poetry

A soul saved no discrepancies
I wouldn`t be human, if I was perfect
I made it this far
Had to go through happiness and pain
Many times
Went against the grain
Close to blowing my own brains
Curt cobain
Life took its toll on  young man
That was trying to break the cycle
A younging balling
Wishing to fly like Michael
To the sky, to the heavens
Disappear from earth
Life had a younging stressing
Since I remained
I turned young and restless
Lead to misdirection
Deadly game, like sex with no protection
Grandma told me learn ya lesson
If not they got bars
That will trap you forever
My heart had a personal vendetta
A young one, not knowing no better
A wise one told me, get your soul together
So you can make it
Where happiness is forever
My new legacy begins
Asking God from the heart
Forgive me for all sins
 Ones I thought
The ones I did
Tho I´m trapped in
I pray my innocence and freedom
Will be the end
“New Legacy”

By Dewan Evans
(Dedicated to DM)

You are a beautiful creation
Beautiful wife, beautiful mother
A survivor with a beautiful heart
You inspire strength and hope
To mothers and friends
You hold beauty within
That can be seen from far
You've healed from scars
You're a mother on guard
Teaching your kids to go far
You're beautiful to the world by far
Thank you for being the beautiful person you are

If I Could
By Dewan Evans
Spoken Word Poetry from E-Book: My Daily Bread
(Go to

I would change a lot of things
Take my life out the fast lane
Be stronger with decisions
Analyze my position
Live life like it’s worth living
Keep a settle appetite
Never be shame
Learn from my mistakes the first time around
Make my mother proud, non stressin
Accomplish my goals with aggression
Raise my seeds, my prize possessions
Be a father to the finish
Cherish time and family from the beginning
Work hard so we can live happily
Thank God everyday
For keeping me away from tragedy
If I could
I would try to live life perfect
But no human on earth is
If I could!

Picture This
By Dewan Evans
Spoken Word Poetry from E-Book: My Daily Bread
(Go to

Innocent of the crime
Convicted, unjustified
Represented by a lawyer not classified
Day by day it gets harder to cope
Laugh and joke is a part of the masquerade
Inside I’m trying hard to stay sane
My heart feels the pain
Everyday ends the same
No matter how I change
I pray to get out one day
Truly believe God will make a way
Till then, I’ll pray, build strength each day
Not seeing my family and kids
For 14 years, bring me mo than tears
I’ve been close to taking my life
If it wasn’t for fear, I wouldn’t be here

Picture this!

Try To Save Them
By Dewan Evans

I see her from far
I see her close range
I see her in my way
Profiling all day
She got a counterfeit heart
A disguise to get you mesmerized
A physique to make temptations rise
A magnet to a man’s eyes
Food for a foolish man’s appetite
Soon as he apple bite
Killing his soul, risking his life
Only thing she care about is the price
Then she on to the next hype
She probably never felt love in her life
Or need money for eviction
Or money for addiction
Could be doing it to pay tuition
Or just to get attention
Maybe she learned it from her momma
It’s a crazy world we live in
We need to pray for these women
Extend a hand to these women
Cause it could be our sister
Our family, our children
Our mothers needing healing
Try To Save them!

Heartless World
By Dewan Evans

That kid tummy starving
Than man is yawning, no roof over his head
That human is dying
Can’t afford healthcare
That girl 14, had a baby on the stairs
Left the baby right there
Not cause she was heartless
Cause she was scared
That man got 25 to life
Cause his lawyer didn’t’ care
That woman had 12 drinks
Don’t remember her sexual affairs
Another woman died
Thinking domestic violence was love
Plenty soldiers relying
But all they get is a moment of silence
In this heartless world
Heartless World

2 Hearts
By Dewan Evans
Spoken Word Poetry from E-Book: My Daily Bread
(Go to

You get me going, heart pumping
Mind racin’, anticipating feeling your touch
I’m not faking, I tried to shake it
Deepens the temptation
Can’t be infatuation or my imagination
You’re a beautiful creation
One in a million presentation
You in my life, you will always be appreciated
Strive hard, to always keep us affiliated
Let’s make it through the rainy days
Embrace under sun rays, better days
Skies the limit, life got many pivots
Me and you together, we grip it!
Two of the same hearts on a mission
-2 Hearts – 

I Wish
By Dewan Evans
Spoken Word Poetry from E-Book: My Daily Bread
(Go to

I wish it wasn’t no bad days
I wish war wasn’t present
I wish death wasn’t destiny
I wish some facts wasn’t irrelevant
My wish is only a prayer
That’s only evident
I will keep wishing, till I’m heaven sent
Some tragedies don’t make sense
I wish God would vent
So I could really understand why it’s meant
Time is essence
I wish I could rewind, to better my present
I wonder if my wishes came true
Would life be better spent
Will my homeless feelings be sheltered
Will my soul be heaven sent?
I wish!

By Dewan Evans

You gave me strength to rise
A reason to believe
Keep hope and a dream
You’re someone I admire
I know
Situations make it harder
I hope we grow stronger
My heart
Can’t fight it no longer
It ponders and dreams
Only to wake to reality
Days you seem close to me
Like we have a chance to be
Is my mind playing tricks on me?
I would give you my air to breathe
No questions, my heart confesses
The old me
Would of hid these possessions
Feelings resurrected
Making you a desire that never left me

- My Desire - 

Words of Truth
By Dewan Evans

(verse one)
You haven’t walked in my shoes
You really don’t have a clue
Some say I question God
Did wrong!
And it’s only right
I sit behind bars
Despite I’ve been blessed for 20 years
Walking prison yards
Covered with tattoo tears
God and death my only fear
Dreamed to go far
Now my only dream is freedom from these bars
Reuniting with family
Means more, than any salary
Haters won’t understand me
They want me to stay causality
They deaf of my innocence
Blind of my love
No acting, no Grammy
Missing my granny
Solid part of the family
You’ve felt pain you understand me

(verse two)
The sun hasn’t always shined
In a life like mine
It was special days
Like witnessing my daughter’s first cries
Never forgot the bad days
Like my son in a hospital bed
Wishing I could trade my life for his
Take his pain
Know if it was purposely did
By those who fibbed!
I’m far from perfect
So I ask for forgiveness
Not for wealth or negative gain
Mainly cause my heart sane
Love in its veins
My conscious speaks every day
About the dirt I did!
How I got to get right
If my soul wants to live
I hope God forgives
Comprise, understand things I did!
From a youngin’ to a grown man
-Words of truth-

By Dewan Evans

I would pause that moment
Be smarter with decisions
Like my first time in prison
My relations with women
Names I won't mention
My mistakes
Replace 'em with right
Never choose wrong
Feel the innocence in this song
My seeds you need to know
Your father has a loving heart
I sit behind these steel gates
Wishing to be with you, every day
Heal the pain, mute the gossip
Like I never cared for you
Lies! These haters say
Labeled me guilty
Speculation and lies, put me away!
Made my faith turn stray
I wish I could rewind
Everyday would be a good day
No pain, no misery, no losing
Only victory
(If I could rewind)

 By Dewan Evans

I see clearly now
Though the devil, stay testing me
Mentally, stressing me
Challenging my decisions
Though my heart pumps true religion
Never been perfect
Name one person on Earth who is
These lines gorgeous
Rich in knowledge, as the Forbes is
Real as grass on the Earth is
Don't get me twisted
Cause the position I sit in
My vision from this cold cell
Is for a better place to dwell
Change on Earth
So we can all exhale
My heart was once frail
My vision was lost, with no Braille
Took time to get focused
20 years in
Still screaming innocent out my cell
If my innocence never prevails
I pray my new legacy will

Lost Heart 
By Dewan Evans

How can I breathe
When my air was taken
My heart was mistaken
Now it’s paying, pain, suffering
Never will I trust again
Tho it’s attached to me, like my best friend
It’s crazy how your heart spins
We only have one heart to give
I gave mine and got DID!
I guess it’s a lesson at the end
That’s why we live
I’m still fighting to love again
If it’s in the cards
I may find true love and happiness
Right now my heart is PLADDED
Filled with no trust and saddened
A lost heart that’s drastic measure
Lost heart that’s trying to find the sun
In this dark era

Lost Heart.

By Dewan Evans

Fortunate to be breathing
Fortunate to be strong, fighting these demons
I'm living for a reason
Fortunate to have two beautiful kids succeeding
Strength to keep breathing
Even though my prayers seem like they not being greeted
Fortunate for a reason
Despite struggling every season
Fortunate to have loved ones
It's appreciated from my soul & heart
Fortunate to shine when it's dark
Fortunate to be forgiven
Not to be imprisoned in my own mind
Fortunate to see my blindside
Blessed from the other side
Fortunate is a blessing, is what I recognize!

Dear Momma
By Dewan Evans

I know you not here
Since that year, your son been stressed, for real
I know we was distance at times
You had your own demons to fight
True I felt abandoned
To this day, still don't understand it
How can Momma leave her son?
Flesh and blood on the run
As I grew older, still confused
Holdin' anger, seeing you with strangers
Your appearance lookin' stranger
You kinda turned into a stranger
But my heart still held love, like remainders
Prayed for the day we would reunite
That day never happen
The day you died, got the news
It was tragic, now that you gone
I send questions and love up above
I hope you answer your son
Dear Momma!

By Dewan Evans

People going to war
Coming back home disfigured
Still wearing U.S. memorabilia
Some starvin', homeless in the street
You put ya life on the line, claimin' U.S. pride
When it's all said and done, you not respected
I guess being a hero
You get treated like a zero
Government wishin', they could keep this on the low
How low can you go, sabotaging your own?
Life is precious even if it's not your own.
I continue to dream on
Knowing God is sitting on the throne
Sees what's going on
I pray for better days
Hope the weak get stronger
The innocent dodge strays
Life has a fast lane
So pray to stay blessed till your last day.

Letter 2 God
By Dewan Evans

You have kept me alive 38 years
A lot of those years
Life wasn't easy. Even on them bad days
I kept a smile, a young child
Learning to swim in the pool of life
No Father figure, Mamma's only child
She was barely around
Grandma found me in the Lost and Found
Had to man up, even though I was a young buck
These questions have been built up
Since you haven't answered through prayer
I send this letter
Hopin' it gets through heaven's gates
I'm still learning from my mistakes
Hope to be a better man on Judgement Day
Dwelling behind heaven's gates
So we can really conversate
I hold anger today
For being convicted
In these false courts today
Wondering why
You dealt me these cards to play.

My Angel

There for me 24/7
Sent from heaven
Got me protected
with her blessings
Days I was stressing
lead me to pray
situations was hectic
life and death wish
She came to my rescue
Something I appreciate
Rainy Days
my angel my umbrella
Hesitate? Never!
My angel
had my back
whether I was right or wrong
that I had to right my wrongs
So I pray
asking for forgiveness through songs

My angel

Spoken Word Poetry from E-Book: My Daily Bread
(Go to

Imagine the sun never rising
Imagine nights with no moon, no stars
Imagine the sky with no planes
Climate stayed the same
No grass on the grain
Livin in a world, no regulations
If you not blind
Witness world devastation
A world with no luxuries
No homes, no phones
Hunting for food, for your own
Surviving with no fashion
Almost in the nude
Imagine this life for me and you
Just my imagination
Real world got us stagnated
If this world was my imagination
How many would make it?

Heaven Sent
Spoken Word Poetry from E-Book: My Daily Bread
(Go to

Your eyes remind me of precious jewels
You move with innocence
Your beauty shines like diamonds
Smile beautiful as horizons
Intelligent personality a plus
Your physique irrelevant
You must be heaven sent
Independent, family oriented
No need to demand respect
Only a fool would disrespect
You stand for a real woman
I appreciate you building me up
When I didn't have the strength
Not finding the right one is a myth
Cause you’re the queen in my life
Heaven sent!


We all have them, no matter who we are.
They're a part of making us who we are
Stay focused, strive to go far
When days seem dark, shine with heart!
When temptation strikes
Keep a faithful heart
Be conscious from the start
Don't let them dictate you
Dream big, make them reality
Make haters believers
Make yourself a leader
Turn haters to cheerleaders
Watch the devil in disguise
Keep a positive appetite in your eyes
Like a true warrior, till your last wind
Keep the faith...You can win!!
Battle, battle with every breath
Who wouldn’t be scared of death
When you're human, you just want to live and exist
Battle with a clenched fist
Turn weakness to strength
Everyday you're blessed to exist

In My Shoes

Would you live without excuses
Have direction without guardians
No food in the garden
Live with your stomach stravin
Would you be a good guy or a goblin
Survive where death and struggle
Play your guardin
Would you stay strong
With your momma gone
Body found cold sad song
Would you not hold anger
Treat your father like a stranger
Cause you haven´t seen him, over a decade
Would you live life in a cage
Convicted unjust for another´s rage
In my shoes, roads been ruff
Just look at the scuffs
In my shoes
Would you be strong enough
In my shoes?

Spoken Word Poetry
From E-Book: Still Fighting
(Go to

Trevon Martin

Trevon Martin –
No matter the color of our skin
We all bleed red within
Judgin me like I don´t fit in
Just cause the color of my skin
Is not the right way to live
Many innocent people
Have been victims to this
There is no excuses
Racism is useless
Holdin anger is not positive
Somethin I had to register
It´s plenty with Trevon´s character
Hoodie and dark skin
Taking a shortcut
Just trying to make it in
Would you believe
A shortcut would be
Trevon´s last wind
Just cause he was
In a neighborhood, where he didn´t fit in
Due to the color of his skin
Life took by an angry man
With hatred plans
Who cared less about
A young man´s life span
Instead of doing what´s right
He took matters with his own hands
Ending a young life – of a young man
- Trevon Martin -  By Dewan Evans T.S.D.E.Ink.5

Note to the reader: This poem is not to be judgmental, just my opinion and feelings at this time!
- Lives Matter –

Rainy Days –

No guarantee the sun is going to shine
Stay ready, so you never got to get ready
Clouds is setting
Thunder, hear its melody?
Raindrops like beats
Feather light, when drops hit your feet
Is the world in misery?
Or is it God showing love
Is what I´m thinking as I look above
I love these rainy days
From my window, in a daze
Streets look like a maze
Hundreds of footprints
Splashin through the rain
Got to get through the dark
to get sunny days
but I love my rainy days
Rainy days!

My Life, My Life –

My life, my life
Has been a journey
Times I was weak
Didn´t know me
Innocent son
Why Pops disown me
Momma gave me up
Like she didn´t know me
Grandma tried to make it all better
But growing as a kid
You turn clever
Confusin hatred
My heart had a fever
Questions to God
Didn´t get answered
So I kept a mean mug
Cold world I´m living in
Grandma tried discipline
Hard headed, I regret it
No excuses
I was wild and clueless
Missed opportunities to do big!
My life, my life.

Dewan Evans T30778
CSP Corcoran
P.O. Box 5242
Corcoran, CA 93212

I am Dewan Evans, born and raised in Los Angeles California.  I´m 40 years young.  Still looking and feeling young. I´m fortunate and blessed to still be living and healthy.   I´m the only child of a single mum, though my mum didn't raise me.  My grandmother did.  My mother since died in 2011. I've been behind these cold bars for 19 years for a crime and accusations that I´m innocent of. I was railroaded by the system, betrayed by close ones I considered friends, with fabricated stories.  Despite these 19 years on lock, I´ve strived to better myself mentally, spiritually as well as physically, and with my writings I´m hoping to achieve but to be a positive aspect to the world. I´m still fighting in many ways not just for my freedom, but to remain relevant in my family´s life, to better my mind, heart and faith.   Enjoy my poetry, songs, stories and art. My books are available on Amazon: No Bully, My Daily Bread and Still Fighting.